You Know What I Mean By that, Right? Comedy Open Mic - Round 37
I landed at LAX airport and called for an Uber. A few years ago we couldn’t do that, ride-sharing apps were still banned from airports in America. The taxicab companies had public transportation monopolized for several decades, as they began attracting competition from start-ups like Uber and Lyft, they leaned heavily on the S word — safety. Cab companies insisted for a few years that ride-sharing is dangerous and unsafe when, in reality, some of the most dangerous vehicles I’ve ever been in said ‘taxi’ or ‘cab’ or both on the door! The only thing worse than being strapped to the back seat of a vehicle operated by an irate man who’s mustache and eyebrows are one and the same and he’s beating the steering wheel with his fist is being strapped to the back seat of a vehicle operated by an irate man who’s mustache and eyebrows are one and the same and he’s beating the steering wheel with his fist while screaming profusely at everyone in a language you don’t understand! Everyone. You don’t have to speak the language to know this dude is pissed!! What I used to have to do is hop on a hotel shuttle and lie to the driver when they asked me what hotel I’m staying at. “Marriott, please.” The shuttle would drop me off at the Marriott and then I could call Uber. Not anymore.
As I was saying, before I interrupted me with that taxi tangent, my Uber driver picked me up at LAX. She was a smokin’ hot little thing, I’m a sucker for blondes and tattoos. She told me she’s a senior at USC and she drives for Uber on the weekends to make extra money. Her car was a filthy mess, borderline vile, just enough room on her likely toxic floorboard for my feet, just like the majority of female’s cars I’ve ever been in so at least she’s normal — well, you know what I mean by that, right? 😉 I asked her what she’s studying. “Mathematics and criminal justice,” she said, “FBI. Anti-terrorism.” Wow! That’s impressive! I’d only be in her car for about 20 minutes but ‘mathematics and criminal justice with a hot, tattooed chick?!’ I’m in! That all changed when I asked her what she thought about Ted Kaczynski and the look of confusion that came over her suggested she’s never heard of the guy.
“You know, the Unibomber, he was a mathematician prodigy right up the street at Cal Berkeley, California who mailed out all of those letters that killed people?” She’s never heard of him. The young Uber driver studying mathematics and criminal justice in an effort to combat terrorism for the FBI has never heard of the terrorist who, just 20 years ago, was #1 on the FBI’s most wanted list — it just doesn’t make sense! You know what I mean by that, right? Well, that wasn’t as bad as the billboard!
Still being driven by the young aspiring FBI agent and senior at prestigious USC studying mathematics and criminal justice, I saw a billboard on the freeway advertising AstroTurf. Just to clear the air; we’re still in Los Angeles, California, even the smog is skunky here. There’s an AstroTurf billboard on the side of the freeway that says “Our Grass Is Legal In All 50 States.” It didn’t have a weed leaf on it or a prop 420 logo on it, nothing like that. The billboard is undeniably, undoubtedly an advertisement for AstroTurf and whoever designed it was clever with a good sense of humor.
I laughed, “that’s funny, ‘legal in all 50 states,’ good one!” That cute little, body spray scented, blonde haired, tattooed, USC educated driver of an unsanitary vehicle who, at that very moment, literally had my life in her hands, through her innocent and confused, squeaky voice asked me:
“Did AstroTurf used to be illegal in some states?”
🤔 :brraaakes: ‘uhm... what? Really? Hey, do you really go to USC?!’ It just doesn’t make sense! You know what I mean by that, right?
Like joggers who run in place at the crosswalk — it just doesn’t make sense! I understand a little extra movement, I guess, but to run in place at a crosswalk as though preparing for the ‘walk’ sign to illuminate like a gun shot and you’re Usain Bolt just doesn’t make sense.
Or lesbians that use strap-on’s?! ‘Uhm... I thought I read somewhere you hated those things?’ It doesn’t make sense, in fact, the only thing that makes sense about a strap-on is when you spell it backwards. N. O. I’ll let you finish the rest.
That was your first time spelling it backwards wasn’t it? It’s like race car only different. R. A.
Like changing your shirt to ride your Harley — it doesn’t make sense. Eh!! :attention: the long sleeve shirt you had on, the one that said “DeWalt” was fine. What’s so cool about an Iron Cross that says ‘born to be wild’ anyway? You know what I mean by that, right? It just doesn’t make sense.
