The Craving - A Parenthood Story (Comedy Open Mic Round # 31)steemCreated with Sketch.

It had been 17 days since I’d gotten a full night's sleep.

No, 18 days.

Nope, 17 was right. Math is difficult right now. The prior day, my wife had asked me to do two things while she was gone on an errand. Three minutes later, I had forgotten what they were. On her way out the door, I asked her to remind me what the two things were. She offered to write me a list. I gratefully accepted her assistance.

My brain was in a fog. It still is. But the clouds were becoming particularly thick. The books and advice columns for new parents stress the importance of doing something for you. According to my wife, binge drinking was not an acceptable activity, so I needed to find something else. I did not have to spend a long time brainstorming. And once the thought entered my mind, it wouldn’t leave.

I have had a lifelong love affair with cinnamon rolls. It is a sordid and shameful and closely guarded secret, but it is true that I will do horrible and disgusting things both for and to a cinnamon roll. In my many trysts over the years, I have found that one place and one place alone offers the quality of cinnamon roll that will slake my thirst. No bakery, grocery store, or Pillsbury creation comes close to the glory that is a Cinnabon cinnamon roll. This would be my indulgence.

It had been three years since I last consumed this confection of perfection. The closest store is nearly an hour away. They are expensive. And just like women, they will kill you. For all these reasons and more, I had remained celibate for three long years. Inferior approximations had passed my lips in that time, but nothing that even remotely measured up to the gooey bliss of my obsession.

My wife and I made a plan for how I would satisfy my deepest craving. We would pack up our family and make the pilgrimage to the nearest shop, located in a suburban mall many towns over.

The night before, my dreams were filled with visions of icing and swirls. Then they were interrupted by the cries of a newborn. As I drifted back to sleep, images of brown pastries populated my mind. This cycle repeated itself for what seemed like days, but finally the sun rose and my toddler forced me out of bed with his own screams. I went to fetch him and bring him into bed with us. I could regularly squeeze in an extra half-hour of sleep by letting him watch TV while I dozed. I tried my ploy again and rolled over for a few more minutes of unconscious solitude. It was not to be. He decided he was hungry, and insisted on breakfast immediately. I had no choice but to oblige.

Three bites into his meal, he decided he was done. Oh no sir, you will eat at least half of this food. I didn’t drag myself down the stairs to watch you eat seven Cheerios and a spoonful of yogurt. Thus we struggled, a clash of wills. In the end, he won out. There is only so long you can let dairy sit at room temperature.

Our plans for departure were further delayed by the cries of the infant. According to her alerts, she was experiencing a life-threatening hunger of her own. This prevented us from progressing in the loading up of the vehicle. When she was finally asleep once again, the toddler decided that now he was hungry. I presented the tenth-eaten meal from earlier, and he progressed to three-quarters before once again declaring his satisfaction.

We were finally ready. It was now nearly noon, and we began the long and arduous process of loading up the car for only the second time as a family since we had returned from the hospital. Before long, we were on our way.

We arrived at the gigantic building and I sought a parking spot. We had agreed that it would be best if I went in alone. Fewer opportunities for the little ones to catch diseases. Zero chance of an inopportunely timed explosive bowel movement. And neither one of us would have to wrangle the toddler. I exited the vehicle alone and walked toward the towering mass of concrete and glass.

I opened the door to the mecca of consumerism and stepped inside. My nostrils were instantly greeted by a familiar aroma: the scent of literally every single mall in America. You know the smell — a doughy sweetness with a hint of cinnamon. I think it comes from the pretzel shops. But then again, I’ve been in malls that did not have a pretzel shop and yet still managed to smell like this, so explain that one to me.

The aroma only increased my desire to procure the object of my quest, and I marched briskly down the tiled promenade. The finest stores that capitalism has to offer flanked me on both sides. Titans like Macy’s beckoned in their dedicated alcoves, attempting to lure me inside with the same perpetual sale. But I was undeterred. I was here for one thing and one thing only.

Also, my wife was still in the car with the kids and I don’t think she would have appreciated me returning an hour later with a new dress shirt, toaster oven, and vial of Drakkar Noir.

I passed a GNC. General Nutrition Center? No sir, thought I. Today, we're doing the opposite.

I passed a Subway. Eat Fresh? Oh you bet your sweet sugar-coated buns I’m gonna eat fresh.

I passed a LEGO store. I stopped dead in my tracks. I gazed longingly into the interior of the toy shop. Channeling immense discipline, I tore myself away and continued on my journey. I made a promise to myself to spend no less than an hour on their website later that evening as a reward for my self-control.

