The Funny Things My 3 Year Old Son Says - Comedy Open Mic Round 17

If you're a parent then you might already know this, but children are a comedic goldmine.

My son who just turned three comes out with the funniest things, completely left-field stuff that would be guaranteed to make people laugh if he was talking into a microphone in a musty comedy club.

I had the foresight a few months ago to start writing down the hilarious things that he says and in this post, you're getting the world exclusive premiere of things my son has actually said. So after being asked by @comedyopenmic why I haven't made a post yet, I decided this will be my first foray.

I was going to do a post laden with dad jokes, but I think they're an acquired taste. So being the good father I am, I am going to exploit my sons naive and funny nature for a competition entry.

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Death

My grandmother passed away a few months ago and we were cleaning out her house to prepare it for sale. My sister and her daughter who is a little older was there as well. We all burst out laughing when we heard this.

My son picks up a stuffed animal off the ground

His cousin: that's grandmas toy

His reply (he yells it): no grandma is dead!

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Future janitor:

Our son is newly toilet trained, but the weird toilet behaviour seems to be a recurring thing still.

My son is in the toilet with the door closed and he has been in there for a while...

Me: Are you okay, do you need some help?

His reply: It's okay daddy I am just cleaning the toilet with my penis (he was urinating into the toilet)

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Is this even a profession?

At kindergarten they were recently having a, "what do you want to be when you grow up day" and we dressed our son in his little high visibility outfit because he loves trucks and machines, he told us before he left he wants to be an excavator driver.

At some point, the story changed because the teacher at kindergarten told us what he said when they ask him.

Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?

His reply: I am going to pick my nose and eat my boogers every day

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Road rage is contagious

I will admit I have a road rage problem, well I see it as not having the patience for stupid drivers on the road. This happened about two months ago while I was driving, it was an eye-opener for me to curb my rage while my son was in the car.

A car cuts in front of me and I beep my horn, but I stop myself from saying anything

My son who is in the back seat immediately says, "Daddy is that an idiot?"

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Swimming lesson

I take my son to a swimming lesson once per week on a Sunday and after we're done, we go into a cubicle to get dressed. The cubicles are in the same air-conditioned room where people get ready for classes or ready after a class is done.

Daddy is that your penis?

My reply: Yes, it's my penis

His reply (while people were outside): Daddy is your penis really big, yes or no?

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Long day

My son has a catchphrase he likes to throw around "long day" he says it a lot, but in this one instance, it was too funny to not write it down.

I get home from work and ask, "Hi son, how was your day?"

His reply: it was good, a long day daddy

Oh, yeah, what did you do?

His reply: I did a big poo and my bum is a little sore

Oh, that's not good. Are you okay?

His reply: it was a long day daddy

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How does he even know what Bitcoin is?

We were out doing our weekly shop at Aldi when he came out with this. We don't even know where he learned about Bitcoin.

Daddy, can we buy some Bitcoin maybe?

My reply: They don't sell Bitcoin here

He points to a random guy in the store and says: can that man buy Bitcoin?

My reply: if he wants too

His reply: can we buy some Bitcoin next week?

My reply: We'll talk about it later

His reply: okay daddy

When we get home he says to my wife, "we are buying Bitcoin from Aldi next week"

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Stop Lying

Bedtime is a constant tug-o-war with our son who is strong willed and hard to wrangle into a bedtime routine. He was in a bad mood one day and we had an interesting exchange.

I am not going to bed, I'm going to watch Paw Patrol now!

My wife: no we are reading you a book and you're going to bed

His reply as he rubs his eyes: but I am not tired anymore

My reply: why are you rubbing your eyes then?

His reply: I am not rubbing my eyes stop lying

My reply: but I saw you

His reply: no you didn't I was asleep and you woke me up, stop lying

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Bad Iron Man

Our son is starting to go through that stage where he wants to dress up as superheroes and he has an Iron Man outfit he likes to wear (mask and all). I was hysterical with laughter when this happened, my wife didn't find it funny though.

I am bad Iron Man

My reply: but Iron Man is one of the good guys

His reply: I am bad Iron Man and I am going to eat all of my dinner

He then proceeds to throw his dinner plate onto the ground

My wife: that was very naughty, why did you throw your dinner on the ground for?

His reply: but I didn't, Iron Man threw my dinner on the floor

He then proceeded to get really upset and kept saying how "bad Iron Man" threw his dinner on the floor.

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This an entry for @comedyopenmic and I was nominated by @comedyopenmic and encouraged by fellow Brisbanian @idikuci in the Discord chat to write something. As per the rules, I have to nominate a couple of people... So I am calling out @aclarkuk82 and @mazzle to write something. Let's see what you guys have got.