Like getting out of the shower and, in the middle of drying off, you begin talking yourself out of getting back in the shower because you’ve just been made aware you’re about to experience a post shower turd. “Well, hello to you, too, Mother Nature!” There’s no point in trying to talk yourself out of it when it comes to a post shower turd, they’re horrible and the timing sucks, everyone knows this!! Don’t even bother to finish drying off, it doesn’t make sense! Have a seat, take your time, do what nature’s insisting you do and hop back in that shower upon completion — at least the water won’t take long to get hot.
But something that doesn’t make sense isn’t the same as something that’s awkward. Big difference actually. Feeling awkward is uncomfortable, it’s a complicated emotion to embrace, it’s... well, awkward! It’s a moment you’d rather just hurried itself up and was finished, something you could’ve lived the remainder of your life having never known — awkward. You know what I mean by that, right?
So I’m in the dentist chair with both the dentist and her lovely assistant and they’re about to do some work on me. It isn’t too terrible. What happened was, as a kid, one of my front teeth got a little chip in it. Over time, the crown will lose its color so every five years or so, I get it replaced. Ok, now you know I like my teeth, that was a freebie, I didn’t anticipate releasing that information. And besides, who doesn’t love the sound of a good high frequency electric drill inside their head? So, I’m in the chair and the dentist needs to observe the motion between my bottom teeth and my top teeth before she can do her job. I can’t remember how she asked but what she wanted me to do was move my teeth side to side so she could see how my bottom teeth glide passed my top teeth. I didn’t know what she was asking, either that or she wasn’t being clear, I thought she wanted me to bite down or open wide or stick my tongue out and cough or anything other than move my jaw side to side. I didn’t understand, you know what I mean by that, right?
Now that I’m doing everything with my mouth other than move my teeth side to side, the dentist is telling me to do “this” with your jaw, “no, not like that, like this.” Then her assistant, a woman in her late 20’s or early 30’s, wearing a mint green smock with pink and white flowers on it looked at me through the orange safety glasses she’s wearing to prevent her eyes from being splashed with water. She pulled down her surgical mask exposing her red lipstick, painted lips and perfectly white, sparkly teeth so I could see the movement of her mouth when she looked me in the eye and said:
“Your lower jaw.”
🤔 :brraaakes: ‘uhm... what? Really?? Hey, doc, do you think it’s a good idea for her to be anywhere near my mouth??’
I’m well aware the only jaw on my whole entire face that moves is the lower one but thanks for the heads up, lady! “Awkward.”
You know what I mean by that, right? Like hanging out with about 10 of your buddies and you’re talking about hot chicks, money, the past, you know? The same things you always talk about with your buddies. You ask them something like ‘if you could be with anyone right now, any girl in the world, famous, not famous, it doesn’t matter, you only get one choice, any girl you want — who is it??’ And in unison, all 10 of them respond with: “Your Girl!” ‘Eh.. Hu? Wh-what?’ Yeah, that’s what I mean by awkward.
Or defending myself when my buddy’s multi-millionaire dad is showing off his brand new Tesla and felt inclined to mention: “I put down 30% cash.” Hey, El douche-0, the douchiest douchebag dad I’ve ever met, don’t judge my mouth when it instinctually responded “it’s just a fancy Prius.” Well, #steemit, I bet you didn’t know this! He could’ve bought a Prius outright with that 30% down payment, oh yeah, he told me! Awkward.
Like hanging out with your buddy and you’re right in the middle of talking about something when his wife calls and he stops your conversation — “hold up!” Absolutely, talk to your wife, that’s not the awkward part. And then he begins negotiating the color of a bedskirt. You know you heard him clearly when he told her “burgundy, really? It’s your call but last night we agreed sea foam green matches the throw pillows.” That’s awkward.
Or when you’re in the gym and there’s only three of you in there, it’s a small gym with just enough room to train. It’s you, the steroid guy who still bleaches the tips of his hair — his hatchback sounds like a crotch rocket with a bad exhaust leak. Yeah, him. It’s just you, him, and the girl who wears the smallest booty shorts ever in the gym. Yeah, her. She’s half naked, doing her best to distract you, you’re doing your best not to pay attention to either of them and Ka’pow! You’re engulfed in an overwhelming rancid essence of capital Fart! A thick and unavoidable, dense, protein-packed excretion — the kind that’ll fog up a good pair of eyeglasses. Either the coolest bleached hair guy I’ve ever seen or the smokin hot chick just blew the place up and cut my work out short like “screw it! I’ll wash my hands at the house.” That’s awkward!
