Sometimes I really wonder , if my tears are worth something.. especially days like today. When. You try really hard and you try and you try. But your family just looks down on you , no matter what ... What can one do in that situation?

I really don't know..

It breaks my heart every time I call home , even though I am trying so hard , they are unable to see it. They are only able to see my bad qualities. And only my defects.

Sometimes I wondered if my family actually believed in me , I would have been a totally different person. Like really , I have always been so insecure because nobody did believe 💯 in me. Everyone always be like , yeah they can do this , why not you !? She is slim , why not you?

I am so sick and tired of hearing about others . I thought once I went to college maybe that would stop. I really wished . I have been really trying my level best to memorize and study . I have been trying to interact with patients. I have been trying to attend surgeries . I have been trying to be smart. Being an introvert it's not easy to be. But I have been trying .

But all they see is what I haven't done.

No one will ever tell me , I know you are working hard.
No one !!
No one will tell me , it's okay we understand you are going through alot.
No one will tell me , just relax today .....

It's like , everything is so not okay. And everybody expects me to behave as if everything is okay. And nothing is wrong . But that's not the truth. How can one be like that ?

I really don't know , cause I can't.

(I was almost gonna say , I can't do this , but I stopped myself from writing that. )

No , even though nobody believes in me , I believe that God believes in me , no matter what.

Although , everyone is playing with my heart and feelings.

I believe that God loves me so much. He will let me shine one day . He will show everyone what he is capable of doing.

I know who I am and what I am capable of. But my Lord in heaven is capable of anything. All I can do is try my best.

---

Freewrite

Today I am really in a state , a state of sadness. A state whereby , I knew I should write about it. Because , Everytime I was crying , nobody would see it , but it would leave me so devastated that I end up not studying , and not doing anything. So I thought I will write this while I am still in that teary state. So that I can write what I really feel. And I can let it all out , so once I have finished written , it is no longer in my mind. Although I didn't say what exactly I was talking about , but still.

I know I shouldn't be a cry baby , but there are times when you loose it. Especially after trying every way possible to be a good daughter or sister or a family member. And everyone just be like , their side should win. I have been so broke these days , but I couldn't ask home , just cause I knew they had many Medical expenses and I didn't want to cause more problems. But that's why I end up like this , be ause I sacrifice alot , without others knowing. I know that's the reason.

But still I won't change , let my family be happy. Then I can be real . But for now. I'll just be like this.