From Suppressing the Best OutCome to Crafting It

Suppression has been a point of reaction for me. It's been both an internal and external trigger. It's been a point of both vulnerability and acute sensitivity. It's been my emotional heart strings. Heart Breaking. Crushing.

I've taken such great offense to manipulation, control, and deliberate suppression that is most definitely justified.

I say most definitely justified as like a really bad joke because I've realized how strongly that's been a point within me where justification is experienced as something you must...most definitely do or say...but it's a cop out and it's ridiculous. it's making sense of your own non sense you've let fester and stew. It's sloppy book keeping.

...it's like there's been this block that I've always been suppressing and hiding from this point I've been keeping from myself.

My very suppression itself...the sadness of loss and being very unsettled by the fact but making a point to hold onto this wound and just keep fighting it like that I will just keep pushing it and it being like this sore spot that's just wants to be ignored...this experience of sorrow that's mostly just suppressed because I've developed ways to distract my attention elsewhere away from any and all discomforts.

The recovery from injury has been a real inner journey for me as I see that my very living of words has been some what accidental and careless as the reflections I've come to in my word regard and past transgressions showing a real lack of care in my usage of words....the knee injury parallels well with survival system ego constructs...of getting ahead of oneself in the sense that your always on the run in the rush of things playing to win....trying to forget the sting like trauma of all the prior losses....always focusing on the next score.

There's been like this self-defeatist character deep within me where it's like ever so subtly i'm jabbing myself and putting myself into a compromising position and just kind of flaking out on my responsibility. It's a defense cop out I created years earlier in school as a way to avoid responsibilities...creating the habbit of always giving myself the option to drop out.

I did not realize how extensively this became an underlying behavior pattern within me. Like a whole protocol system of self-defeat operating passively without me really knowing it...but just kind of passively/reactively accepting it. Not realizing the layering of my own deception as the ways in which I treat myself to indulgences as a way to sort of mute the point...mute the sore spot that I hadn't realized I didn't need to hold onto as like this loss that I need to burden myself within.

So it's crazy to see that wow - I've had difficulty in following through with my own instructions ...my very own communications with myself. I've been in the habit of tuning out my bodies sensitivity...I've been very sensitive...but it's been suppressed. I'm unlocking that part of myself. Sensitivity and Vulnerability is the healing process for me here.

I realize it's my responsibility to be aware of my body communication.
I realize my body awareness and communication has been a huge point of neglect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my sound body communication.

I realize myself here as a musical instrument and my effectiveness in playing my tunes is a result of me being honest about the sounds I'm making.

When and as I experience like a block within myself and it's like my sound is muffled within an experience of suppression where it's like all of a sudden i'm not 100%, I stop and I breathe - I snap myself out of what could have been an emotional funk... the subtle prick of loss and needing to win but i'm tired/exhausted. I realize that's just a mind fuck and it's easy to stop that. It's just a matter of doctoring the script. The formula. It's a self-correction. It's doing an internal/external behavioral adjustment. A point of fine tuning. A minor adjustment. Making a change.

So let me make that more clear,

When and as I experience like a block within myself, I stop and I breathe. I repeat this method any time I experience a suppression within myself. I look at what specifically comes up in regards to the nature of the experience. I forgive the point. I make a play without restraint and continue within practically living my day as my best moment to moment management.

Another interesting point for me with the body:

My Itb had been a real issue for a bit...it was strained....and if you look at the letters of itb....it's like what's it gonna be. what it b. And it's an interesting question! This question is quite perfect for me right now as i'm in the process of doing some life planning. Questions about career, living environment, relationships, extra curricular,...

Really getting into the question:

What do I want to create for myself here without restraint. What do I want to do if I can do whatever I want to do without restraint. Where do I want to live if I can live anywhere without restraint. Who do I want to live with.

What do I really want to commit myself to.

Do I really want to commit myself to anything in particular?

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