Tight Asses, Gotta Love 'Em (Comedy Open Mic #18)

I'm not a comedy writer by any means, but when I saw that my friends @beeyou wrote "Small Nipples are Sweet & Delicious" and @abh12345 wrote "Putin reveals balls used in World Cup draw", then I figured I could do that too!

After all, small sweet and delicious nipples and Putin's hot balls were funny, so why not venture into something that is near and dear to a large segment of the population, tight asses?

Now I know what you are thinking, that this isn't a discussion I normally have in my feed, but let me assure you that I am not talking about asses like Kim Kardashian's famous ass.

That's not tight by a long shot.

And while many of you have jumped to read this post to see the clickbait, its not even going to appeal to the famous Seinfeld character Cosmo Cramer, aka the Ass Man.

Because its not about those kinda asses either.

Are you now thinking: "what is he talking about then"? Could it be he's somehow going to make a post about donkeys?

After all they are asses too!

No, it isn't a post about tight bodies or even donkeys, this post is about tight asses with money. I know, I know, it isn't a sexy subject... but you gotta love these people when you think about it.

Find A Penny, Pick It Up. The Rest Of The Day You Will Have Good Luck

First if it wasn't for tight asses picking up those pennies, we wouldn't have such cool sayings. And also you should consider the great service these people do for the environment. Just imagine how much copper, aluminum, and zinc would be littering our roads, parking lots, and sidewalks if we didn't have tight asses picking up all that change.

Under-Tipping Makes Servers More Productive For Society

Imagine if everyone gave 15% or more. All the waiters, bartenders, and servers of all kinds would make a decent wage on an 8 hour schedule. But thanks to tight asses, these people must work extra hours or even get another job so that they can actually pay the bills for their families. This makes society more productive and increases the amount of labor that we get from this working class. So the next time you see a tight ass leaving a small tip, give them a big pat on the back and thank them for growing our economy.

Don't Give Unto Others, Keep It For Yourself

While this isn't what we are told when growing up, obviously there must be something to this slogan from the tight ass playbook. After all, why help others to grow when you can help yourself? Why make others feel good, when you can gorge yourself with your own riches and power? By keeping everything for themselves, the tight asses are setting great role models that our young can emulate. The message is clear, we too can grow up to be rich and powerful, and well.... tight asses!

Tight Asses, Gotta Love 'Em

This is an entry into the Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest - Round 18. I'm not sure of the rules, but think I followed them to the best of my abilities.

ps... after tight asses I might write about dumb asses since I know more about that!

I nominate @cryptkeeper17 and @headchange to join the fun. And if they win I will give them the Dancing Baby Award for the month.

Content rules
Comedy Open Mic Round # 18

pole vault image Kim's K's image Ass Man image Donkey Image Penny Pickup Image Tip Image selfish image