Comedy Open Mic_ Entry#2 : THE VILLAGE : Part 16 - Do You Know How Many Munchkins She's Killed?

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago

These are the ruins of Tintagel Castle, Cornwall. The legendary birth place of the mythical King Arthur. Which is all complete bullshit, but it brings in the tourists. It's genuine history goes back several thousand years before this. It's owned by English Heritage who have very little interest in real history though. That's because they are English, the clue is in the title.


(The copyright for this image is the property of Visit Cornwall)

Darcy took a deep steadying breath. The sound of oxygen rattling into her shuddering lungs rendered it pointless. She was going to end up hyperventilating herself to death. Well at least she had her only good underwear on. They'd probably bury her in that. The other stuff had been fun. Slightly dangerous and criminal yet fun. She'd tried to run before she could walk. Rather they'd pushed her into this. Sophie and Stephanie had overestimated how together she was. She'd turn states evidence. Cop a plea in return for reduced jail time. Everything was taking so long. Sophie still heading towards the receptionist in ultra slow motion.

The manager had kept them waiting several hours. He knew this was a con. Right now he was on to the police. They'd be here shortly. Each step Sophie took reverberated deep inside turning her guts to water. Water which would cascade out of her very soon. Not only was she going to die of a combination of fright and fright induced hyperventilation, she was going to shit herself in the process. Stephanie stood in front of her. Darcy wanted to throw her out of the way. Then throw herself on the mercy of the courts. No Steph don't smile at me like that. It will make betraying you all the harder. You'd do the same in my position. I've got a child I'm responsible for. Stephanie took her hands.

"Right. Your pulse is probably about 200 right now. You have got to relax Darce. Nothing will go wrong. Nothing that Soph and I can't handle anyway. I know this is scary for you. My first time was so bad I was sick. But oh boy the buzz I felt afterwards was the best. You don't need to do anything except follow our lead. The best advice I can give you at this point is that if in doubt hoist those puppies, flutter those eyelashes and flirt."
"What if it's a woman?"
The young woman smiled.
"Then you use your A game sweetie. Try not to end up fucking anybody though. It plays havoc with the schedule."
Over at the other side of the foyer, Sophie had reached the receptionist. Who'd just that second finished a call.
"Is there a problem?" Hespasia Flangepole asked, rather ominously.
"We can't seem to reach our head office I'm afraid. Mr Findlay is trying to confirm things with them."
Huffing impatiently Sophie tapped her lanyard against her chest.
"They're on lock down. New security protocol to avoid anyone leaking our arrival. There have been some big changes, let me tell you. Could you let Mr Findlay know we're on a tight timetable here please. I'm here with representatives of our New York and Beijing offices. Right now you're making us look piss poor. I'll try and smooth this over, but I can't do that for long."
That hadn't been a request. More a demand.
"I didn't even know we had New York and Beijing offices."
Sophie tutted loudly.
"That's just typical. So you've no idea about the hostile take over then. I know they kept it out of the press for good reason, but you should have been kept in the loop. Especially given the fact they'll be streamlining, rationalizing and combining back offices. In other words mass redundancies." The receptionists jaw dropped. "Crap. Shouldn't have said that. Please don't tell anyone I did. Can't help noticing you still aren't calling Mr Findlay."
"I'll page him immediately."
"Thank you. I'll soothe some ruffled feathers if I may. Hopefully we can salvage something from this mess."

Darcy had either calmed herself down or passed through to the other side of the panic barrier. Of course this could have been fatalism setting in. Acceptance of her fate. The three of them entered into hushed conversation. Strictly speaking two of them did. Darcy was clueless here. Most of what the others were saying was gobbledygook. What did finesse mean? She knew what it meant of course but what did it mean in this specific instance? They were looking at her. Both of them. Darcy looked over her shoulder. Yes it was definitely her they were being expectant of.

