No More Sex Jokes - Comedy Open Mic Round 25 Entry 1

I find myself at a somewhat ethical hypocritical dilemma. I have a serious problem making sex jokes, they're just too easy to make aren't they? However I honestly hate reading sex jokes and it extremely hypocritical considering that I was the one that wrote a dick song lyrics for @carlgnash and self-driver car post that half of which was made of blowjob jokes, not to mention my post about my quest for the perfect porn, all of which got the fat upvote from @curie and the last one even featured on their author showcase post. @llfarms struggled to find a post of mine that didn't include a blowjob joke or reference and I'm too far removed from the ethics put by @nobyeni in her plea against dick jokes. So today let's see what the problem really is and answer the question; can non-sex jokes be as funny?

It's not just me. Nobyeni or Llfarms that seem to have a problem with those jokes. COM Leader @idikuci said "as evidence we use COM's entries given that each week more and more poop and dick jokes happen eventually (court) Jester will be "Ow! My Balls!!" which if that statement ever turned into a rule @belemo would stop existing. Sex is inherently funny, it's even the one continuous plot in shows like friends, big bang theory, two and a half men, scandal, hell the entire main plot of game of thrones was sex-driven. Comedians' careers started and continued because of sex, Louis C.K's career started, continued and ended because of sex related stuff. Which goes to show the problem with sex jokes, there's just too much of them. There hasn't been one original sex joke, they've all been heard/read. So let's try avoiding sex jokes from now on. Let's do the news.

So few weeks back, an Egyptian newspaper exposed an terrorist operation intended to bomb Apple's HQ with Steve Jobs in it, the operation was of course supposed to go into plan before Steve's death. The operation's main objective was: Blow Jobs and every man in that headquarter. The plan failed because only gay men who misunderstood the objective applied.

Okay, kinda failed there but you can't miss a joke that's there already, sex is just everywhere, who has been the most covered woman on the news in the U.S political scene since 2016 election? Stormy Daniels, a 39 years old porn star, let me find a SFW picture of her... looking..... still looking..... Oh, give me 3 minutes...... okay, looking

Stormy.jpg
Sorry, anything other than a head picture wouldn't have fit into the SFW category.

Stormy Daniels who have become the new symbol of the democratic party was arrested last month. Let's look at that without attempting to make sexual jokes. Okay let's just read the police report. The leading democratic 2020 presidency candidate Stormy Daniels police report read.

At approximately 11:30 PM a dancer using the stage name Stormy Daniels later identified as Stephanie Clifford made her way to the stage and began performing, the majority of the patrons got up from their table and stood immediately adjacent to the stage throwing dollar bills at miss Clifford

Which is a good metaphor for her entire career as well as an actual non-metaphor for her entire career

During her performance after removing her top exposing her breasts she began forcing the faces of the patrons into her chest and using her bare breasts to smack the patrons

That's something people do I guess.

The officers also observed that miss Clifford fondling the breasts of female patrons as soon as the officers observed the aforementioned criminal activity Detective Lancaster, Keckley, and Praither approached the stage, miss Clifford made her way to detective Keckley and began performing in front of her. Miss Clifford leaned over grabbed detective and began smacking her head with her bare breast and holding her face between her breasts against her chest

Okay, allow me to say; America is already great

Miss Clifford then began making her way to detective Landcaster and performed the same acts on him forcing his face into her chest between her breasts and began smacking his face with her bare breasts. Miss Clifford then moved on to the stage where officer Praither was standing and began fondling officer Praither's buttocks and breasts, she then forced officer Praither's head into her chest between her breasts and began smacking officer Praither face with her bare breasts as she had done with all the other patrons and aforementioned officers.

That's like a mason chain or something

During this time, detective Rosser was standing back through the bar area witnessing the criminal activities

So detective Rosser was the least lucky officer assigned that night

As soon as Miss Clifford moved on from officer Praither detective Rosser made his way through the crowd to advise the other officers he was exiting the club to request the assistance of patrol to arrest the aforementioned three suspects. All three suspects were arrested without incident

Wait I'm confused, who are the three suspects? Are they referring to Clifford and her breasts? I'm not sure who the other two arrested are, this report is poorly written. Okay, I think we've gone through this report with the least amount of sexual jokes possible considering that 76% of that report were based on a woman hitting people with her bare breasts.

