Every Quentin Tarantino Movie, Ranked By How Much of It I Slept Through

(originally published on June 5th, 2018 in Tunnel Magazine)

It’s pretty well established among my friends that I really don’t like Quentin Tarantino movies, a fact that can be traced to a basic difference of interests between me and Quentin: I’m interested in not watching Quentin Tarantino movies, he’s interested in women’s feet and using racial slurs with reckless abandon. I’ve fallen asleep in almost every movie he’s been involved in, so it only seems fair to use that as an objective metric by which to discuss his work. I hope this list, ranked from “fully awake” to “asleep for all of it,” provides some helpful insight into both Quentin’s diverse filmography and my sleeping habits.

8. Jackie Brown
I was awake for all of this one because I respect Pam Grier too much to do that to her. It also doesn’t hurt that it’s adapted from an Elmore Leonard book rather than an original screenplay, so it’s really only half a QT movie. Still, great work Quentin! Love that hustle.

7. Pulp Fiction
I actually do like Pulp Fiction a lot. I know what you’re thinking: a young straight white male film student enjoying Pulp Fiction? It’s true. That being said I have often slept through every scene that Bruce Willis is in except for the sex dungeon scene, a scene which ironically has made it hard for me to sleep sometimes. I love you Bruce but what are you doing in this movie, big guy?

6. Kill Bill: Vol. 1 & 2
This is my favorite movie from him even though it’s kind of too much of a good thing at four-plus hours, but all the best scenes are in the first part and it’s kind of easy to drift off for most of the second part without missing anything spectacular. I’m sorry! It’s true! Don’t shoot the messenger!

5. Death Proof
Local Man Tries to Remake Every Exploitation Film Of The 1970s At Once: End Result is Kind of Mediocre And Not As Progressive As He Thinks It Is But At Least Kurt Russell Is Pretty Good

4. Django Unchained
The movie is 165 minutes long, I was awake for about 120 of those minutes, and Tarantino wrote the N-word into dialogue 110 times. I wish I had been asleep during the scene when Quentin tries out an Australian accent for 20 minutes.

3. Reservoir Dogs
One minute for every time someone has told me it’s underrated.

2. The Hateful Eight
Two out of three hours, but for the hour that I was awake it was because of insomnia, not genuine interest in this truly awful, bloated, vilely misogynistic movie. It is so wild to me that this got made and that somebody signed off on having like 30 whole minutes of it devoted to beating up Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character as comic relief. Boo!

1. Inglourious Basterds
Pretty much the whole thing. In the four times I’ve tried watching this, I’ve never been able to get past the first fifteen minutes. A few times I’ve woken up in the middle of it and tried to keep watching from there, but within five minutes I’m out again. I didn’t think it was possible for a movie so dense with action scenes to be so boring and annoying, but Quentin “God Do I Love Feet and Myself” Tarantino finds a way. The real inglourious basterd was me for thinking on four different occasions that I might be able to get through this movie in a waking state.