You've Been Dumped ... Now What?

I was inspired to write this by my friend's latest story in her Diariesblog. She shared last week that her husband left her with little notice, and without much explanation to help her understand what really led to the dissolution of their marriage.

In her case, there are no children, which makes the recovery process different than one in which your ex will be attached to you for the rest of your life via your children. In a breakup situation with children involved, the following advice applies as well, with the added caveat that while you need to detach emotionally from the person who was the source of your pain, you must retain grace and dignity for the sake of your kids.

When someone is "left" by his or her partner with little or no sign of closure, the experience can be horribly confusing and painful. There are so many questions left unanswered that it can leave you enraged and unable to move forward in your life. I believe each experience -- good or bad, positive or negative -- is an opportunity for growth and self-understanding. We can stay in our anger and sadness only for so long without it eating away at our heart and soul. Picking ourselves up and dusting off, even with tears of pain in our eyes, is what we must strive to do.

I have used the word GROW as a tool to understand how we can navigate this very challenging experience.

G = Grieve: You must grieve the end of the relationship. This means going through all the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, and depression -- and finally, acceptance. Grief is like a wave that can strike at any moment. You can be going through your day and feeling fine when all of a sudden you hear a song or see a store or place that reminds you of your ex, and the grief washes over you from head to toe. During this stage, make sure you surround yourself with friends and family who support and love you. Do not turn to drugs and alcohol to numb your feelings. If the depression stage is prolonged for more than three months, seek professional help to understand your feelings and help you on the road toward healing.

R = Respect Yourself: Remember to always respect yourself and try to walk in grace and dignity as much as possible with your ex. There may be times you want to e-mail, phone, text and "let him have it" -- but you must remember you will have to live with the words you say. There may be a time and a place to communicate your deep pain, but try to remain dignified throughout this process. I promise you that you will feel better being able to hold your head high without having lost your temper. We can always communicate how we feel in a respectful and dignified manner. I know this is not easy, but it is worth the effort. I always suggest that before you write or e-mail your ex, run it by a trusted friend and ask yourself, "What is it that I want from my ex when he reads this?" You may never get what you're looking for, and part of this process is accepting that fact, however frustrating it may be.

O = Opportunity for Self-Change: Even though your ex is the one who left you, when the time is right and some healing has occurred, you need to ask yourself some hard questions about who you were in that marriage and what you would do differently if you could. No marriage ends because one partner was "perfect" and the other "imperfect." Relationships are a two-way street. He may have chosen to end it badly, but use this opportunity to see what you want to change about yourself as well. Self-awareness will allow you to be honest about your part in the demise of the relationship. This will help you not repeat any negative patterns that you may have developed due to that particular relationship.

W = Want More: After the ending of the marriage, you should remain hopeful and want more for any future relationship. Take a long hard look at the partner you had: in what ways was he not meeting your needs? You now have the chance to find the person who will hopefully be your life partner for the rest of your days. Wanting a better future, a better partner, and a better you is what will keep you moving forward in a positive and healthy manner.

I always tell people that I truly believe we have many "soul mates" -- that each important and significant relationship we have is a push by the universe to help us come closer to who we really want to be in this lifetime and with whom we will ultimately settle down for the long haul. You see, we have a choice each challenging time we experience the end of a relationship: to either move forward and rise to what is better for us, or to fall and stay where we are and experience stagnation and frustration on a regular basis. The journey of any relationship, whether it survives or not, is to help us understand others and ourselves with even greater clarity.

As I write this, I wish love, light, and peace for Absidi while she travels the challenging road ahead.