Comedy open mic round 21- The story of Ewwwww

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago (edited)

This is the story of young Lithuanian girl named Gisele. However she did not happen to be the beautiful supermodel you see here. Oh no, she was quite possibly the ugliest woman to ever walk the face of the earth. In fact she was so ugly that her parents abandoned her right after she was born. Some folks are described as being hit with the ugly stick, however that is not the case here. No, she must have climbed up the ugly tree and then slipped at the top and hit every damn ugly branch on the way down. We are talking if Sylvester Stalone, Chris Farley, Forest Whitaker and Andre the Giant had a love child with a hair lip and 2 lazy eyes rolling around in her head like a pair of googly eye marbles. She was found along side the road by a band of Gypsies who took her in. They took her in not out of the kindness of their hearts or out of love but more as a way to make money as a side show freak. As she grew up she was so hideous that she thought her name was Ewwww because that what everyone said when they laid eyes on her. At night they would lock her away in her trailer/ cage and she would talk to the boy behind the wall of the next trailer. They had never met only talked back and forth through the thin wall. One night the gypsys forgot to lock the cages and the two teens dicided it was time to take this as their chance to meet finally. In the cover of dark neither one can see each other so they sneak away like a modern day Romeo and Jouliet. Soon they get out of the shadows and the girl notices that the young man is also one of the freaks and that he has a huge humpback. She said why did you never tell me Quasimodo? He looked down and said I didn't want you to think less of me. As she stepped out of the shadows Quasi pulled back in horror. Oh my god Ewwww , Why didn't you tell me? She broke down in tears and Quasi tried to console her while not making eye contact, not that he could if he tried

Never the less their teenage hormones took over and soon they were about to get busy. Quasi stopped and said I just can't , I am sorry but your face. I just can't . Can we put something over it. She shrugged and replied I guess. So Quasi reached over and grabbed a paper bag and put it on her head. But like a big greasy cheeseburger and fries combo it just seeped right through the bag. She tried to help him out by batting it around a bit

It was no use, that thing was as dead, not even an IV of viagra could kick start it.

Ewwwww got up and ran with tears in her eyes and just kept running. She was so upset and she knew what had to be done. She was going to find her parents and punish them for what they had done. She starts to travel the world mainly making money by entering dog shows as a Mexican hairless dog

One day while wondering the streets she was surrounded by a group of women who did not have a good intent in mind. What do you want she asked. We want you dead. You are an abomination and we must wipe you from the earth. Over my dead body said Ewwwww , and they commenced to fighting. She was pretty effective at putting down this group of ladies. A few minutes later and there was only one left awake. Ewwwww demanded answers of why they attacked her. the woman said that they were a secret society didicated to ridding the world uglyness. Ewwww had heard enough and put her down. She cleaned out their pockets and decided to drink her pain away. As she entered the bar she new that she had finally found her dad by the same lazy googly eye same as hers. She barges over and the man glances up and says "Gisele?" She looks back at him the best she can and yells "MY NAME IS EWWWWW!!!!! HOW DO YOU DO?! NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!" As she cracked a beer bottle across his face. The fight went on for quite some time. No one bothered to help because it was just like watching a train wreck. It was horrible to look at but you know you are going to peak. Soon after the brawl spilled out into the street and the police came and tried to break it up but instead pepper sprayed them selves in the eyes to avoid having to see Ewwwww any more. After beating her father badly Ewwwww ran away and ended up on a ferry to somewhere. She had jacked his wallet during the fight because she figured that was the least he could do for cursing her with these awful genetics. While on the ferry she met a nice man who happened to be blind. When he asked her name she remembered the name her father had said right before she introduced him to 12 fluid ounces upside the dome. Gisele, My name is Gisele. Gisele and her man continued on to have many horribly ugly kids. You may know them now by their last name, The English.

This week I will nominate @miti and @art-pd I don't know you all but come visit COM

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This was my mission presented to me by @idikuci as a challenge to write a story fitting this description. Did I do my job or must i go commit Seppuku?

A deranged Lithuanian gypsy who travels the world looking for her father and stumbles upon a secret society that wants to kill her because she's so ugly Quasimodo wouldn't be able to get an erection.

hot chick
fugly ass dog

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Looks like she'd fit right in here


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Lol. That looks like a dating site for Cleveland Browns fans.

Damn Boi!!

hahaha I'd say you fulfilled @idikuci's mission perfectly! I love that you included Forest Whitaker in there and that the police pepper sprayed their own eyes! But "The English" was the perfect icing on the cake...you should have included bad teeth too haha

Good one @doomsdaychassis :)

I am going to be honest the last little bit i was super tired and falling asleep at my computer at luke 1:30 in the morning so i kinda hurried the last little bit. I could have put more zing on the end if i could have concentrated.

Thanks for the honesty @doomsdaychassis, but I still totally enjoyed it ;)

My husband watches all those weird real crime shows on tv, and today it was about a real life gypsy gang, where the girls would seduce and manipulate old men. I kept laughing and Brian's saying, "it's not funny Lynn", but I couldn't adequately explain that I was thinking of your gypsy @doomsdaychassis, and in my mind's eye, she was a real Forest-looking gal 😎

That is pretty damn funny right there. Sadly even I run out of steam once in a while and have to rest. I just wanted to finish it up. Looking back I should have slept on it because I figured out some stuff I wanted to do on the drive into work the next morning that would have been way funnier but it is what it is.

Isn't that the way it works @doomsdaychassis!

Well here's a little fodder for you if you ever decide to write about gypsy's again. The one's I saw were from a gang called the Tene-Bimbo Gypsy Clan (pronounced "teenie"...which makes it even funnier to me). Here's one of their success stories. Can't make this shiza up if you tried :)

Wait wait wait, tiny bimbo clan................... tiny bimbo = little whore? Tiny bimbo sounds like the name of a midget porn.

hahaha teenie bimbo! Yes, that's where my head went too lol Little peeps porn. This is all just wrong :)

If I made midget porn the opening scene would be of someone carrying a suitcase to the hotel room and then opening is and the midget pops out like it is a birthday cake.

Lol. You did execute your mission... Nice one.

Interesting story, sad and funny.
Even many parents throw their children away. It was a very painful event.
Have a good day ......

I was trying to keep it as light hearted as possible while still sticking to the story line.

Yes my friend, i support you....

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