I was walking more briskly than almost everyone around me. I had to dodge senior citizens and young families alike. You fools! If you had left your spawn out in your vehicle like I had, you would be able to navigate this labyrinth as quickly as I.

I consulted my phone for directions. The pin that had dropped was just to the right of me, but alas, there was no Cinnabon there! I experienced a moment of panic. What if it had closed?! No, more likely was that the interior location within the mall was simply not accurately depicted on the screen. I pressed forward through the throng of consumers, scanning facades left and right for the distinctive logo.

As I rounded the next turn in the corridor, my heart leapt. There it was. The altar of baked bliss stood before me, and I approach with a renewed sense of purpose in my life.

I looked into the display case. Under the warm glow of the lights sat dozens of delicious morsels, waiting for me to exchange my hard-earned currency for the privilege of freeing one from its metal pan home. I completed the tawdry transaction as quickly as I could and clutched my reward to my chest. It would only be a matter of time before I could enjoy the succulent treat. Home was less than an hour away.

Thus we returned, our prize placed securely on my wife’s lap. Upon entering our domicile, we quickly came to terms with the debt we had accrued over the past couple hours: two dirty diapers and two tiny yet ravenous humans. We set to work zeroing out our balance as the cinnamon rolls languished on the counter, mocking me.

At last, it was time. I placed the roll in the microwave. Electromagnetic radiation excited the molecules in the icing which began to bubble in a manner representative of my own ecstatic anticipation. I poured a fresh cup of coffee. I retrieved my warmed treat and sat down to enjoy it. I took a first bite and was transported through space and time. My soul momentarily departed my body for a quick trip to nirvana. My eyes rolled back in my head. I think I may have made a noise typically reserved for the bedroom.

It was exactly how I had remembered it. It was glorious.

A few bites later, my toddler noticed that he no longer had my undivided attention. He approached with intent clear on his face that he would regain his place at the forefront of my focus. I tried to reason with him, to explain that I was eating. He altered his request: he would be content if I would simply pick him up and place him on my lap. I decided to oblige.

As he settled into my lap and I settled back into my zen-like eating trance, the magnificent aromas of the cinnamon roll were now mingled with a far less savory smell. It was the unmistakable odor of toddler poop.

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This was my entry for Round 31 of the Comedy Open Mic contest. I nominate @disc-jitsu87 and @yintercept because PIFC :P

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@DollarsAndSense is a father, veteran, participant in the rat race, freelance writer, and volunteer EMT. He also tries to be funny sometimes. Hey, want to play Cards Against Humanity on Steemit?

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Unless otherwise noted, all text and pictures in this post are my own and may not be reused without my permission.
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I cannot stop smiling when i read your post especially with your selfie. I am not a parent, but after read your post. I can feel you :) hmm, took care of toddler while craving of Cinnabon cinnamon roll (this made me smile) and all the experience just to get your cinnamon roll. Your cinnamon picture look great. It rewarded with all your hardwork. You write very well, it funny and attract our attention to finish your story.

I made a promise to myself to spend no less than an hour on their website later that evening as a reward for my self-control.

What a way of self control :)

I enjoyed your post very much!!

Glad you enjoyed! And glad you thought the selfie was a nice touch - I couldn't decide if it was terrifying or if it fit the story :P

It really fit the story. It nice tho.. have that picture in your post and it very comedy. Good choice. :)

OOps!! So funny!! Now I wonder if I really wanna be a Mum someday, I mean, I love kids, they are adorable, I love holding them and playing with them but then, the ones I have held aren't mine and they never stay for far too long with me (less than an hour).

So much sacrifice (lol). But I guess it is more of a Satisfying sacrifice? Well, I am sure the joy that comes with parenting surpasses the inconvenience, yeah?

What a journey you embarked on to get those rolls! Congrats on resisting those "temptations", you really do have self-control. Hahahah! Next time, you may wanna make your toddler sleep before you delve into the "cinnamon rolls" world, (that's if you can wait) lol. We could avoid some things from happening that way. Don't you think?

You know, there are some cravings that get worse as you feed them, hope this isn't one of them? And oh! The cinnamon rolls looks really delicious!

Haha, well I have a second one in the freezer just in case, so I’ll be able to get my fix much easier next time, but after that.... yeah let’s hope this doesn’t end with me passed out in an alley somewhere with cinnamon and sugar all over my face.