"Sorry. I'm lost. I have no idea what's going on here. You think I have something to say, but I don't. Please try not to hate me. I'm awful at this."
The other two looked at each other seriously. They'd worked her out. Darcy was useless. They'd no longer be friends.
"I said." Sophie fought to keep the huge grin from reaching her face. "I'll do me, because that's the only thing I can do. Steph will play the psychopathic bitch from hell. You'll do flirty then angry then flirty again. Are you okay with that?"
"No. I might be able to do flirty. I won't be able to do angry though. I'm far too busy with scaredy."
"What do you think Steph?"
Sophie sadly asked her friend.
"Michael was right Soph. She can't handle it."
Darcy felt her heckles rise ever so slightly. She was going for casually asking only there was a slight edge.
"What did he say about me? Exactly?"
Sophie and Steph looked at one another and nodded. Sophie answered.
"He said you were very pretty but dreadfully dull witted. Bovine I think was the word he used. Well it was one of the words he used. What else did he say Steph?"
"That Darcy would make a very good ornament. Oh and he definitely said he thought you lacked spine. He said that several times. We stood up for you Darce. He said you'd bale on us though. Warned us you were third rate. Looking at you was easy, but actually speaking to you made him feel as if his IQ was steadily dropping towards zero."
Sophie gave Darcy a pitying look.
"It's not your fault. We rushed you into this. We'll tell them it's all a big mistake. We're at the wrong premises."
"No you fucking won't." Darcy dropped her voice. "So I'm bovine and spineless, am I? That mother fucking son of a bitch. We'll show him."

Steph and Sophie winked at each other. Darcy smoldered. Half way between smoking hot and incendiary. The puppies were up and out. Mr Findlay chose this moment to enter the foyer in a hurry. He adjusted his tie and plastered a smile onto his face. Coming over to greet them. He was tall, middle aged and very well groomed. All things that Darcy could work with.

"We meet at last Mr Findlay. I'm Hespasia Flangepole head of UK security."
They shook hands.
"Hespasia, that's an unusual name."
"Yes it's from Greek mythology. Hespasia was an ancient Greek prostitute so I'm told. My father chose to name me after my mother."
"So your mother was called Hespasia as well?"
"No. My mother was called Sharon. She was a whore though." No pause or skip. Straight on as if this were standard conversation. "This is my colleague from the New York office. Sarsaparilla Candycock. "
Darcy gave him the full teeth and tits as she shook his hand. Eyelashes aflutter.
"Yes I know. Imagine how the boys used to tease me. My mother is Lithuanian, but my father was from a little town on the French/Dutch border. They fled the purges together as children. Emigrated to America. The family name was originally Kandycoch with a K. Immigration services couldn't spell that so I get mocked. Not that I'm complaining. Made me the strong confident woman I am today."
Darcy thought she might have gone over the top there with the exposition. Sophie stepped into the breech.
"She's extremely intelligent as well. Now if she'll release your right hand. Thank you Sarsaparilla. This is Cinderella Spatchbatch, she heads up the Asian and Pacific regions. Rotating between Beijing and Sydney." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Word to the wise Findlay, she's very Chinese in her ways and it's her first time over here. Don't mention her name if you know what I mean."
Stephanie bowed slightly at the waist, shaking his hand.
"I hope everything is in order now. I do hate disorganization. Among other western habits."
All spoken in perfect English, English.
"You're from China? You speak very good English I must say."
Stephanie still had hold of his hand. With it she dragged him towards her, which considering he was at least a head taller was impressive.
"Oh so you need me to speaky Chinesee. Me velly solly. Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable if I was cooking your flied lice for you."
She was spitting in his face with fury by that point. Hespasia and Sarsaparilla disengaged the furious one. Each took an arm and carried her backwards across the foyer. During which Cinderella launched into a stream of invective Mandarin. Struggling and straining against her companions. Legs kicking out hands like claws. The other two set her down, gave Findlay a reassuring smile that abjectly failed to reassure him. Their friend was released and all three entered into a conversation. Hushed tones that could be heard throughout the room.
"Please Ms Spatchbatch, I know this isn't what you're used to. Things are a lot different here in the UK. Workers have rights."
"I will fucking bury him if he makes another wisecrack." Steph stabbed her finger at Findlay then drew it across her throat. "Does that punk know who he's fucking with? Racist piece of shit. One more insult, just one more and I'll burn this whole place down. What's it worth? A hundred, two hundred million? That's chicken feed."
Findlay felt very uncertain here. Denied contact with his head office, he had to play along while discovering as much as possible about these 3 total strangers. Their security ID's seemed genuine. There was a possibility they had instituted random spot checks. Dare he allow them access to whatever it was they wanted? Dare he deny them access, knowing that if he was wrong his career was over. Their volume had moderated. To the point he could no longer hear what they were saying. Was that good? It didn't feel good. Meanwhile back at the ranch.
"You know those glasses really do suit you Darce." Sophie gave Findlay another non-reassuring mile over her shoulder. "They actually make your eyelashes more noticeable. Excellent work on the back story by the way."
"I'm not sure. About the glasses I mean. Thanks though. I thought I might have overdone it a bit with the biography. Went a bit too far."
"No." Steph countered. "You did good. Just the right amount of meaningless detail. The trick is to remember all the lies you've told. If that gets too difficult you've gone too far."
She gave Findlay the evil eye once more for good luck. Sophie took that as their cue.
"Well let's not keep this idiot in suspense any longer than we have to ladies. On with the nonsense."

