Ash and the Favour-Man - Edit

in #busy6 years ago

Remember this?

You know the saying:
It takes a village to raise a child?
This is the story of one child the village let down - badly let down.

Well, I'm in the process of editing and it's a deeper edit than I've ever done before.

I'm planning to send this to publishers when it's finished and I'm taking lessons from an experienced editor to do so.

Remember I said you can't edit your own work?

Well that still holds true. Look at what I've learned already!

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Original text

Piss

She worked from the age of nine years old. OK, maybe not a full-time actual job since she was nine, but she always grafted, found something to do, some way of earning a few pennies. She decided one day it was what she was going to do and she went out and did exactly that.

She wasn’t old enough – or big enough – to get a paper-round. She didn’t have a bike on which to run errands (hence the need for a job). Too skinny, scrawny and under-sized to help out with laborious tasks, options limited, she took what she could find.

She would always say yes if the old-folk on the street wanted her to post a letter or fetch a loaf of bread and a tin of beans from the shop. And she always ran to finish the errand in a timely manner.

“Make sure you don’t dawdle,” the old ladies said.

“I don’t dawdle,” she’d reply.

The other kids, especially the bigger ones, either ignored the old folks’ shouts or couldn’t hear over their own boisterous noise. She seemed able to tune-in, and always abandoned the game in order to get that gig. It sometimes looked like she watched the old folks’ front doors for the handle to turn. Whatever it was she looked for, she had the cue down pat. The front door opened. She spotted it and glanced up from the game. Old person shambled down the steps. She looked up from the game field to watch. Old person shuffled along the path to the gate, looking to the group of kids. She lifted her hand in greeting and acknowledgement. Old person got to the gate a second or so before she did.

The transaction took place, sometimes money changed hands, especially if it was just a letter to post. Off she went like a rat up a drainpipe.

“Don’t dawdle.”

“I don’t dawdle!”

She saved every last penny she got from those little errands and chores. The only sweets or treats she had were given as substitute, instead of the cash she preferred.

And the new, improved version

Piss

Ashleigh had worked since before her ninth birthday. Not full-time, actual jobs, but she always grafted and schemed, found something to do and ways to earn a few pennies. One day, off exploring in the fields, she spoke to her friend, Nibbler the pony. “I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to save up all my money and buy a bike.”

The pony shifted under the weight of her head and arm slung across his back. His fur rubbed against her face and Ashleigh smiled. The warmth of his body and regularity of his breathing reassured her. She pressed her ear close to his withers to feel the pony chomp at his lunch. The sound resonated through his ribcage, reverberated in her head. Pungent pony smell ingrained in the pores on her hands. It lingered in her clothes and hair and gave a little comfort even after she’d left the fields and gone home.

Ashleigh always said yes if asked to run errands for the old-folk on the street. Posting a letter, or fetching a loaf of bread and a tin of beans took her out of the game and gave her something to do other than waiting at the back of the line for her turn.

One old lady, Ashleigh’s most regular client said the same thing every time. She pressed a carefully written shopping list and a few coins into Ashleigh’s outstretched hand. “Make sure you don’t dawdle.”
Ashleigh’s hand clutched the paper and coins tight. “I don’t dawdle.” She ran to the shop to finish the errand in a timely manner for that old lady.

The other kids, especially the bigger ones, either ignored the old folks’ shouts or couldn’t hear over their own boisterous noise. Ashleigh tuned-in to perfection and abandoned the game in favour of money in exchange for work.

Since deciding she had a goal to work toward, Ashleigh put games to the bottom of her list of priorities. She saved every last penny she earned from the errands and chores. The only sweets or treats she got were those given as substitute, payment in kind rather than the cash she preferred.


Can you see the difference?

Sort:  

Yes
It is more like can you experience the difference?
Thanks for letting us see the comparision.

Thank you for reading and commenting.

The first version was not so bad. But if to speak in essence, then the updated version is read "easier", therefore I consider it better! Thank you

Thank you! Feedback certainly helps.

The naming of her and the pony right off the bat is the biggest thing I first see. It is nice to know her name, and the initial interaction with the field and the pony, If I am remembering right they (the field and pony) do play a small but important part later. In the edit with the naming, I think naming the "(old Lady) would have been a good thing also, but I do not recall if she plays a roll later or not, but it would show that familiarity between Ashleigh and the "Old Lady".

One old lady, Ashleigh’s most regular client said the same thing every time.

to: One old lady,(Miss Crumbottom), Ashleigh’s most regular client said the same thing every time.

But not sure it would make any difference. I sort of like both versions, but the second gives us a little bit more detail to hold while we read and enjoy, wondering when Nibbler's part will be revealed.

Noted and applied (as you'll see later). Thank you!

I can see and feel the difference! I can see why people say you can't edit your own work...

Yes, very true. I'm struggling with this at the moment - trying to teach an old dog new tricks as it were.

Sometimes this old dog needs time to take in new tricks! LOL

That's pretty cool! What time period is the story set in?

This is set in present day /recent past (couple of decades at most).

Hi @michelle
How are you ?

Your post is always different .
I really like your update .

Thanks for sharing @michelle.gent

And upvote you ..

this was an incredible book! made me cry and realise how lucky i am to be alive and have had such a good childhood!

I remember reading this. I thought it was well thought out and a little worrying that a kid could live like that.

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