Comedy Open Mic Round 25 (Entry #2) : THE VILLAGE : Part 55 - No. I'm Shitting Myself With Joy.

It's come to my attention that as many as up to two people have read my shit (although it might be a single schizophrenic with serious trust issues). Someone has even suggested in the comments that I've reached the heights of having 2.5 readers. So thanks to @belemo and @holybranches two funny people imho. This is success beyond my wildest dreams as you can imagine. In celebration of this momentous occurrence I'm postponing all of my suicide pacts indefinitely. I'll still be going as many killing sprees as my schedule allows though. Those fucking squirrels deserve it I tell you. Coming over here stealing our nuts. They don't even try to assimilate or learn the language even. We have to start resisting them ASAP. Building a wall won't do any good though. We've got to be smarter than them, which is a big ask. Don't say I didn't warn you.

(The copyright for this image is the property of New England Malayalee Association.)

Sophie Deveraux had arisen early. There were preparations she had to make. Decisions also. Like whether to take some throwing knives or shurikens. Four of each were tried out. Her accuracy was good. If he was wearing the kevlar though they'd only be an annoyance. Opening the hidden closet within her closet for the first time in over 7 years had been an odd experience. Though her man had been as comprehensive as possible with documenting her life up to the "accident", there were still large holes. Strangely the hardest parts to view were those involving herself. To see that woman and know you were her didn't automatically feel right. The lies and fabrications involved here amounted to a genuine conspiracy. All her suspicions confirmed. So many details left out. For her own well being, so her clever boy said. Better too little than too much information to assimilate. Sophie had slipped on her old work suit first thing. It still fit, so at least she hadn't gotten fat. A few stretches and a couple of flips and spins. Still unable to decide exactly what to take, Sophie carried her kit downstairs. Once she'd had breakfast she'd decide.

She sat quietly at the breakfast table. Scrambled eggs and a bowl of unsweetened cereal chewed relentlessly by teeth that needed to taste a throat. Once she'd eaten, she tipped her bag out onto the table. MMA gloves? They'd do. The knives and stars might be handy but they'd also encumber her in the bandoleer she'd have to wear. Pulling on her boots she laced them meticulously. Checking them. Still strong after all this time. One blade up her sleeve and another two in their boot sheathe's. Sophie did some bends and stretches again. A couple of high kicks, followed by the splits. Sophie rose from the floor gracefully without using her hands. This felt right. Black as night from neck to toe she looked over her stash of kit one final time. Shooting him would be far too quick. Another reason for not taking the throwing blades. There was a risk she'd hit an artery and he'd bleed out in seconds. That would be far too merciful if he'd done what she suspected and there was little doubt in her mind he had. It was the only thing she could think of that would fit.

"Where are you off to today darling?" Her mother inquired looking up from her tablet.
"I'm popping down into the village for a bit. Then I'm going to beat the truth out of Penrose before I kill him."
Her father turned down his newspaper to look at her.
"Do you need a lift?"
"No thanks. I could do with some exercise and I'm going to need a very long run up."
"Are you sure? It's no trouble. Penny we don't have anything on today do we?"
"No honey, not that I know of. You've got a meeting with the parish council tomorrow though. About the summer fete."
"There you go." Miles said. "I can drive you down there and drop you off. Save some time."
Sophie came round and kissed him on the cheek. A quick hug and another kiss.
"No it's fine. Honestly I need to burn off a bit of this energy or I'll explode all over him and end up killing him before I've started."
"Any idea when you'll be back?" Penny asked as her daughter gave her a hug.
"I shouldn't be that long." Sophie's lips moved as she counted out and calculated on her fingers. "Ten minutes to get there. Say half an hour to track him down. Don't want to sell myself short with the mayhem so allow at least an hour for that. Have you got a message for him before I end his worthless life?"
Penny and Miles looked at one another and shook their heads.
"Why would we?" Her mother asked.
"Yes." Her dad added. "We don't like him. We don't dislike him either. Your mother and I thought you understood that after our chats."
Sophie shrugged her disappointment.
"I thought you might have some good insults I could spit in his lying, murdering face."
"Now dear as a judge I have to say that we don't know he's a murderer yet. We'll see you later to catch up. Be safe."
"Yes. Look both ways before you cross the road. These narrow lanes are dangerous." Penny ordered.
"I'll be travelling cross country mom."
"Oh in that case look both ways before you cross the field. Don't want you treading mud and cow shit all over the rugs."
Sophie repacked her spare kit in the holdall and zipped it shut. Then she dived out of the open window onto the ground twelve feet below. Miles' newspaper came down again.
"You say we haven't got anything on."
"Yes that's right sweetie."
"That could get very boring. What say I get the car out of the garage and we both go down to the village anyway."
"Mmmm. It would be nice to get some fresh air and it's not everyday your daughter kills someone."
"Only thing is we didn't ask her where this is going to take place."
Penny smiled.
"I'm pretty sure we'll know pretty quickly once we get there. I'll just finish my coffee if I may."
"Of course. I'll bring the car out front. Ring round and make sure everybody else knows to."