They were in. Sort of at least. There were formalities to go through. Ones they'd invented to delay things until they had a better idea what was going on. There were half a dozen employees currently trying to contact the UK head office. Wild rumors of job cuts and massive redundancies were sweeping though the entire firm. They were out of luck as far as contacting HQ. Their telephone server had crashed thanks to being spammed into oblivion. They had no internet either. Whatever had been done to the telephones had spread into other systems. All of which was problematic considering what they did. Managing data for a long list of clients entailed the highest possible standards. Yet here they were reduced to pen, paper and pocket calculator. The inspectors had been given coffee's and a room. The one Findlay returned to having found out nothing of any relevance. Sarsaparilla greeted his return with a toss of her hair and a toothy smile. The puppies were also getting a well deserved run out. Staying as far from Stephanie as possible in a confined space he took Sophie to one corner. His opening gambit had been expected. In fact, it was long overdue.

"Just out of interest how long have you been with Benson Fitch, Ms Flangepole?"
"At least 4 years. You know what it's over 5 because before that I was with Amadex. Don't know if you've heard of them. They do those high definition CCTV camera's you have all over the building. You've got two in here and four in the foyer. By the way I should point out we've spotted that blind spot around the side of the reception desk.You really should have that covered. Either install a fifth or move the one above the main entrance a couple of feet. That should do it."
He made a note of that just in case.
"So you must know Andy Kirk then. How is he doing these days?"
Now that was either a complete fabrication or there genuinely was an Andy Kirk working at head office. Sophie chuckled showily then used her very serious hushed tone as she drew him further into their corner.
"Shit. What do you know about Kirk? Seriously, nobody is supposed to know anything about that at all. Operation Kirk is purely on a need to know basis. It shouldn't even be mentioned outside the group responsible for it. If we get caught talking about it we are history and with these two that could be permanent,"
"W..What do you mean?"
"Sarsaparilla, she's all sweetness and light. Got the hots for you. Her daddy is a potato magnet out of Idaho. Well originally he was. Made his billions and branched out. Ran an exclusive high fashion retail outlet on Fifth Avenue. Little Miss Tippy Toes shows up one morning to pick up some free haute couture. Poor bastards opened a minute after 9. Everybody in the building fired instantly. Even people who didn't actually work for the company. Cost millions in compensation but they don't care. Daddy's little girl gets what she wants. That's why she's just had her third marriage. He drowned on a cruise off Guadeloupe. The first 2 died as well. One suicide and another under mysterious circumstances. Could all be coincidence but being widowed 3 times seems like too much of one. She's hot I know but don't touch her with a barge pole."
"Christ. You're not kidding are you?"
"No shit. Of course I'm not. I've got some leverage though. Know of a few skeletons and where they can be found if you get my meaning. She's nothing next to that other psycho bitch though."
"What do you mean?"
"Well you know I said she switched between Beijing and Sydney. Truth is they had to move her out of Oz permanently. Do you know how many Munchkins she's killed?"
"What?" The disbelief was clear. "Munchkins don't exist."
"Not anymore they don't. Thanks to her. Believe it or not they used to exist. Tribe of pygmies on one of the islands off Papua New Guinea. Used them as slave labor. Worked those poor little bastards to death. Used to hunt them for sport. There's no proof. They've removed all trace now. Made sure people think they were fictional. As far as the authorities are concerned this is only rumor. I'm not sure myself but I'm not taking the risk. I want rid of them quicker than you do."
