School is f**cked up, Learn from Experience!!! - Comedy Open Mic Round 17 Entry 1

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago (edited)

unnamed (27).jpg

Image source

I didn't go to college and I never attended any university but I got a degree. I have been in and out of a relationship now it's too many to count but I earn my pay somehow. See everyone, experience is the best teacher and nothing is gonna change that at least not while I'm alive. Experience can make you money, "you learn you earn, you know what I mean?" Nevertheless forget it and let’s not get too engrossed in this immature way of thinking and I think it's for the best that we start discussing like professionals. A lot of people don't ask for my qualifications as regards my job specialization but they know already that's why they come, they must have read my profile...somewhere...elsewhere or heard anywhere but I don't care neither do I give a damn.

I was once a kid like y’all reading this but now I'm grown up and I would have said you should all give me my fair share of respect but i don't think like you do think that's why I'm different and I think respect should be by experience, hire my service once and you will continue to do so.

You ask me why?

Are you so dumb that you can't reason?

Anyways, "it's because I make them all happy, I give them what they want and unlike many business man or professionals out there, I give my customer satisfaction. Customer satisfaction is my job motto and I like it. You ask me why? Cos’ it gives me satisfaction.

Satisfaction can be a two way thing in business if you know what the hell you're doing. Soon I think I will place a recruitment advert out there so that I get to train and build expert that will move this world to a place different. I know am not like some goddamn superhero, do they even exist? Hell yes! In the movies. Don’t worry I won’t be mad simply because you call me an alien, I sure don’t think same way as you do. So I probably am more than qualified to be tagged “alien”.

Still I've said a lot of things and no one cares about what job am into because they are satisfied but I ain't satisfied which means that y'all are selfish and I'm not going to allow that in my new world order I’m creating. Remember?! Satisfaction should be a two way thing, "service provider should be satisfied and the customers should be satisfied." See... It's not so hard afterall!

Now for the introduction

To whom it may concern...
Now I sound awkward, you should consider this a privilege and I want more than just a thank you note from you, haven't you read my profiles or are you waiting to be told? Sorry I lost my cool this easy.

Actually I'm kinda feeling airtight being the first time I'm making my introduction official. I think I'm gonna need a coffee soon and @comedyopenmic would be more than so gracious to foot the bill. Am I right?
Anyways I don't need their answer, I can just turn back and go back to whatever black hole I came from but what would that make me? An hypocrite that abandoned his so called principle?

Ain’t gonna do that, Cos’ I’m not done with y’all yet, you’ve gotta hear what I have to say, the equation has to be balanced. My principle still stands "satisfaction for one, satisfaction for all" that's how we roll, oops!

I'm a certified divorce practitioner, I earn this certification by my due diligence and experience unlike you hypocrites that go to school and learn what you won't practice. That's why the world is going wayward, that's why the world is sick and needs people like me for it healings. Breaking away from a relationship isn't a problem as long as you have me at your watch, by your side.

I know what you gonna say next, "marriage is till death!" Yea! If you want it to be so, then so be it but I assure you that there are thousands, millions that are depressed and so much want out in a relationship and they need guidance and counseling. As I'm writing this post now, I can assure you that I've lead precisely 10,000 divorce operations and they have been successful. You might think I'm bad for throwing my full support behind divorce operations, anyways I don't care what you think or you're thinking.

I'm not saying that I'm good or bad but what I know is I see people struggling in a relationship, I pull them out immediately as long as they can say or spell the word “HELP” to my hearings and just so you know, I'm now introducing a service diversification in the way I and my team operate which is to include new responsibilities. The most imminent of which is; I can make exemptions to your divorce situation. I can mend broken relationships, you might want to ask for my qualification but I assure you will prefer that I give it to you practical, so I will be awaiting your decision.

Now talking on the expansion in my chain of business, I would love to explain my sudden need for diversification inclusion in the line of our operation; Countless time have I told you that all our services revolves around satisfaction but a recent review of our mode of operation reveals to me that something that I regard as a two way satisfaction can sometimes be inefficient and as y'all know I don't condole inefficiencies!!! Sorry, I blew my top… but you had better listen carefully to my illustration cos’ I ain't coming back to this topic ever again not even on live performance, all you will be hearing from me after this...is our condition of service. Thanks to my ever attentive listener, please no recording all I need is your unfailing attentiveness, I believe if I'm correct our brain should serves us better than our recording tapes.

Sorry for the diversion...sorry, the digression. I'm saying sorry to ease my fury on the illiterate or the literate that are illiterate that might confuse the world diversion for diversification. Come to think of it; should I apologize for trying to help people in the best possible way? I mean...Nevertheless, don't bother I will let bygones be bygones"

Now back to the illustration;
If I'm hired by patient A to help in a divorce out of a relationship with patient B. "Now don't get too emotional and don't you start your criticism and I sure don't want to see pity written over your faces...I mean what was I supposed to do, should I sit back and watch people suffer? No! It ain't gonna happen, not under my watch anyways." BACK TO MY ILLUSTRATION!!!

Before this diversification of a thing, I do my job to give all round satisfaction but after giving it some thought, I think I must be wrong at times. Therefore, to increase our service efficiency, I and my board of directors have agreed to implement some upgrade...yea! The upgrade birthed the diversification. Listen as I point out the little flaw using my illustration;

If patient A actually gets a divorce, he/she is happy, if my patient is happy, then I'm happy. Bizzare right? I know, this has been going on but then me and my team in order to improve the service that we're offering to the people found out that there is perhaps one party left unsatisfied, maybe two it all depends on the number involved.

