How & Why Our Anxieties Are A Survival Trait! NEW Stand Up Comedy!

in #comedy6 years ago

When I first moved to this country I had a really hard time making friends. So my mum encouraged me to go out to the playground and talk to the kids there. I walked up and said 'Hi' and they invited me to play a game of Basketball, mostly because they need an even number to play 5 on 5. As an 8 year old immigrant, I've never played or heard of Basketball before. I asked if it was similar to cricket, and it is not! It's basically the opposite of Cricket! So they taught me the basics and we kicked off the game. So I get the ball passed me and I dribbled it and I was excited to be a part of this game. And then everyone started to yell! "Pass it here! No pass to your left! Shoot! Take the shot! Take the shot! Take the shot!" I had a panic attack and freaked out. I don't want the power this orange globe contains! It's too much responsibility. So I closed my eyes, threw it away and left it to Chance, who was a gentleman in the opposite team. He shoots and scores. And a kid by the name of Chris Schavion runs at me, tackles me and pull a knife out on me.

OK, so the reaction I'm looking for is "concerned laughter". There's a few places across this country that just can't handle the reality that I lived in. Like Asheville, NC is a beautiful blue bubble in the South, just couldn't handle that reality. They looked at me like "Holy shit, did you know that was a hate crime! If you're not offended, we will be offended for you!" And then other places that go the opposite direction. "Hahahah, learn the rules faggot!" Woah, it's just an orange globe!

But that's what he did. He tackled me to the ground and pull a switchblade on me. And I can remember thinking "Boy Basketball seems really aggressive! If I knew this was a rule, I'd never done that shit. Gee I don't know if I'm cut out for this game. I think I'm mostly cut out to read a book and cry in the corner." I developed a lot anxiety from that.

I'm a very anxious person. I have a crippling amount of anxiety! Anxiety is actually a survival tactic. We're all here because we're descendants of anxious cowards. The reason we're all here is because our ancestors thousands of years ago heard a noise and said "What is that?! Fuck it I'm out!" and ran! We're a lot more prepared for things. We know exactly how many escape routes there are. Makes you more prepared to deal with uncomfortable situations. Like if I go to a party and walk into a conversation, "Ok Krish, someone just made a joke, don't laugh, don't pander. OK someone is talking! Make eye contact with them!Make eye contact with them!Make eye contact with them!Make eye contact with them!Make eye contact with them! This is far too much eye contact! Have you blinked? You haven't. OK here we go...3...2...1...Blink. That is not how normal humans blink Krish. Put your hand out to shake theirs. Ok no one is reciprocating and now it looks like I tried to grab their crotch. I need a way out! No worries, 5 exit strategies already lined up!

Anxious people also have higher IQ, because you need to what's the wrong with the world and how you can fix it. Knowledge is power and so is the knowledge that you might not be able to do something about it so you gotta adapt. Like if an asteroid destroyed the earth tomorrow, there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know Bruce Willis! But my sister's Netflix password I can probably figure that out by paying attention, spreadsheets & diligent note taking

Anxious people are also better empaths. We can sense whether people are happy or sad. Mainly because we need to know if we did something to make you sad. Was it the eye contact? It was too much right? Or was it the asteroid thing? I'm tellin’ yah stuff I read. Was the Netflix thing? You know that shouldn't be a big deal because everyone has everyone's passwords. But you're I should've asked. Wait the asteroid's not a metaphor for our relationship is it?

From the album, "Approaching Happiness" available on Bandcamp [http://bit.ly/ApproachHappy]!

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