Steem Weekly Horoscope - Comedy Open Mic Round (Lucky) 13

Worried about the future? Concerned about the location of Uranus? Fear not, timid and credulous Steemians, for I will use the secret powers of the Illuminatus Philosophicus to read the stars and foretell* your week ahead!

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

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Your thick neck and luxurious hide make you a prime target for bounty hunters and the starving masses. Avoid minnows, Aries, and poor people until Friday, when Gandalf will ascend into your truffle zone and you resume farting rainbows.

Gemini

May 21 – June 21

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As your astral unicorn oscillates into GI Joe, expect stomach ulcers and pork sweats. Remember to encrypt those memos when you send SBD to your ‘other’ family. Vegetables are the enemy - eat more salt and exercise less.

Cancer

June 22 – July 22

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You might not have anyone, but remember, lots of people have you. Expect a stranger with dilated pupils to be strangely hostile. With the constellation of Trafalgar penetrating your beluga-portal, you may experience delusions of relevance.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

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Expect everyone to worship the very ground you walk upon. Also, expect to be bitterly disappointed. As Qanon slides past your tonsil quadrant remember: It’s still homesteading, even if you weren’t there first.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

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A surprising financial loss will cause you to re-evaluate what the universe is telling you. You won’t change though, because the universe is a giant arsehole, and so are you. Your power word for this week is: Paggle.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

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Meeting an old flame could lead to an unexpected restraining order and/or child support payments. Sacrifice a goat to Hodor for increased financial security. Your mantra for this week: Nobody trusts you.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 22

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Channel your inner donkey while your moon sign is in Spartacus for that extra boost of confidence. The ‘weed’ you bought behind that 7-11 is actually catnip. Avoid sunlight and crossbow duels.

Sagittarius

November 23 – December 20

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If you've been neglecting your self-voting, you may start to feel unappreciated and lonely. Ignore losers who say that MLM schemes can’t go on forever. That hole in your nose will totally close up. BUY BUY BUY, WOOOOOOO!

Capricorn

December 21 – January 19

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This week, try something different, like a two-syllable grunt, or thinking for yourself. Don’t be disappointed by the results of your recent visionquest; your spirit animal really is cement. This is OK, because money trumps personality and talent.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

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You will read some technical analysis predicting that cat biscuits are going to the moon. If you find this plausible, send me your credit card details and/or account passwords, NOW, for a guaranteed bajillion% ROI.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

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Whilst huffing jenkem, you will have a vision of Jerry Banfield as the Angel of Death having a threesome with a self-replicating machine elf and Andre the Giant (hallowed be his name). This is a sign you should power down and punch the next stranger you meet.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

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Frustrated by your inability to afford a lambo just by posting one-word comments, you will resort to killing the nearest bovine-looking thing for food with your bare hands. The stars have predestined that everything about your life is entirely your fault.

_{*Fortelling should not be used for medical purposes and is not suitable for pogonophobes or those allergic to hot-dog water. For more information, consult with our qualified customer service representatives/ #comedyopenmic nominees: @miss-j and @akvandy.}

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