Oh no! this can mean utter disatisfaction

When I made customer A's dream come true by ensuring the divorce was successful, customer A is happy but customer B may or may not be happy depending on whether he/she wants the divorce. If customer B doesn't want a divorce and eventually was divorced, then it means that there will be dissatisfaction and so it can be annulled by hiring a service as quality as the one that planned and executed the divorce.
You know, a little physics could help; Action and reaction must be equal and opposite-Newton's third law of inertia

Don't bombard me with questions about how I got to learn about Newton's law since I didn't go to school. Well I won't keep you in the dark...my board of directors constitute of grade A graduate students in the best university, nationwide.

So, like I'm saying it will be best if customer B hires me likewise and i will do a clean job of maintaining a balance and they get to live together happily ever after.

Now you know how concerned I am about my customers but then I'm also giving the parties involved an equal chance to be on the winning side. Else how the hell did I survive this long if not for a job well done, with me failure is no option.

How can customer B or any other enjoy the satisfaction we provide?

Don’t worry we’ve got all the answers to your questions;

It’s by subscribing to our service offer which means more customers and then more satisfaction for me and my employees. Grinn!!!
With this all said, I'm imagining seeing you smiling and welcoming our service diversification with open arms. So, we break relationships and we build relationship and we can do both, your choice...aargh!..aargh!!...aargh!!!

Well seems I like to stay hidden, I will tell you a story about how I got certified and became a divorce practioner.

This is my story

I was once a very brilliant lad who could solve almost none of the mathematical problem in the world. I don't like reading yet I don't know how to fail, a couple of my friends have tried teaching failure to me all to no avail. I guess I'm not just meant for failure...at least failure depends on peoples perspective and have always manage to keep my head above water by coming second to the last in every examination. That is no failure...at least to me!

I planned attending college and later go to the university but I decided against it when I learnt of my brother's frustration. He's in the university now but still dwells in his past and I ain't gonna allow any school system do that to me. I've see a lot of people face shit like that and I know how it ends. My brother would tell me of his experience almost anytime we're together, he would say;
The educational system is totally f**cked up and if I ask for the reason for such outburst, he would reply me;

Can you imagine, what we are supposed to be taught in the college is postponed till when we get to the university! My teacher will often say, "class!, you will learn this when you get to the university, don't worry by then you'll understand it, I've believed it for so long and now I'm in the university and can you imagine that same is the case.

How's that so, I had asked him inquisitively, so he replied;

My lecturer said we ought to have known some basic thing by now which should have been thought to us in the college and he isn't willing to do us that favour, instead he ranting words beyond our comprehension.

Right then I understand his pain, all this happen because he went to school, so I stopped going to school then I never went to college nor university. I loved girls and I certainly do not need any form of qualification to get in the league. I have the whole 365 days to myself every year for dating different kinds of ladies, I engage with one and disengage with another. It was so till I grew up into my teenage years by then I've had a thorough experience. My mates are studying to be a medical practitioner in school most of which are theoretical, that's why they have a huge turn up of complications. I on the other hand had experience and it was enough, I already earned a title which I held since age 11 "breaker of chains" and now it all works for me. I do a clean job, people are satisfied then I'm satisfied. Just so you know, the title wasn't revoked but updated to suit my profession when I grew much older and what was the title?

"A certified divorce practitioner"

Well, I still do a lot of chain breaking nowadays but now I also get to forge broken chains. So everyone look me in the eye...

That's my story...I bet that is your story too. Start making a job out of your experience for experience they say is the best teacher, y'all don't need to go to school no more, school is f**cked up and is left for you to make your choice, take a decision. Don't just stand there reading my story, I need a whole load of work coming my way, why don't you get out there enter a relationship while we do the rest.
And for all of you that awaits recruitment into our service provision sector, having done test and interviews, you will be needing at least a year field experience. So you had better get out there and explore so you can have high chances of been recruited. See ya! Till next year or next two years maybe.

Thanks audience for considering this worth your time!!!!

I will like to nominate @idikuci and @josediccus for this contest. Good luck guys!! Make the house punny!!!

Rules of the contest are here https://steemit.com/comedyopenmic/@comedyopenmic/4pmdkb-comedy-open-mic-round-rules and the latest round is here https://steemit.com/comedyopenmic/@comedyopenmic/comedy-open-mic-comedy-contest-round-17

U5drefv7yAfzcJtobLnqqNob4SzeKM1_1680x8400.png

Written and Compiled
By
@aduragbemi
11/06/2018

U5drefv7yAfzcJtobLnqqNob4SzeKM1_1680x8400.png

Sort:  

I nominated you in my week 16 lol hahsha, wow it's amazing week 17 is here , you did so well with this

Thanks @josediccus and congratulations on your win

And don't try running away from this one

Lol thank you certainly my friend, comedy openmic is the real deal, you will have fun here

Congratulations! This post has been upvoted from the communal account, @minnowsupport, by Aduragbemi from the Minnow Support Project. It's a witness project run by aggroed, ausbitbank, teamsteem, theprophet0, someguy123, neoxian, followbtcnews, and netuoso. The goal is to help Steemit grow by supporting Minnows. Please find us at the Peace, Abundance, and Liberty Network (PALnet) Discord Channel. It's a completely public and open space to all members of the Steemit community who voluntarily choose to be there.

If you would like to delegate to the Minnow Support Project you can do so by clicking on the following links: 50SP, 100SP, 250SP, 500SP, 1000SP, 5000SP.
Be sure to leave at least 50SP undelegated on your account.

Coin Marketplace

STEEM 0.35
TRX 0.12
JST 0.040
BTC 71539.00
ETH 3603.23
USDT 1.00
SBD 4.75