Meanwhile, at the throbbing heart of the village, Michael Penrose was having some issues of his own. Having spent the night at the vicarage, Steph was now preparing him for his execution. Michael's suit was more modern in design and once again Tall Girl hadn't left a lot of ball room. His sole reason for thinking he'd spent the night here was waking up on the sofa. His last real memory was opening the gate with a funny squeak. No knives or other weapons for him. His opponent would only use them on him with extreme prejudice. Michael did his own stretching exercises. Trying to stretch the crotch of his suit and bending his knees a few times. He turned slowly on the spot. Bending his arms this time.

"How do I look?" He asked, turning to his mentor.
"Like a ruptured novelty condom."
"That good eh. Are you sure you've told me everything I need to know?"
"Of course I have. I've been carrying it around with me for frigging years. This is how it has to be. You'll be fine. If everything goes to plan. That's a big if though."
"That's encouraging." he replied ironically. "Could you just go over it all one more time though. Only I've forgotten almost everything you said."
"What can you remember?"
His eyes rolled back and Michael perused his brain.
"I remember everything from you asking if I still took sugar in my morning coffee. The rest is a blur."
"That's good. I think. Don't worry it'll all come back to you."
"When?"
"You'll get a full replay when your life flashes in front of you when you die."
"Yeah you see that's the bit I'm far from comfortable with. Do I really need to die?"
"Yes. You've served your purpose Michael. Do you remember me saying "you are the lock and I am the final key", that was only half an hour ago.
"Now that you say it I do. I thought it was an enigmatic aphorism that you'd then go on to explain. At length. Hopefully keeping me here until long after the danger had receded. Turns out I'm not as keen on dying as I thought I was."
"That's just fear of change, most people get it."
"Yes but going from alive to dead is a major change. I'd hazard a guess it's the biggest change anyone ever experiences. It's not quite the switch over to digital TV is it? You do know I could run away."
"You could try. But you won't. I hope you won't."
"Is what I'm about to do brave and courageous?" He asked hopefully.
"No. It's more stupid and foolhardy. You're going up against a grizzly bear, with nothing but a plastic spoon."
"Stupid yes. Fool hardy maybe."
"Are you scared?"
"No. I'm shitting myself with joy."
"That's good."
"If we had the time you and I would be having a long conversation about your definition of good young woman."
"You'll need all the Adrenalin your puny body can make. We should be off now."
He steeled himself. Actually it was more that he papered himself, but paper beats steel like it does rock. He had to hope his opponent didn't come with scissors.
"Where are we going exactly?"
"Up to the old Cornish Wrestling Ring."

A CORNISH WRESTLING MATCH - It's the oldest sport still played and has been around for over 2,000 years.

(This image of a Cornish Wrestling match is the property of Smiling Monkey)

"Part of me understands that. The rest is asking why?"
"It's where Doidge predicted the fight would take place. You know Doidge, he's never wrong about these things."
"Oh right... No wait. That's a self fulfilling prediction. Does that make any difference? I mean is there a chance he's wrong and my nemesis won't be there?"
"Not a snowflake in hell's chance Michael."
"I'm glad I didn't ask you if you'd miss me."
"Yeah. That was a good call. I'm your duly delegated second because I drew the short straw. I'd best not tell you who I'll be cheering on."
"Oooo let me guess."
"Come on. You're only postponing the inevitable here."
He spread his arms wide.
"Can I get a hug please."
"Ummm... NO!"

In other times the trek up to the old wrestling ring would have felt long and arduous. Not today though. No matter how slowly he dragged his feet Michael traveled at near light speed towards his doom. He didn't know what he'd been expecting but he hadn't expected to see the crowd. Most of them had brought food or snacks. Dooge and Doidge were front and center having arrived at first light. They clinked their beer bottles together and sat back. At that very moment Big Jeff and Darcy showed up, along with Tall Girl. She'd brought chocolate chip cookies which she began to hand round. The three of them took their places beside the Aussie and his partner, in the business sense. Oh look there were Miles and Penny as well. Practically the whole village in one spot. If only he had a bomb all his problems could be solved at one stroke. Michael approached the center of the ring to near silence. Oh they were yapping to one another alright. No one paid him the slightest attention.

