Identity Crises in Iraq - Comedy Open Mic Round 16 Entry 2

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago (edited)

It's now day 23 of Ramadan, for those who don't know Ramadan is 30 days long in which you can't eat or drink water from sunrise to sunset. For a fat man like me that's torture, so much so I'm debating whether I should just eat now and just go to hell. I'm halfway through my 20s and already going through Identity crises (It even took me three tries to spell identity correctly) my dad is in his 50's and I'm having more midlife crises than him. Iraq isn't exactly a place where you can have identity crises, it's more of place for "oh shit, I guess they're cutting off our heads today" and there is no place for emotions as it has only two options, you're extremely healthy or you're schizophrenic, Lucky for me my Abilify is running out so soon this wouldn't be a problem.

The thing is: when you're halfway through your 20s and single after being 4 times engaged and one time married, unemployed and making your money writing fat and fart songs and giving "thanks for you" to @Traf whenever he posts something you start developing those crises.I could have been a doctor you know, but I live in Iraq and saw enough intestines for my lifetime. I could have been an engineer but again I live in Iraq, so what's the point of building something you know it's going to be blown all the way down anyway? I once had a dream of becoming a photographer, but when I went to my dad, he pulled out his phone and took a picture of me and sent it to my phone and charged me my monthly allowance, it was the 4th day of that month.....

I tried being a playboy who plays with big boobs every night, I once went to a girl and told her "those are nice big boobs you have there" to which she replied "Yours are better" and she had a point, now I do play with big boobs every night, just not someone else's. 3 of the 4 times I was engaged it was to my cousins, I didn't have much of a say in it as I wasn't even in the country, my dad called each time and said "you're engaged now" but I was against it because those very cousins where daughters of cousins, add to that another cousin marriage and you'll understand why Arab IQs are dropping. All of my cousins went on to marry other cousins, and now they're about to have kids, ones that you hope would get dropped on their heads as it would hopefully make them smarter.

A friend once told that I need to just press a button and restart my life, so I did

It did nothing.

Living in Iraq definitely has it's perks, for example I can go out for as long as I want, as long as I get home before 10:30 so I can beat enforced curfew. I could go swimming in water flavored chlorine and come out looking like I just scored 32 ounces of meth. I can take a cab anywhere I want, granted I'd spend half an hour arguing the fare only for him to tell me he's going home anyway but hey, I made a friend. I don't spend all my time on my laptop or phone, sometimes my friends come pick me up and we'd go to an internet place where I'd surf the internet and do the exact same thing I was doing on my laptop and phone, but at least I get to spend the very little money I have doing that.

I've had more sense of direction when I was 15 than I do now, of course at the time I wanted to be batman and jump off building and ended up falling three stories on piles of trash that we keep behind out building for no apparent reason other than the garbage doesn't like working before the morning coffee that he drinks at 12, 2 hours before he goes home. Hopefully the garbage has been removed now, my dad paid people to have it removed after he heard I would have died if it wasn't there. Maybe I should try being Batman now.

I nominate @mattmonarch to share a funny story with us and @tangerinetravels to show us what crazy stories they witnessed in Mexico

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what no perks about frequent goat 🐐 miles?

The mileage is broken till goat marriage is legal and #lovewins

Amir, I’m big on self-reliance. It’s good to have your own big boobs to play with whenever you want, if you love doing that.

As for Ramadan, I associate it with yummy biscuits, so I’m hungry now too. Thinking about those ones with the rosewater, cashews, nuts , and the yummy baked cookie smell...

As for the removal of rubbish, I am certain you dad was planning to make room for a pool...one day...

And finally, I’ve been pressing the restart button all my life, it’s the alarm button. Didn’t you know that? So yeah, it’s not very satisfying and borders on annoying...

Excellent post on the life of Amir.

Ps: I hope you’ve been productive while playing with boobs as inspiration for booby song!

Congrats again on curie! Yay!

I'm never productive while playing with my boobies, and thanks, it made my week.

Thank you for sharing this man. While the realities you speak of are far from my personal existence. Reading and feeling you i honestly feel broadens me. The mission behind this badge is to find post that you can smell. gritty, real, posts that share pieces of the real person behind the letters on a screen. This is so raw and hilarious, sad and enlightening. Thank You. Badge of Originality BUTTBADGE small.jpg
'The Butt believes you have demonstrated #proofofpost'

I'll wear that badge with Honor. thanks. not just for your words, but for helping me out in general (You know what event exactly I'm talking about)

Isn't Batman rich?

Yeah, but I have more friends.

You hit all the right buttons. This is the essence of comedy because it comes from real life. You had me laughing the whole time because of your brilliance.

Thanks, Comedy is tricky. I have people telling me they cried.

You should report me for plagiarism.

Glorious. Actually I laughed and wept. But I want to help you. Plagiarism, but using plagiarized English, looks like real plagiarism. Here's how. First, translate my opinion into another language. Then translate back into English. You will get something strange. Use it as a polarized annotation.

And if we do not have anything better to do, would you break up the commentary section in Amir's masterpiece?

Oh my. This is beautiful.

flattered. In truth I did laugh and cry. But I want to give you some help. If you plagiarize but use screwed up English to make it look like real plagiarism. Here's how to do it. First translate my comment into another language. Then translate it back to English. You will get something freaky. Use that as your polarized comment.

And don't we have anything else better do do then mess up the comment section in Amir's masterpiece?

Love this post.. selfspot rules!!!

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words.

You hit all the right buttons. This is the essence of drama because it comes from real life. You had me weeping the whole time because of your brilliance.

You press all the right button. This is the essence of a drama born from real life. You are always crying because of your glow.

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Excellent mate...love your style :)

Thanks man, let's your style when you make a #comedyopenmic entry hopefully.

I'm writing it now my friend. Will be another hour or two :)

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