Like nominating two people who won’t cheese out on the nomination and instead will actually post a #comedyopenmic piece. You know what I mean by that, right?
Thanks a lot for having me @comedyopenmic, @com-judge and you, reading this right now, thank you! I appreciate it! Come join us on discord, it’s pretty cool over there. It even works when #steemit doesn’t.
@ammonite — Sculpt some #funny for us!
@nickyhavey — Mix some #comedy for us!
Here’s a copy of the #contest rules in case you’re doing something weird like not following @comedyopenmic.
(Not this time @sivehead but I did dedicate an entire #tag to you)
Hi dandays,
Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)
Judges:
If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here
Thank you to @matytan for the great banner
Well it’s nice to see you again too!
Nah... Have no idea what you mean...🙃 can you try explaining a bit more? lol! It was quite a hilarious read.
The "criminal hottie" oh,whats the course again? Something with crimes anyways .. Hers sure is hilarious. I mean, how on earth can she not know such things, she is supposed to be a somewhat into "criminal related stuff, right?" Hahahah! Well, the ride wasn't that bad, was it?😉
I gotta go learn how to move my teeth just incase....😀😀😂
Well, hello msbits? Could you imagine how that would’ve read had autocorrect took over? It would’ve been horrible, maybe I should’ve just said ‘Audrey,’ you know what I mean by that, right? 😉
Thanks for stopping by @audreybits, it’s always a pleasure to hear from you. Trying to make you guys laugh without knowing whether or not you’re actually laughing is nerve wrecking! Thanks for letting me know you got a laugh out of it. Happy hump day!
Crazy auto correct! Lol! It's in situations like this that we would say "better safe than sorry". Oh, well! Autocorrect didn't do its nasty stuff. Lol!
You are great with comedy, if it makes you laugh, it sure will make someone laugh!
Well your president got to the top without a minimum certificate.
🤣🤣 come on, Branches!!🙃 Now you are rubbing that
on my facein my eyes?? Ouch, it hurts!!! Lol! Well, funny thing is that it's the guys with "more than the minimum" that gave him the opportunity... Well, it seems like he has gotten one to use for next time... Lol!...🤣🤣Lol
Thank you for a clear explanation of 'it doesn't make sense' and 'awkward'. I must say that your post was both :D :D :D Oh boy! You made me laugh :D I especially enjoyed three parts - taxi, dentist and gym :D
And getting curie votes in the family at the same time?! :D Did you have to bribe someone? :D
Good morning! Sorry I haven’t responded, that family person you were talking about and I have been in Las Vegas since Monday.
Thanks for dropping me a line, I’m so glad you liked it! So glad, as in, “whew!”
But thanks even more for noticing Pura Vida and I both caught trails at the same time. That’s cool you noticed. That’s the first time we’ve done that. We’ve had em hit in the same week but never had the same post on the same day. It was exciting to see that.
Thanks for stopping by @delishtreats!
Not a problem. I'm also not very responsive from time to time so I can understand that other people are busy too.
I hope you are having fun!
Cheers to many more curie votes to come!
Funny stuff start to finish. No I have never spelled strap-on backwards. That cracked me up.😁😁😁. For those who are fortunate enough to have the money hurdle far behind them, and then stick in the faces of others is revolting. If his agenda was to impress others with his money and the GREEN Theme, he should have handed you the keys and told you the car was yours, it needs a charge, you can pull it into the 8 bay garage, in between the Rolls Royce and the Bently. And be careful not to hit the other cars when backing up. That would have put a different spin on his bravado.
Hey, I sure am glad you made it back by here again, thanks a lot for keeping an eye on me, it means a lot!
I’m glad you liked it, I’m probably repeating myself so bare with me, I’ve said this so many times: Comedy pieces are the toughest! Man I’m a nervous mess before I post them, I don’t know if I should be admitting this or not but I swear, get clammy, the whole 9 whole I’m transferring a comedy piece from my notepad to #steemit.
Trying to make someone laugh is one thing but not knowing is what makes me so nervous. Because by the time you read it, I’ve been editing, pasting, rearranging literally for days and the jokes aren’t funny to me anymore.
What I’m trying to say is thanks a lot for letting me know you laughed! And thanks for stopping by @thebigsweed, it’s always a pleasure to chat with you.
With most pieces of work, we become very critical especially when shooting for perfection. Perfection takes on a lot of second guessing, specifically when the art piece is for others. Creating a composition, to produce through imaginative skill, laughter, is art. I know when I am working on a project, by the time I am done there is more doubt than before I started, but when I walk away for a period of time it refreshes me. When I return to the piece it always looks better after I have stopped sweating every little detail and can stand back and enjoy the piece in its entirety.
