'How are you going?' my brother in law texts. He was organising a mother's day dinner for the fam on the weekend. I know what he means - he means how I'm feeling about Dad.

'I'm okay', I reply, because I am. Good, even, sometimes - mostly. 'But feeling tender. If I think about it too much, I cry.' Even that text makes me burst into tears, and I'm glad there's no one around to see it. It's just what happens, when you love.

He texts me back: 'I heard that you only really, really value life when you're about to lose it. So I'm just focussing on that. My heart's breaking too.'

The thing is, I've known that for a good long while now - probably the first time Dad got ill, a few years ago. And when my young sister had her heart attack (another story - she's fine). Life just got super technicolour and my family became even more precious to me. I texted them more just because. Rang them more just because. Popped over just because. Because I love them, and every moment with them is precious, and one day they won't be around. Such joy and sadness, sadness and joy. All in the same moments. Ah, life. But it's okay, because that's how it goes. I can't say it's not okay, and stop myself saying it's unfair, because it just is what it is. There's no point raging against it. Better to lean into the flow of it.

So last week, I go for a paddle with Dad - quite literally just a paddle around Cosy Corner in Torquay, because the waves were super tiny. I was trying out his new longboard he bought - because, he's dying, and thought, why not. He's already joked that I stand to inherit it. The water was cool, but perfectly clear, and the sun was out. A magical Autumn day. Dad was on his knees on his SUP, as his legs aren't strong enough to hold him up. But we were out there, in a technicolour magical moment. Far out, life is precious.

So my music post this week is Joni Mitchell. Was never brought up on her or anything, nor have I really ever paid her much attention, bar this song. For some wierd reason Dad bought one of her CD's last week, and when we got out of the water and sat around for an hour or so in the sunshine, he was playing this. We were musing on that oh so famous line:

'you don't know what you got til it's gone'

mainly in the context of Torquay and how developed the place is now - they pretty much did 'pave paradise and put up a parking lot'. But we were saying we did know what we had - we always had this sense of appreciating where we lived, and the family we've got. I wanted to tell that to my brother in law - try to explain that THAT is why I've been popping over unannounced these last few years, or grabbing my nephew from school to take him surfing, or organising a family dinner. Because it's all so fucking precious, and to just think it's always going to be there is naive and short sighted. Love now, truly and madly and deeply - because when the things you love are gone, it's too late.

It's something my aunty has just realised. I went and saw her for the first time in years this afternoon. We've kinda been estranged, for reasons I won't go into. When Dad got sick, her and my uncle (my Dad's brother) visited Dad in hospital of course. My aunt's going through intense anxiety and depression at the moment because her life is changing too as friends die, grandchildren move away and the meaning she had in her life is challenged. She misses my Mum, she tells me - wonders why she went years without seeing her. Mum's compassionate, but also a bit - well, I was here, you just didn't make an effort. My Aunt's feeling that now - realising on the cusp of everything being 'gone' exactly the preciousness of what she had, and she's struggling massively. I feel for her - it's why I spent hours talking to her this afternoon.

This isn't a post about nostalgia, or regret things are changing, or fear of the future - it's just more about KNOWING that life is gonna change, and things won't stay the same. That's okay. It happens. Sadness goes hand in hand with joy - it's just life, and I'm okay with that. My Dad is okay with his dying. We're all sad as fuck but we're totally in joy too - we are blessed, lucky in these precious moments.

We DO know what we've got, until it's gone.

Do you?

This post is part of a series I write on Steemit focused around the music in my life and what I attach to it. People use the tag #saturdaysounds or #musicmonday - I can only post on this one on Sundays, so I'm using both tags plus #music. Please create your own so I can see what you're listening to! Let's fill Steemit with music. Oh, and cheer me up by dropping your own tune below - I love to listen!

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