Previously on the fundraising chronicles:

• The Carer

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The Neo-Nazi Cop

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So, one cold, dark, winter night, I'm walking around a mid-dem estate knocking doors, trying to raise money for charity. The middle demographic is the strangest demographic of all.

They're the people who are only just scraping through life, many haven't paid off their BMW's and sometimes their cars cost more than their houses. They like to have nice stuff that they can't really afford, and live near other people who have nice stuff they can't really afford so they can prove they can afford it.
^{It's a wannabe rich person rat race.}

So yeah, these estates are hit and miss, some have quite a few nice people in them, but most of the time you'll spend a full day out there and you'll just get people looking down on you like you're a filthy piece of shit beggar trying to extract hard earned money from their bank accounts.

I was working for Scope, a disability charity; since this was slimy mid-dem the majority of my objections that day had been largely selfish, snarky comments that I'm sure they wouldn't want Mr and Mrs Jones hearing such as:

"But I'm not disabled."

"I've got a disability and I manage just fine without help."
^{Then proceed to tell me about how their bad back is a disability.}

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But...

There was this one bloke, an ex-cop who used to work in making the police more disability friendly. He says how it's right up his street and reminds himself I was only asking for £1 a week, he invites me in.

If you read my last story, you'd know that going into someone's house isn't usually a good idea but I enjoy doing it anyway for the banter.

So we're sat there, talking about life whilst I fill out the form. Y'know, the usual stuff, his kids are just graduating university, his wife died, Nazi death camps, his work in the police force, a little bit about my life, what I'm studying and stuff.

Yes, Nazi Death Camps. That wasn't me subconsciously writing my thoughts. In fact, Nazi death camps where his main topic of conversation. He had a pile of books stacked up to the arm of his chair about Nazi doctors, gas chambers, recycling jews, Himmler, Hitler, all the juiciest gossip.

He started telling me about how they used jew's skin to make fucking lampshades, how their body fat was used to make soap and how they used their hair to make pillows. He was talking about it just a tad too passionately.
At one point saying

"I'm not saying they were good people, but my god they were geniuses! You'd have to be deranged and evil, but also incredibly genius to come up with such efficiency!"

^{I suppose even the evil Germans are efficient.}

He was staring at me the whole time he was saying this, I was so uncomfortable. That's when I realised he didn't have any lampshades.

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This is my entry to #comedyopenmic, I nominate @enskan and @joanstewart