This was so far fetched it had to be true. Nobody would construct such an incomprehensible illogical web of lies. Findla still had doubts though.
"What precisely would you be auditing? And how long would it take?"
"I'd say we could get away with your cold storage server. I can do the rest of my report based on the buildings schematics. Ten minutes at least but say twenty to be on the safe side. We won't take anything in there with us and you can stay while we do it. What do you say to that? You'd be saving both our asses here."
He nodded then left immediately.
"So are we in?" Stephanie asked.
"That we are." Sophie replied.
"Okay Darcy. Probably a bit late in the day to ask." Steph stated carefully. "But would you be willing to take one for the team."
Darcy even surprised herself here.
"Yeah. I've had worse. What are we talking about? I'd rather not do oral but I'm up for a quick one as long as I can keep my panties on."
Steph guffawed.
"Damn you really are full on."
Sophie was impressed also.
"I do love a dirty minded woman. You don't have to bone him Darce. Just keep him busy while Steph and I do what needs doing. Still that's impressive."
"Oh sure... um... what exactly is it that you'll be doing?"
"Steph will gain access to some data on their cold storage server. It's not connected to the internet. Totally isolated to prevent hacking and tampering. There's a mining survey on it we need to check out."
Findlay's return prevented them fully informing Darcy. He would take them to a room where the terminal had direct access to the cold storage server. As they filed out Steph whispered into Darcy's ear.
"Way to go girl. I'd say not to get too cocky but I'm pretty sure he won't."
Darcy undid a button, ten a second one. The girls didn't get out as often as they deserved. That was some good cleavage, even if she did say so herself.

The room was small but not tiny. Steph seated herself at the keyboard. Findlay entered an access code and took a seat. His eyes glued to Steph and Sophie. He jumped suddenly and stared at Darcy. Right down her top. That wasn't as disturbing as her unshod foot rubbing around his groin area before zeroing in on his manhood. He was only human. She was stunning. However despite the evident erotic pleasure he was still feeling more fear than lust. Suitably distracted he missed everything that the other two were doing. It took less than ten minutes as it turned out. Findlay was mostly glad, but also disappointed. Sarsaparilla Candycock was a fascinatingly sexy and scary woman in his view. He'd have loved to walk them down to the foyer. However he had something else he needed to take care of. That erection wasn't going anywhere in a hurry.

Outside at last the full tale was told. A mining company had carried out a mineralogical study of St Erile. It was this that was stored on the cold server. In it they estimated that under the village there was at least 400 tons of silver in a big thick seam that went hundreds of feet deep. At least half a billion dollars lying there. It would destroy the village though. The mineral rights were the property of the mining company. People would lose their homes and St Erile would vanish as so many other communities had. They'd decided they didn't want that. With a few minor changes the report now showed it wasn't worth the effort to extract a the few millions worth. It wouldn't even cover costs. As Stephanie so rightly put it. They'd done a good thing. And at the end of the day wasn't that what Emirc was all about.

I would like to nominate @gmuxx and @steeminganarchy for the next round.

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At least there was a silver lining.

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