Comedy Open Mic Round 21 (Entry#2) : THE VILLAGE : Part 35 - What's the Biggest Shit You've Ever Had?

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago

This is a picture of the village of Marazion taken from the causeway of St Michael's Mount. When the tide is in the causeway is covered by several feet of water. Abandon hope all ye who enter here. For tis said that if you stare too long at anything I have wrote you will become enamored and fettered to illusions for the rest of your lunch. You have been forewarned.


(The copyright for this image is the property of Marazion.info.)

How did I get here, is a question often asked by people (mainly men) after a long night drinking alcohol. Normally shortly after they wake up on a bench or in the local hospital. It has also been asked by sober people. Often for the exact same reason. Your attention was distracted by some inconsequential thought. Completely unaware you have taken a wrong turning. Now you stand in a place you have never been before with no idea how you got there. It's not purely geographical. Who hasn't entered into a conversation with someone, usually your partner, and ended up in realms you should either never have accessed or knew nothing about. You've stumbled into a minefield. Sometimes these forays into the unknown aren't as bad as that. You're with a group of friends and the conversation is flowing. Finally you reach a subject that animates everyone in the group. Yet if you asked every member they would have little notion as to how they got onto this subject. Little links and tangents litter their paths to a common destination.

The fact is if you are ever in this situation, for your own benefit, you must learn to ask a different question. Ask not "how did I get here" instead ask "How do I get out of here? Preferably with my internal organs still safely stowed inside my body and hardly any blood loss. She looks very angry. This is going to take much more than an apology, to put right. I know she's in the right, yet I have no idea where I went wrong." This advice generously given to you for free is of no use whatsoever. The fact is you are fucked. You were fucked before you knew it, as soon as you got there. All you can do is prepare yourself for impact. Move to your safe space and lock yourself inside then phone the police. Turning yourself in is the safest option. Find out which serious crimes they are investigating and confess to at least one of them. If your partner ever says the following: It's not what you said it's the way you said it, take the cyanide pill you have been issued with. Of course you could avoid all this simply by paying attention, but that's never going to happen.

Sophie and Michael had reached the point in their negotiations where there was a broad basic understanding between them. On that might at some future point lead to a happy working environment. Michael wasn't entirely satisfied with this, however it was preferable to all other options. It was here that Sophie's exhaustive and some would say encyclopedic preparations for the arbitration, became a problem. The sheer volume of her demands and outrageous charges made progress slow. They had to find a way to speed up their progress. The first idea they came up with was the coin toss. The results of which would determine whether or not they bothered with a particular caveat or accommodation. Then Sophie pointed out this was far too random. There was no element of skill involved. It was all about luck and pure chance. Her counter suggestion was that they should employ rock, paper, scissors. They then had a fifteen minute conversation about why paper beats rock. Logically it just didn't work. Rock smashed scissors and scissors cut paper, but what precisely did paper do to rock? If you were in a three way fight the one weapon you'd avoid was a sheet of paper. They explored the fact that if you had a sufficient quantity of paper it would be possible to construct something that could be deemed a weapon. However in the arms race that would ensue the rocks and scissors could also upscale. They had reached an impasse.

Arm wrestling wouldn't be fair. Sophie was freakishly strong while Michael quite liked having the use of both arms. Throwing darts at a dartboard briefly made an appearance, before they worked out they didn't have darts. There was no dartboard either, but they could still have thrown the nonexistent darts at something. They then moved onto board games. Snakes and ladders again relied on luck and chance. Besides which Michael could dimly remember being stuck in an unending game with Luke and his daughter Amy. After three hours of throwing dice nobody had reached the end. All of the other games he had were far too long winded as well. They'd have had to set targets within any game. Those targets would end up having to be negotiated between them. It was a whole Russian doll situation they'd both rather avoid. Eventually it was decided they would play Penny up the Wall. A childhood game they'd both played. It consisted of tossing coins towards a wall, or even a step. The coin that landed closest to the target was the winner. This satisfied all of their joint requirements. Although Michael had to point out that Sophie was far more physically coordinated than he. She was a creature of poise, balance, speed and grace he was a man who could stab himself in the eye while eating with a fork. Sophie would therefore toss her coins from further away. Additionally, should either of them win three in a row the handicap would be adjusted in favor of the loser.

