BEASTLY TALES

THE LUMPF CHRONICLES (10)

Herr Lumpf had decided to diet.
He announced this to Frau Lumpf, who went awfully quiet.
“Neffer in your life haff you vatched your eating!”
“Your drinking too, this’ll take some beating!”
“You cannot haff low calorie strudel, you know!”
“Beer has many, many calories, as it does flow!”
“Sauerkraut, no vurst, you can haff.”
“I hope you vont get grumpy und not laugh!”
“But zen you neffer laugh a lot,”
“Und zen only AT people, vot a clot!”

Herr Lumpf thought this all a bit unfair.
“I vont bother you, get into your hair.”
“I vill be around, as though never there!”
“Now, make me a kaffee, nice und hot.”
“Even without Strudel I vill like it a lot!”
Day two of his diet Herr Lumpf was seeking,
Something plain to eat, no aroma reeking.
“Even if it is low calorie or not,”
“I vill gobble it down straight from the pot.”
“If is has no smell, aroma it goes,”
“No vun vill notice a no smell on za nose!”

Frau Lumpf, who was not dieting at all,
Kept baking goodies, their smell did apall.
Apall because they did truly tempt Herr Lumpf.
Who was earnestly trying not to be such a lump!
“Vot are you doink, tempting me so?”
“Your cooking makes me, off my diet, go.”
“It’s nice, for a change, to hear you say my cooking smells nice.”
“Normally, you just gobble all in a trice.”
Herr Lumpf grunted and farted quite loud.
One could never safely take him into a crowd.