Fitting In, Or Not
It happened today.
And to be honest, it’s been a long time coming.
My son hurt someone. But it’s not like it sounds. It was an accident, one that was his fault, and one that developed out of his poor decision.
He’s five. And he’s a powerhouse. And if you get him wound up, well ... he gets a little out of control.
Today, he was playing tag at Day Care. While he was running, for one reason or another, he reached out and grabbed the shirt of his friend (who was running in the other direction) and essentially clotheslined the boy, bringing him crashing down to the hardwood floor directly on his elbow.
When I arrived at the Day Care facility to pick my children up, the teachers were still running around, scrambling to deal with my son’s screaming friend and trying to ascertain just how serious the situation was. There was speculation that the arm might be broken, or that damage of some kind might have been done to the elbow.
Situations like this in Japan often require specific actions of atonement. Responsibility must be taken. There are words and phrases and actions particular to the culture here that are used, or that should be used, or that are expected to be used. After almost ten years of living here, I know something about them. I have picked up on them by watching the people around me and by paying attention. I have observed them in movies and TV shows, and I have seen them displayed on the News. But still, this is not my native culture, and Japanese is not my native language.
When situations like this arise, I realize just how much I don’t know or understand about the country in which I am living, nor about the language I must use to communicate with.
Situations like this terrify me. Fitting in, doing things the way society expects them to be done, is no longer a decision that is just about me. I am a father and a husband now. And I am an emigrant as well, which essentially means that I am a guest in the land that I now live. One little mistake could cause a number of unwanted consequences and results for my wife and children, consequences and results that I’m not even aware of and can’t even imagine until I’ve been told about them after the fact.
Today I did what I think was the right thing to do. I waited over thirty minutes for the injured child’s mother to pick him up and I formally apologized to her. I know that my language could have been better, that there were better things that I could have said, but I don’t know what the words and phrases that make up that language are. All I can do now is hope that I played the role I was supposed to play well enough for no trouble to arise out of the situation.
Today’s Exercise
I only had time for my morning walk today. The rest of my steps came from work, which were less than usual because I spent a lot of time at my desk correcting essays.
For me, this is one of the most stressful realisations about parenting. It’s accepting your actions will directly impact your children. It’s an ongoing frustration because I like to go my own way even if it means I’ll be isolating myself. I try my best, but I don’t fit in. I don’t even have a cultural barrier as an excuse. It’s something that brings a lot of guilt that I couldn’t do better for them.
Last year, in a school situation, I had to hold back, and when I finally decided I needed to speak up, I had to talk through another teacher, then the principal. I just knew I’d be too emotional and it would result in me sounding accusatory. I didn’t want the my daughter’s teacher to feel defensive. I was worried it might make things harder for my daughter. So in the end, it was me weeping in the principal’s office. Lol. It all worked out well and I was glad I went in to bat for my daughter.
In a parent situation it’s even more difficult. Young children don’t understand the dynamics. As far as my girls are concern, everyone should be friends. My 8 y.o daughter who is an extreme extrovert in a family of introverts, is even going as far as trying to facilitate friendships for me with other mothers... -sigh-
But your situation sounds much more complicated. I think it was very good of you to have waited and formally apologised. You did your best and that’s admirable. I hope it all worked out for your family.
That’s funny. I hope my kids don’t ever try to get me to befriend their friends’ parents. If friendships naturally develop, that’s great, but I don’t want to go on play dates that my kids set up for me;-).
We sound similar. I’m not very extroverted either, and I used to always just go my own way. Living in Japan for so long has changed that a bit, though.
Before having kids, I never even thought about this problem, of having to either watch my own behavior because of the effects it might have on my kids through the opinions of others, or that I might have to be responsible for my childrens’ actions, despite not being present at the time the incident occurred. These are things I’ve only learned about through experiences (mostly by making mistakes).
Everything seems to have worked out fine. My son’s friend is okay, and his parents don’t appear to be mad about it. I’m sure I was partially overreacting, but you never know.
Yes...the play dates...she’s tried that too. Literally stood there and demanded me and poor other parent set a date. It’s terribly embarrassing. She’s actually quite beautiful in her enthusiasm to see people come together. I marvel at how she’d wave, smile and know so many people at her school by name. Very unlike me at that age or her twin. I really love and admire her extroverted spirit, but it remains a challenge to find a strategy that works for both of us.
Anyway, it’s always interesting to hear of the cultural differences observed by a westerner living in a Japanese society. Dbooster is always pointing out quirky stuff. Hehe.
Yeah, he has a real eye for the everyday differences that are sometimes so obvious that they quickly disappear. I really enjoy his posts.
I think you handled the situation exactly as you should and best you could <333 I hope also that it's enough. Something I have realized about life, is that energy speaks louder than words. I trust things will work themselves out. There may be some ripples, but a new balance will arise. Maybe this happenening in some Divine way is just what everyone involved needed ;) Who knows? Lots of Love.
Thank you for staying #actifit & sharing the journey!
Well, my energy at the time wasn’t very good. Having heard the news and understanding that the situation was possibly a little over my head, my energy levels sank down pretty quickly. I recognized this, though, and tried to think of ways to be more assertive and positive, but in the end, all I could do was wait and be ready to show my concern. I think everything is fine now, and I hope that my son learned something from all of this. My wife and I have been cautioning him for a long time now about how strong he is and about how he needs to be aware of what/who is around him when he’s excited. Maybe this incident will be a small turning point for him.
Who is that man?
Your son is gonna grow up to be a bad ass.
How do you mean?
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Ouch! That is indeed painful... and I don't mean that other little boy...
Ohhh... I truly know what you mean. Malaysia is a land of three main totally different cultures... And one has to know what other cultures expect in different situations, or you'll be asking for trouble. But main thing is I think if the other party can see how sincere you are, they should be able to accept and react positively. Anyway, I hope your actions were well received?!
Well this is a tough position. I know from management in business that having to be responsible for the actions of others is not always pleasant. The cultural differences add to the stress. I think his young age is a good thing in your favor. Boys like to rough house and accidents happen. Good luck my friend.
Thanks. Yeah, it’s strange being the mirror of another person, so to speak (when a bother person’s actions become a reflection of you in the eyes of others). Fortunately, the other boy is fine, and his parents seem to be totally understanding of the situation. Boys definitely will be boys. In retrospect, I can’t imagine the stress my borrowers and I must have put our parents through growing up.