Eating the Neighbors - what you need to know

There is no easy way of saying this. Yes, we have decided to eat the neighbors. I wish I could reassure you that this is some sort of loopy joke. It is not. In fact, nothing about the situation is even remotely loopy.

After careful consideration, we have reached the conclusion that we are in a bit of a bad spot, to put it mildly, hence the neighbors need to go. It won't be easy. They are not particularly meaty and they are rather old. They both appear to be rather stringy, as well. To be honest, I do not know just how well we can cook them over a small balcony fire. Yes, the very word 'deep-fried' is out of the question (even though, it's technically two words, in which case they are both out of the question).

We are not looking for approval, nor do we desire your forgiveness. This is simply a public announcement, a confession if you will, to pun our own cannibalistic minds at ease. Some of you will approve, while some of you will not. Some of you will chastise us, while at the same time entertaining cannibalistic thoughts of your own. As I am sure some will be reading this while munching on old Mrs Johnson's leg (the good one, naturally. It may be a crisis, but we are not savages).

For the sake of humanity, let me assure you the neighbors will not suffer. I will personally wait for them by the elevator and hit them over the head with a bathroom tile. It will be swift and they will go down immediately, I trust. If not, I shall hit them again, until they've gone down and are clearly unconscious (though preferably not dead, as I am not exactly sure how good the meat would be then. Might be best to keep that blood flowing). After this, I shall proceed to drag them inside the apartment and lock the door (the smell would undoubtedly attract others).

Once inside, I shall break the bathroom tile (do not worry, for I have many tiles) or should I fail, sharpen it into a knife. After a brief inspection, I have reached the conclusion we do not have any decent knifes that might handle the job. But I believe the tile will do nicely. I shall slice through the neighbor and hopefully get rid of the stringiest bits while keeping enough meat.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking there are two neighbors. And that's very true. What an astute observation. But methinks it will be much easier to get them one at the time. Besides, the male might put up a bit of a fight like this, but if we get the female first, then the male will grow panicked. Reckless. Easier to hit with the tile.

After slicing the neighbor into enough bits, we will proceed to roast her over the balcony fire. As I mentioned, it is a small fire, but I hope we shall get ourselves a decent meal. It's very handy that this entire process will take considerable energy, which will make us hungrier, which in turn will mean we'll be able to fit in more neighbor. There not being any electricity, the chance of preserving the neighbors for too long is pretty small.

As will be the neighbor, once we are finished.

I must go now. I hear movement next door.