The Big Yin <3

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I've been meaning to see Billy Connolly's 'Made in Scotland' for a few days now. I've been a huge Billy Connolly fan for many years. Growing up, he was a trademark voice in my head. If I look carefully at the way I speak and especially at the way I joke, I can see him, his influence, the way he talks. I love that dude so much.
And I've just watched it and as it started playing and he started speaking, that voice I love so much, I became very very angry. A few years ago, Billy was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease (and with cancer, but he's clear of that now) and listening to him, it just seemed so fucking unfair. It is, it's unfair for all people who have it, I'm sure. It seems like a really bastard disease. But seeing him and knowing how energetic he was and what a brilliant mind he's got in his head, it just filled me with anger thinking about it. So, for most of the first part, I had my heart pounding in my chest, my brain screaming over and over that this is not fair.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Over and over because the more I looked at him and the more I listened to him talk about his childhood and how he became the Big Yin, it seemed all the more sad that now he's in so much pain, such suffering. I was really pissed off.
But then, as I listened to him, something amazing happened. He's got a lovely voice, often he narrates things in my head, although I don't think he knows he does. And the more he spoke, the calmer I became. My heart got back to a normal beat and I felt so relaxed by the second part, so warm. He's got a voice like an old friend who comes round to tell you jokes and you just forget why you were mad.

To be honest, I was afraid of seeing this because a couple of days ago, I saw a video circulating online and I didn't watch it, but the title said something like 'Billy Connolly – My life is slipping away from me' and it just filled my eyes with tears. And I was sure I'd cry throughout and I did a bit at first, out of anger at how unfair this is. And at how annoying. Because of a lot of reasons. Mainly because of all the people who died suffering. And because so many truly amazing minds and people seem to live their last years suffering, for some undisclosed reason. Only yesterday, it was David Bowie's birthday and in a few minutes, it's going to be the anniversary of his death. He died of cancer and that seems like a truly horrible way to go, so much pain and sadness. And so many others beside him...

Anyway, this is not about that. The point is, I didn't cry. It felt so lovely watching, listening to Billy talk about his love for Scotland. It felt warm and happy, not at all what I'd expected it would be. Even when that bit about life slipping away came on, it wasn't as sad as I would've imagined. You know why? Mainly because of the way he speaks about his disease. He's got this truly brilliant outlook on it -

It's as if I'm being prepared for something. Some other adventure, which is over the hill. But I've got all this stuff to lose first.

Throughout, he speaks of it as if he's waiting for the next adventure indeed, as if something extraordinary will happen and as if it's exciting. And maybe it is. I really hope he sees it that way, because it's a truly impressive way of thinking about it. Remarkable. Especially given all the frustration he must feel because of the disease slowly biting away chunks of him. Age as well, I suppose.
I did cry afterward, though. There was this clip of him from the tour he went on after he got the news. And he was standing there, telling a joke about Parkinson's and it was funny and everyone was laughing, but he was not. And that just broke me. He was so serious and so afraid, the look on his face was heart-breaking.
And he spoke of it and said that he remembered standing there and that he hadn't stood anywhere since the diagnosis and it...you could see that on his face, the not knowing how to be this person and that was so cruel and so unfair.

But again, that's not the point. The point is, I wish I think the same way when I go. That's the way to view life, or rather the end of it, as an adventure yet to come, as some great mystery over the hill. I'm usually one to scowl when people say 'oh, X is such an inspiration', but Billy really is. At least to me.

It's amazing to listen to him talk. Still. It always will be, I suppose.

PS: I just saw this :)

I love this guy.

Thanks for reading,