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The water is dark u cant see the bottom.  Its safe on my island but its very small When my time here in in Canada is starting to settle down a see how broken a am after Norway. It's strange to say after Norway but its like  removing the safety nets.
So wo am a after all my borders are gone. Am broken on a basis level.

Recently a have had some fuck up dreams a have trouble sleeping lost interest of riding my bike have don it in 5 weeks or so. In the end of the day it's just to hard. My demons are  sabotage me. So when a have a free day of work am just isolating myself.  Haven't done anything social  outside work since 2/6. This is pretty much same as in Norway but. Still it's not the same am here on a mission to find a place a can feel ok by being here on this world. And a don't feel OK. 

my last bike ride in Norway before a move to canada

I bought myself a new (drop down handle bar) bike a was thinking having a new bike, maybe int can spark something in me.  But it just made it so much more clear. How small my island is. And Howe much shit it's in the water,

A got the bike 3 days ago haven't open the box it's sitting at work.
it's interesting how the idea of the bike fucking up a day. Just the ide before a got to work to see it triggered me. 

It's a long story there,
Fore the longest times bike riding was my medicine a was riding trails in norway 3-4 times a week many years this was round 2005  but my big depression was  happen.   a was biking but a had grooving performance anxiety,  a was pressing on for a few years just hated in more and more. To a stage where a was so paralyzed over it a remember a was freaking out if a could hear a biker in the forest. The last trip was in 2015. A fund my love of fat bike in the winter. And did a lot of gravel riding in Norway. 

 It's like a heartbreak story something a love so much

 and a get super triggered just by thinking on it. So a can't even open the box. A have had a horrible headache like a have in this moment now when am trying not to go of the deep end making this blog,  And it's not even a mountain bike. Just my college want me to join them on a bike ride in Stanley park and its a very good idea

 but my old demons are shit scared of it. In the world its only 2 people a can ride with its Hans and Sindre and the are in Norway.  In my flat if a can't even push my bike from the door to the road in fear of somebody see me, or lats say it like this. Before a get out the door am going to spent 1-2 hours on the  toilet. So a was late to work yesterday not a lot but. The reason been on the  toilet just on the idea of open my bike box.

anyhow…...but my streaming going well am using my webcam now.

sorry on the negativity but it is what it is.