Yes, sex jokes are pretty repetitive but comedy comes from what we see on the news whether it's T.V, newspaper or the most reliable source of the news: Social Media. And what have the news been covering lately? Or more precisely, what have the news covered that we can talk and make jokes about without offending anyone? Politics and religion are what some people run from when they watch/read comedy works. Wars and natural disasters? The first counts as politics and the second you can't really make jokes about unless it's sex related "Boy, I tell you that volcano blew harder than your mother" which really brings us back full circle. Comedians can only make fun of trends, Alright let's try that.

There's currently a video I found called "Pony Play" here's the video for it and I really suggest you watch it

So people put on bits in their mouths and enter the "pony space" in which they all become ponies. Very important thing to learn if you haven't seen the video and that is you need a minute to go from human space to pony space and that's very important as you could get lost in the time and space centaurium, a little joke for you mythology fans out there. So you need a minute to adjust before expressing yourself as a pony. The only downside to this is that pony space is much like going inception dream deep level so if they break their legs you'd have to shoot them as they won't be able to grow the leg back when they're in the pony space.

But let's be considerate here, okay? I shouldn't be making jokes here. Who are we to judge? We don't have the right to judge and say that those people aren't ponies as they have entered the pony after all, they are now ponies. You can't tell them they're not ponies and as a cis human you don't have a say in the matter. Answer me this honestly; why can't they go by their preferred pronounce and just be referred to as "ney". How dare all of you?! These are legit ponies and are as real as the ponies you'd see at a ranch somewhere and should they choose to run out there with ponies, wear bits and bridals, and poop in the field you don't have the right to judge them and make fun of them. That's bullying, you're causing pain and suffering. Society's intolerance is what causing this situation where beautiful ponies like those aren't going out in public and live far from the city. Why can't they live among us? They're horses and should be treated as such and like I said before if they break a leg you'd have to put them down and not suggest treatments as by doing that you'd be insulting them and trespassing on their rights as ponies, you equinophobic fucks) ! It's just disturbing that we can be so intolerant toward such majestic horses. So please when you see one of them walking down the street give them a carrot and a lump of sugar.

So there it is. I tried to make a non-sexual joke and offended these horses plus angered people getting offended on their behalf. In this day and age a liberal like me should know better than to make a joke that would offend anyone, you can't joke about ponies as you'd be offending those people and you can't make fun of goats as you'd be offending Arabs. Politics and religion are too touchy, social issues offend people, wars and natural disasters are too depressing, so what can we joke and write comedies about? If I only there was something we're all familiar with, something that's one of the most watched things on the internet, something that rappers and T.V show makers make millions talking about and showing, and most importantly; something that wouldn't offend anyone. Can you think of any? Neither can I.

In summary

Honestly coming to write this post I had entirely different idea in mind. I wanted to be the noble man that doesn't giggle at the word penis so often like an 8 years old. But I can't really blame anyone for writing so many sex jokes, not everyone has gone to a good puniversity like @diebitch, I mean look at @dj123, he hasn't been able to write a single post yet. And not everyone is as brilliant as me that would do research just to justify being so fat by linking it to the rise of civilizations , maybe lifeless is a better description. So maybe sex jokes are trashy, overused and repetitive, but can you come up with something that could get the most amount of laughter without the hassle of offending anyone? I personally can, yeah, but then again no one is as brilliant as me.

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alright, alright... you have clearly proven me wrong. Your comedic genius goes far beyond sex jokes, and this post makes me so proud to be an American... bravo sir. 👏🏼

Like I said up there, it wasn't really my intention to prove you wrong even ask @idikuci there was a whole conversation about it. The stuff in this post make me want to live in America.

Consider me asked.


This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.

Breast slaps and badly written reports are the hallmark of an U.S. police officer.

such respect for law enforcement

What is life without sex jokes? Let's be honest, there's no life

now imagine a sexless life.....here's a knife

That's a strange way to spell cock

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I shouldn't have trash talked @belemo in the post then....

It knows.

hahah....you're fcuked!

karma is a bitch to bad-mouthers!

Please don't stop with your research. You are uncovering the news that I NEED to hear =D

You're going to love upcoming post then.

Jesus, if you ever existed, please strike the pony video from my mind.

Okay, I'm still stuck on the three suspects arrested... so it was Stormy, the right breast and the left breast?

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