Poor People, Ecto Cooler, and Steemit Swag! Oh My!!! Comedy Open Mic Round #36

About two months ago...somewhere in between my dog dying and my other dog dying, the always amazing @tecnosgirl ran a contest for a sweet Steem bottle opener. I think the contest was for best human on earth or something modest like that...but let’s not get hung up on that. Let’s just all agree that I deserved to take home the prize...regardless of what the basis was.

I have a bar in the basement where I drown my sorrows and we always throw bbq’s, get togethers, seances, and orgy’s, so bottle openers are always welcome in this dysfunctional mess of a home.

I remember that day as if it were yesterday...or 60 days ago. I dunno. What I do know is when I went down to the mailbox to get the credit card offers I’d eventually be declined for, Chinese boner pills, and Omaha Steaks, I was super pumped to see an envelope from @tecnosgirl. Yay! I immediately noticed something was wrong as it was too light to contain a metal bottle opener. It only took a second to realize that the side of the envelope had been sliced open revealing...no opener.

I immediately went into a hulk like rage. I punched my mailbox, flipped off my nosy asshole neighbor who always wants to gossip about the other neighbors, and wrote @tecnosgirl an expletive filled rant about how much I hated her for getting my hopes up just to crush em. Ya see...ever since I was a stupid little boy, I had big dreams of a shiny Steem bottle opener cracking open a nice tall cool Stewart’s Root Beer. Now I had to face the reality of drinking from cans for life like poor people or using a different bottle opener all together which is...simply...unacceptable and outright disgusting.

Ok, so it didn’t go exactly like that. Some of the above miiiiiiiiiiiiiight be slightly over exaggerated but the part of it not being in the envelope was true. I’m not a goddamned liar. I let her know and we both found it weird and shitty but no biggie. Life goes on. I cried...mainly about my lack of bottle opener...but also for my dead dogs.

Fast forward a month later and my hot streak continued by winning a mystery box from @tecnosgirl again. I’m a champion...what can I say?!? The contents??? Let’s see...shall we?!?

Before I start showing off the goods...I just want to say thank you again to @tecnosgirl. She spent $13.65 shipping this out. That’s a lot of dough and could have bought almost a case of Ecto Cooler off eBay.

Anyway, she’s an absolute rockstar and a vital part of what makes this platform a great place. If she’s not on your follow list...then I just feel plain ol’ sorry for you. You should reevaluate your life and goals and fix your broken mess of a life. The good news is that you can change that by giving her a follow! She runs kickass contests often and is always engaging with others. A true asset!!!

Ok...first off she wrote me a nice personalized card. In it she simply asked that if I didn’t think I would use some of the items...to redistribute them. So I am keeping a few things from here and will be burning the rest with my ex’s photos that I’m weirdly still hanging onto. Or she said I can hold my own contests for the items I didn’t want to keep or burn so I’ll be doing that once I return from Krakow for @steemfest where I will most likely get the trots. You can read about that fear here. https://steemit.com/roadtosteemfest/@blewitt/theroadtosteemfest-fears--c2fzkw8ho6

Of course she threw in a replacement bottle opener because she’s awesome. Definitely keeping this bad boy.

I don’t drink coffee. My diet mainly consists of Ecto Cooler and Jolt Cola but they come in cans..and ya know how I feel about those. Might as well be homeless for fucks sake!! So this mug is perfect for me pour the Jolt in and to rock my wife beater around the house, get all juiced and jazzed up, and punch holes in the wall like a real man.

There is also this deck of cards that I will be keeping. I was going to bring em to Steem Fest but I hear that @anomadsoul is pretty good at Hold Em, and I don’t want him to run my pockets so I’ll just stick to my initial plan of staring contests.

I believe the rest of the items here I will be redistributing through contests in the near future. This consists of a mousepad, a notebook, a pad, luggage tag, magnet, and coasters. All super cool but I just don’t have the need for these so hopefully they will find a good home and I can add some cool items myself. Anyone want some pics of my ex?!?

All in all, a super cool bundle that I’m really appreciative for. Thanks again @tecnosgirl. Peep out her content. Maybe you can be super cool and runner up in her best human ever contest...

I NOMINATE @skullangs & @phoenix32 for @comedyopenmic