just rambling away

have not been posting in a few days now. life and work has been hard..my energy has been low hard to keep up whit anything except going to work.

to day a meet the wall at work and a left. a did tell them so it was bot 100% crisis move on my part. but a hate it so much when a cant even do my job. a haven't sleep in a few days..or a have but its all in the wrong time in the day. like am coming home from work and am so tried a cant keep up so a just crashing and sleeping then, so then a can sleep at night.

spring is here

its like a burning my candle in both ends when am at work. my psychologist is saying its the correct place to work now. if a make it a feel if a do make it its going to have a very positive effect. but what is the consequence. been super lonely sins a started there a have just been talked to one friend. haven been outside after work one time. in like 4 weeks its is fairly normal for me in the past, but now know why.

at work am in this impossible situation where my complex PTCD. is making life impossible.
one of the manager. hate is a strong word but a real dont like him..and he is quitting yes. a like the one is taking over and a have been talked to him and a feel we are on the same page. its good but the rest of the workshop ve are not at all.

a think a can make it work but the biggest challenge its not to say to much or the wrong think like a did to day...fucking burning the bridges am already and outcast there. its like them and then its me.

time for contrasts 15k from the blue flovers

a know a can get a job elsewhere where it maby easier for me but a hate to give up..so not sure what to do. a just know a dont want to feel what a was feeling to day. life is to short to feel this way year after year. am been thinking to go to scoholl but it feels so far a way ust the ide when a cant even do a job have can a be a student? like all my problems is coming from my childhood and when a was in school am worry its going to trigger a lot of things and its yeat going to be a fail..just one more year...and fail..so tired of it.. a just want to feel peace. my brother has invited my to his kids birthday in a few weeks am torn on the matter its in the Easter but this can be a possibility to get back a bit of energy a few days off. and a just hate to speak to anybody of my work or my life here. after a came back from Canada my famly has all this question a understand them sure but a daont whant to spek of how my work / life is going its no roses att all am not in a good place. so much emotional and the distanse to my brhotere and my peranse is so large we are not on the same planet at all its hard like this. a can show my peranse anything tthey just treting me like a sick kid..but they are the foolt way am like this..so how the fuck can a deal whit them and how a feel now...here is me just rambling a way...my Canadian psychologist
always told me to write in till a dont have anything more to say. regardless what it was.

a miss canada sometimes and kyle the bike trips down to Spanish Banks having a fire and beer so easy no fuss,,not like now..just noting...like the last week so tired come home and sleep over eating and repeat. so many ides just died as a side effect of the current life. like my game here on steemt need now players but a not event trying barley keeping up whit the posts there a have so much time to spend but just wasting my life one day at the time...just a fucking wasting it..