Great job.
I had to Google the name of the most wanted to get the joke and catch up. Not from the same country to get the joke quickly. :P
Your humor has gotten better since your previous curie vote and that's great news. Glad you're more confident about telling comedy now.
From the Philippines and not knowing who Ted Kaczynski is - totally understandable! Being from America, studying criminal justice and all of that, I just figured she would’ve known?? Silly me, I guess.
You like this comedy post better than this one? So long as you like any of them, I’ll take it! I just saw your latest art piece, amazing!
Thanks for stopping by @adamada!
You had to mine that old post again? haha, I appreciate the effort linking that back. And yes, I like this one better than your previous post. Not only did it got me to research and get the joke, I learned who Ted is. Must be trying to impress you about her study on criminal justice.
Thank you for your complements too, I appreciate it :D
GO call a taxi.
Right now. I don't care about his gibbering in Arabic, or his cherry B.O
Hey, at least you won't need to change your shirt to hop on your Harley ;)
That’s a great clip. Have you seen any episodes of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee hosted by Jerry Seinfield? Oh man, that’s a great series. But ya, add the BO to irate man with one and the same facial hair beating the steering wheel and screaming profusely... “that’s the guy!”
As for the Harley, I just got a tribal band tattoo and a barbed wire band so I tore off my sleeves completely. You know what I mean by that, right?
Hey thanks a lot for stopping by @hyperbole, I’m glad you liked the piece.
Eh, I prefer the classic standup, or perhaps just a bit of "Seinfeld" itself. Still, the show's not bad. It's just Jerry being Jerry, doing absolutely nothing and making it somehow entertaining.
And I keep on planning on learning to ride/getting a Harley of some sort myself, though that's probably never going to actually end up happening.
And of course I liked the piece, I rather like your style. Now I'll leave before you realize I'm just buttering you up so you'll taste all nice and buttery when I go slaughter you and eat you later.
I mean... nothing?
After reading this I promptly clicked the author's follow button!
Hey well I promptly clicked the Upvote button and I’m even faster at saying thanks a lot! I really appreciate the confidence, that must mean you liked this piece, ill promptly thank you for that too.
But for real. Comedy pieces are the most difficult for me to do, making people laugh is tough enough as it is but adding the factor of not knowing if they’re laughing or not intensifies the challenge. Thanks a lot for laughing, anything else would’ve pretty much sucked.
Thanks a lot for stopping by @devann! It’s nice to have you around.
Just what the doctor ordered, a laugh a minute.... or was it the dentist and a big giggly smile. As long as your 'bottom' jew is wobbly and you drive a Prius, who cares 😂
Great work again @dandays. I see @curie thought so too... congrats man!
Your typos have always been so spot on. The combination of your jokes and typos set you apart from everyone else.
I’ve actually meant to ask you a couple of times if you intentionally misspell words but out of fear it’s not you that’s doing it and it’s actually your phone, I’m not concerned it’s the response. Just keep making me laugh.
I’m glad you liked @sivehead, thanks a lot for stopping by my favorite UK, mutual following, food fight wanna be chef!
A magician never reveals his secrets young grasshopper!
Hey are there any no-parts around here? & thats a really badass Prius! Is that the one Ted Kaczynski use to own? 😅
All jokes aside, though, check out that Prius! Whoever made the bumper sticker that says “Prius’s are dope, said no one ever” hasn’t seen the burnt orange one in this article.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read through the whole thing @weirdheadaches, thanks a lot for stopping by, I appreciate it.
Dude, while I’m still here and, in a mood to talk about myself, I swear I’m not a weirdo. As I read my article back it looks like I have a unibomber infatuation when really I just know who he is and where he went to school, I got the rest of the info from DuckDuckGo. That said... Shouldn’t any aspiring FBI agent who’s specifically interested in anti-terrorism know ‘at least’ that much?
You know what I mean by that, right?
Hah yup yup.
Whhhaaaaatttt?! It’s like a dresser and a bonfire all wrapped up in one safety-oriented bumper. Nice!
At least they didn’t throw away the Toyota emblem.
Lmao 😂
Hi dandays,
Visit curiesteem.com or join the Curie Discord community to learn more.
Ahh yeaah! Got a visit from the kind people over at @curie! Thanks a lot you guys, I’ll never get tired of seeing you.