At Least She Thinks I’m Funny! - Comedy Open Mic Round 21

I’ve been following @comedyopenmic for quite awhile now and I’m impressed with all of you! Not one has sucked - And I’ve read a lot! My wife @puravidaville thought it was a good idea to nominate me for this week’s 21st round of #comedyopenmic contest. I bet she won’t do that again Happy Monday ya’all!

She’s Summa Cum Laude, a term I was unfamiliar with before we met. For all of you like-minded geniuses who don’t know what Summa Cum Laude means: It’s because you’ve never had a 3.9865 GPA. Three point nine eight six five G.P.A - Dang! Remember when you graduated College/High School and ONE student wore the gold tassel around their neck? Not the white tassel which is like three point something not worth mentioning, the gold tassel - That’s my wife! Now I know what Summa Cum Laude means - Smart. Brainiac smart! Ivy League / MIT stuff:

It’s A Good Thing She Thinks I’m Funny!

4.0 GPA at a National University is amazing, ANY university, amazing, congratulations all of you Einstein brain having, gifted mother you know what’ers! Do something useful with that dome on your shoulders would ya and go develop us a Blockchain drug test that recognizes weed for what it really is:
Seed Bearing Plant.

Wait.... What was I just talking about?

I’m thirsty.

Hey and where’s the weed?!

Peanut butter cookies and fries.

Question: How do you know when you’ve smoked enough?
Answer: You forgot what you were doing while in the middle of looking for your weed.

Alright, seriously, where is it?? This apartment is not that big:

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@carklevicci, I saw your nomination too, thank you, I’m flattered. Maybe I’ll do another one about the night I drove all the way up to shoot some pool with you and Graygor and your face was too heavy to lift from the dining room floor. You pulled an all-nighter with Lynn aka linoleum - And that’s nothing compared to the part about how you got there! Careful what you wish for.

Wait.... Where was I? What was I just typing about?

Oh ya, Summa! This is probably a horrible idea - I’ll find out after I post this if I should’ve scratched it or not.
It’s a good thing she thinks I’m funny!

Dear @puravidaville:

The luckiest guy I know has four years worth of “Summa Moments.” Just sayin. Careful what you wish for!

My wife is a 10! Not a 9, not a 9.5 :can I get a pair of air quotes please: “My wife is a TEN!” I wrote a post about her awhile back for those of you who think I’m typing out of my pinky’s. So when she looked at me and brushed her silky, long blonde hair away from those thick eye lashes combed perfectly to protect her beautiful, bright blue eyes and moved her perfect set of soft, luscious lips just enough to allow the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard speak to me with that 3.9865 GPA National University education and asked: “What’s it called when I car fires back?”

:brakes screeching: Uhm what? Are you serious?

“Ya! You know, when it makes a loud firing sound from the back of the car, it ‘fires back,’ what’s that called?” I attempted to contain my laughter - I failed to contain my laughter. She asked me what was so funny. “Um, just uhh.. Ya, ok. Wth University did you say you went to again?!”

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Speaking of Backfire, should I do another one? Whad’ya think, one more Summa Moment? I’m sensing a strong connection in my future, I can feel it. It’s a right upper-cut when I’m none the wiser. A soft skin having, feet rubbing, like a glove holding, perfect food preparing, right fist to the kisser.
:ugh:
Alright! One more:

Ka’pow!

We’d been dating for a few months and she had only met a couple of my friends. She was nervous about meeting them even though I tried explaining to her how cool everyone is. I took her to the neighborhood I grew up in. The first stop was Rondawg’s place. Me and Rondawg - Way back, grade school dirt bike days way back. I love that dude to death! Another friend of mine was there too, Kelvim, perfect! Two birds with one stone. Speaking of stone.. Where In the heck is that bag?!

I introduced her to Kelvim and Rondawg, everyone said hi, they’re really good people but I could tell she was still a little nervous so I intentionally did most of the talking so she didn’t feel awkward. That changed as soon as she realized how comfortable it is to be around Rondawg. We were all gathered around the rolling table on the back patio just talking and.... ‘Rolling,’ that reminds me!!

Where in this frikkin apartment could it be?! I have not forgotten what I’m looking for and I remember that I can not find it:

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Before Rondawg begins telling us about his chihuahua, I boasted a little bit about this beautiful young woman sitting next to me that I can’t seem to keep my eyes and attention away from. Just enough to embarrass my (now) wife, I dropped the Summa wOrd. When I drop “Summa,” I don’t just stop there, I elaborate! I proceed to brag about my wife’s GPA: “It means 3.9865.” She’s embarrassed - I’m mesmerized - Continue on Rondawg.

He said he just finished tearing out the carpet in his daughters’ bedroom. He’s telling all three of us about the pile of chihuahua poop he found under her bed. He held his hands about a foot apart from eachother to show us an ‘air-size’ five gallon bucket and said “Dude!” (Rondawg say’s ‘dude’ more than anyone you know!) “Dude you see dude how tiny that dog is dude?!” As the cigarette dangling from his lips ashed onto his bbq sauce stained white t-shirt, he told us “Dude I don’t know dude how long she’s been pooping under Katie’s bed dude but it filled up an entire five gallon bucket!” I instantly developed a mental picture - What a mess! With a disgusted look on my face, I thought ‘someone needs to take that dog to poop school.’

:enter Summa: Sitting in a chair on the back patio, the cool desert breeze danced alongside her Di Fiaba scented, flowing long blonde hair causing it to land elegantly across her shoulders. She had a concerned look on her face and I heard the sound of her beautiful voice. She looked Rondawg square in his eyes with the utmost curiosity, shrugged both of her shoulders signaling she’s confused and asked:
“How’d you get’er to poop in a bucket?”

I failed to contain my laughter again. “Um, just uhh.. Ya, ok. Wth University did you say you went to again?!”

Oh, and by the way, you’ll never guess where I found it.

Thank you @comedyopenmic for the opportunity and thank you for the nomination @puravidaville - iheartu all the time. As noted in the rules I must nominate two people to make us laugh. No problem! Everybody on your feet and put your hands together - Let’s have a big round of applause for:

@foxyspirit (I look forward to reading humor from such a talented writer)

@sivehead (Can I request another request and request that you request @jlsplatts for one of your requests or did I request too many requests?)

cheering/clapping/whistling