Blog and My Actifit Report Card: April 9 2019

My depression went fucking crazy today. I really have no idea why, I I think I maybe didn't get very good sleep last night. I woke up with anxiety running through my arms feeling extremely lonely I'm feeling like I'm running out of time, but if I'm running out of time all I can say is time is already up so either I'm running out of time or what time is up and it doesn't matter. I can say that but I don't feel it. It's like, I know logically the only thing you can do is put past mistakes behind you, regrets behind you, move forward today, everyday, and make your life something. But every time I try and take that mentality it just falls away from me.

I feel sad that I have no friends, and I have nobody, it hurts me when I drive Uber and see people together, I see people who are young, and in college and have a lot of time to do things, I see people who are happy and going out or on a vacation, that's one of the problems with living in a place where, or, having a job that is so much a part of tourists world because you see people at their happiest and at their most engaged. And they want you to be at your happiest, so you have to lie to them and pretend like your life is happy and fun and that you aren't alone.

And the juxtaposition between how you feel and what you have to display is so great and contrasting that it makes you feel a thousand times worse. And then you feel like an ass for not feeling good anyways, there are so many people dying of diseases and living impoverished lives in the world... a girl that I met back in Thailand, unless she is lying to me to try and get money, has cancer, has to give money to her mom to support her, and has no idea how she's going to do anything and here I am and my biggest problem is that I don't have friends and I don't have the ability to meet and hookup with girls. It feels silly and a little shameful to be concerned about those simple things at my age.

And yet my mind is out of control with depression and anxiety and I think too much about not having enough money to be " successful" by America's economic standards.

I I feel like that is lame and wrong when people are suffering but all I know in my day-to-day life is my own suffering. I just wish I wasn't so fucking alone all the time, and any time that I have tried to be around people they're just never the right people they know it when they look at me I know it when I look at them and I stay alone and the older I get the less able I'll be to be with the girls that I want to be and to exist in the way I want to exist. to be with the people in the world that I want to be with and live some sort of life that may be fulfilling and not alone. I hope I'm wrong.

Daily Activity, Walking