"Why don't you like children?"
Sophie asked as she threw for a 7 to 4 lead.
"What makes you say that?"
"Oh it's the resistance to everything I came up with to encourage them to use the library more. That and the way you avoid them as much as possible."
"Actually I love children. I couldn't eat a whole one though." Sophie gave him a stern look. "Oh alright. I was only joking. Of course I could eat a whole one. There's hardly any meat on one. I could probably manage at least two and a baby sorbet for dessert. Are you happy now?"
"No. I would hope that we could be honest with each other in both our working and personal relationship. Why don't you like children?"
Michael considered this before replying.
"I don't dislike them. I just don't know what to do with them. They switch from joy to misery in an instant then straight back. They can eat until they're sick, throw up and carry on like nothing has happened. Children are a complete mystery to me."
"Okay but surely you were a child once. Even I have vague memories of being one."
"That was a very long time ago though. Besides I've been a human being all my life and that still confuses the fuck out of me. If I'm honest I suppose most of my aversion is because I don't want to ruin them."
"How could you possibly ruin a child?"
"Very easily I'd say. I'm a cynical, twisted, pessimistic loner with no drive or ambition."
"That's a very negative assessment."
"It's accurate though. I look on having no drive or ambition as positive traits. For example I could pass on the negative ones to a child. If they didn't have my positive qualities there's a strong likelihood they'd become cynical, pessimistic, twisted loners with enough drive and ambition to go on an extended killing spree. I could look forward to reading a court ordered psychiatric assessment which heavily featured my name as a causative agent."
"So you wouldn't want to be responsible for causing all those deaths?"
"Oh I'm not bothered by how many innocents my disciples would kill. I'm worried about the publicity and all the assholes who'd track me down for an interview. Then there's a strong possibility I could end up in a prison cell, having to live in intimate proximity with someone else. Then during the long lonely nights they'd tell me all about their sad lives and what brought them to commit crimes. I'd have to smother them with a pillow to prevent that. Which would require considerable effort on my part. So I suppose I avoid children to prevent having to exert myself."
Sophie giggled.
"I don't believe a word. You've obviously thought about it though."
"Oh Christ yes. There isn't a situation I haven't examined from the downside."
Doogie's head appeared out of the kitchen window.
"Good to see you kids playing nicely."
"Steph already did that one." Sophie retorted. "I thought you were all getting pissed."
"Me and Doidge never get pissed. Darcy and Steph are sensible. That's why I'm fetching snacks. While they powder their noses."
Michael's response was his usual random leap.
"Why do they do that? Go to the toilet in groups I mean. It's always puzzled me. If I asked Doogie or Doidge to accompany me for a piss they'd think I was insane. In the event that we did end up urinating into a trough together the conversation would be severely limited. If we made eye contact only one of us would leave the facilities alive. You couldn't risk that getting out. You'd never live it down."
"Too true." Doogie agreed.
"How are the Doidge and Steph doing?" Sophie asked.
"Well Steph is upstairs as I said and Doidge is down at the bottom of the garden banging his head against the shed."
"I take it the "my legs are too short" gambit didn't work out then." Sophie added. "That it didn't open up the sluice gates of conversation."
"Jeez no. Although to be fair to Doidge it was English that came out of his mouth. Not the words of romance he'd have liked but they were words."
"What did he say then?"
Doogie did a quick look round.
"I suppose Steph or Darce will tell you anyway. And I'm defo not passing judgement. In his defense I'm pretty sure his intentions were noble. I think Doidge was trying to change the subject to something less fraught with peril for him."
Doogie prevaricated.
"So what did he say?" Sophie insisted.
"What's the biggest shit you've ever had?"
Michael, who'd hardly been paying attention, cut in.
"Well there was one I was really proud of. I wish I'd had a camera with me because... Oh sorry. You mean that's what he actually said."
"Yep. He got confused and panicked. What can I say. Sure as hell stopped the conversation dead in its tracks."
Michael's curiosity had been piqued.
"I'd be really interested to know how he came up with that. Can't really ask him and being Doidge he'll have no idea. So did he ask this of Stephanie?"
"Buggered if I know. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it was addressed to all of us. It was a general inquiry to which no one volunteered an answer. Fair play to the ladies though. They only remained in stunned silence for five minutes before they excused themselves. I can hear them coming down so I'd better fetch those snacks. I'll let them go back first so Doidge doesn't get all paranoid about everyone talking about his social failure."
Sophie wasn't so sure that would work.
"You honestly think there's the slightest chance that Doidge will not know that it's all anyone will be talking about?"
"It's Doidge. How could anyone ever know. Including Doidge. He is and he does. That's all anyone can say. I'll be off. By the way Mikey not a lot of snacks here. You might like to keep that in mind for your next supply trip."
Michael drifted back to the now.
"Fuck. I hope you've been keeping score, because I haven't."
"Son of a bitch. No I haven't. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I am about to make you a once in a life time offer. Okay?"
"Mmmmm let me think. OW!"
Sophie had slapped him.
"Don't think. You must not think. That's your problem. Now are you ready?"
"I don't know. I'm not allowed to think apparently."
"Shit. I'll take that as a yes. Now listen very carefully. All of this, everything that's happened today, I will accept your decision on every point I've raised. You will have a veto on everything. If you work with me to get Doidge and Steph together at last."
"Why would I do that. Ow! Will you stop hitting me?"
"Don't be a baby. They are perfect for each other."
"I'm no judge on these matters... but I can see you winding up for another slap so I'll shut up. Although honestly I'm the wrong man for this job. I have no idea about these things."
"That doesn't matter. All you have to do is agree to follow my instructions where they are concerned and I'll bow to you over library etiquette. Now decide."
"On one proviso. Ow!"
"We haven't got time for this. I need to plan and scheme."
"Wait." He ducked. Sophie slapped him with her other hand. "Ow. Again. I agree on condition you stop hitting me."
"Cool. I will only hit you when you deserve it and I'll warn you when you're crossing the line. Damn I could kiss you."
"Please don't. I'm not sure what any sign of affection would do to my delicate psyche. It's never happened and it's best left to imagination."
"I'm going to give you a hug, deal with it." Michael hung against her limply as Sophie fulfilled her threat. "Do you want to guess what the bulge in my pants is?"
"I'm hoping it's a gun." Suddenly he began to laugh. Not chuckle or giggle. It was a breathless gale of laughter.
Sophie stepped back.
"Well that's new. What the hell has got into you?"
"I'm playing Penny up the Wall with Shirley Temple in my front garden. That's something very few people can say. Not without loosing their liberty anyway."

I would like to nominate @darthnava and @pinkspectre for the next round.

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I couldn't eat a whole child. A baby, maybe.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't the size of them, it's the texture.

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