Kids really are great, I love mine to pieces, it’s just fun to make a big deal about some of the sacrifices you have to make sometimes. They are definitely not for everyone, but I wouldn’t sweat it if your not comfortable with holding other people’s kids; I know I never was either!

But yes, they are definitely worth it, even if they ruin my Cinnabon experience 😉

Thanks for the lovely comment and for stopping by!

Hahahah! Hopefully someone finds you there (maybe your wife) and takes a photo of you with the cinnamon and sugar all over your face. It will do for a good laugh! Hahahah!!

Yeah, they are! I would really love to have those little ones around me someday. Those little sacrifces will sure be woth it. I mean, that's what we do for love, right?

Lol. Someday, you will get to revisit that experience again, maybe with no distubance.. Hahahah

My pleasure!

Indeed it is! My metric of a good life: have someone show you that love and then be able to give it to someone else one day.

That's a really good metric! The good life is really all about showing and receiving love. Without love, life loses its pleasant taste. Love, they say. makes the world go round.

Hey, @dollarandsense.

I'm glad you were able to get your cinnamon roll and at least savor it for a few moments.

It's amazing how much young ones can take out of you, and how the simplest of pleasures can be so amazingly sweet.

it's also easy to think that you will never be able to be yourself again, instead of Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! all of the time. I am here to give you encouragement that it does eventually happen. It's just a matter of enjoying every moment now, because they grow up fast.

Probably not telling you anything you don't know. At any rate, congratulations on the cinnamon roll and the curie. Well done. :)

Thank you, truly appreciate the comment. Sometimes my patience is worn down pretty far, but I do always try to remember that there are no guarantees in life and that even best case scenario, he’ll be grown one day and independent. I try and give as much as I can in the meantime.

But yeah, that nonstop call gets exhausting 😅

Thanks again for your comment!

Hahahahahaha this is funny, even the first photo was funny! Now I can tell why @blanchy curated this post! You are such an amazing writer with great wits. So sorry for the 17 non-full night sleeps and I'm so glad you got the cinnamon roll along with all the dramas that made it even more precious. I too survived on sugar high when my son was awake almost hourly in the night until he weaned off breastfeeding. I am not sure how it will be like where there's two. Lol. This is so curie -worthy and I'm so glad you got it :)

Aww, thank you very much! Up to 24 nights now ;)

My wife makes the best cinnamon rolls I have ever had, but I have never tried Cinnabon.

You're a lucky man! My main complaint with other rolls is that they are too dry. I could see how baking them from scratch could really avoid this. Maybe I'll have to look up a recipe! (or you can post your wife's??? :D) Make it a full-blown food post and make some sweet internet money off it :P

We'll give it a shot this weekend. Maybe do a video. Woo Hoo!

We'll give it a shot
This weekend. Maybe do a
Video. Woo Hoo!

                 - profanereviews


I'm a bot. I detect haiku.

Oh I am so there.

Edit: I have just been informed that her recipe is in fact the Cinnabon recipe. It was available on the Google.

hahahaha was a funny story but with a touch of love, I say it because of the cinnamon rolls hahaha everything you wrote was very entertaining, your wife, your children, the cinnamon rolls, all the elements that you put into the story They were accurate, I LOVED your story, A hug @dollarsandsense from Venezuela!!

Thank you, so glad you enjoyed it!

Your post had me laughing and empathizing with you. Loading up to go anywhere with kids takes twice as much time.

I don't know why I find this line funny:

And just like women, they will kill you.

I love the ending as well, I don't know how many times I've had my meals ruined by the smell of toddler poop.

Great post, @dollarsandsense.

Thank you! Glad it made you smile :D I think there are some universal experiences all parents go through, even if the details differ a bit.

My wife liked that line too XD

Thanks again for the kind comment and the encouragement!

If that is a great story if you know how to write everything is perfect I cause a lot of laughter but at the same time I fill my heart.
The structure, the vocabulary, the way in which the story unfolds, the narrative and an exceptional coherence. All that mixes and gives life to this priceless piece, the cinnamon candy XD @ neymarth10

Thank you for the kind comment, I appreciate it! Glad you enjoyed :)

very interesting your post is still so I congratulate you @neymarth10

Awesome story! Aaaah Cinnabons... the ultimate in gooey, sticky sweetness! Now you've got that vision planted in my brain! You know that there's a google search going within seconds!

Hah! Well best of luck to you on your quest! I find that having a "mission" for a mall trip makes it so much more enjoyable. They also sell them in 4-packs, so you can save some money and bring some home to freeze :)

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