"Steph? You're my second, but who's my opponent's second."
"They don't need one." Steph answered before heading to join the crowd.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to watch and place a bet if it's not too late."
Doogie cupped his hands round his mouth and yelled.
"Twink says it's so one sided it's not worth doing odds. So we're doing a sweepstake on how long it lasts. I've got thirty six seconds."
Steph yelled back.
"If nobodies got it put me down for two minutes."
Twink chuckled.
"The beautiful lady likes to take a risk. Highest anyone else has gone is one minute 48 seconds. She might know something we don't ladies and gentlemen and others. Still taking bets."
Michael looked around at the assembly. Only one thing missing. Where was his opponent? Wait.
"Steph." He called at her retreating back. "Who am I supposed to be fighting with anyway?" There was a primordial scream that froze the blood in his veins. His head darted from side to side to find the black arrow headed towards him still screaming. A switch clicked inside his head and his bowels turned to water. "Oh fuck. Shadow?"
A split second later she hit him with a tackle that lifted him clean off his feet. Then threw him down almost ten feet away.
"What have you done with my husband you piece of shit?"
"Shadow, I can explain... if you give me a minute to catch my bre.."
"You don't get to call me Shadow. Get up you fucking oxygen thief."
"No... it's fine.. I just need... to rest... a bit."
"If you've killed him." She took a long deep breath. "If you've harmed him in any way, I'll be killing you three weeks after you start to beg me to."
Penrose had risen to his hand and knees. Still severely winded. He threw up a bit and spat.
Meanwhile Darcy, who'd been bemused as to why Jeff had dragged her here, was gripping her mans arm tightly.
"Holy shit. He actually killed her husband?" She asked.
Jeff looked uncomfortable until he saw Doogie nod and smile.
"That's a really difficult question Darce. Yes and no is the answer. With a stronger emphasis on the yes." Sensing the grip on his arm tighten he continued. "We're hoping it's not irretrievable though."

It was a long story he continued. Too long to fully explain during what was looking to be a very short fight. Sophie and her husband had been members of a group of freelancers. Formed by Tall Girl aka Boss Lady. Also including Stephanie, Doogie, Doidge and himself Big Jeff. For the most part they'd acted as middlemen or fixers. Say somebody's child had been kidnapped and they needed someone to negotiate with the kidnappers. Alternatively they might be commissioned to do a spot of industrial espionage for a government needing plausible deniability. Most often they retrieved things that had been stolen. Either by buying them back or re-stealing them. They'd been highly respected and very successful. Until one day they upset someone who didn't have their scruples or morals. People who thought the only way to respond was by sending out a message. They'd tried to kill both Sophie and her husband. They'd failed but they'd murdered his parents and sister and left Sophie in a coma. The seal had been broken, so Doogie could now talk about it.

"They shot him in the back in some shitty alley in Cali, Columbia. He shouldn't have survived. I know the only thing that kept him alive was the need to get back to Sophie. Crazy bastard saved my life. They'd tried to do for me and I was almost down to my last bullet when he showed up. He was the brains and I was the brawn, yet he killed them after he was a dead man. We got him kind of patched up but he needed to be back here. We couldn't stop him. Thing is he was Mr Logic. As far as he was concerned keeping Sophie happy and safe was his only job. He'd failed. His logic told him he had to remove the threat to Sophie's life. It took almost two years but we got every last one of them. Anyone involved went on the list."
"You killed them?" Darcy asked.
"We dissected most of em. We had to send a message, so we videoed the entire performance each time and sent it to the next people on the list. There's probably a few copies of our work on the Dark net still. Oh they ran and hid but we had Doidge. He sniffed them out wherever they went. Everyone of us was with him."
"Jeff your bad ass." Darcy exclaimed.
"No I was mostly back office and comms."
"He's being modest Darce. Jeff played his part fully. His size helped us screw over a dozen miscreants, risked his life for the cause. Thing was Mr Logic had got a taste for risk reduction. All those people we delivered justice to knew other people. They had friends. Those friends might want to take revenge. The list grew longer and longer. Anyway Sophie came out of her coma so we came back. Then when he visited her for the first time after that, all she did was screech at him. I suppose it was good in a way. It put a stop to the killing. We were all growing tired by then."

Over the weeks that followed, Sophie recovered slowly. She still screamed her hate at her husband every time he visited. He thought it was because he'd become a monster like those he'd hunted down. He'd become something he hated. It was time to die. However his love for Sophie meant he still had to keep her safe and happy. She'd always loved her home of St Erile, more than anything else. The village loved her as well. She was their golden girl. There was no knowing how long it would take for her to fully recover. During that time changes would take place. The home she once knew would metamorphose into something else. Therefore he resolved to keep the village preserved as much as possible. When the villagers had been asked they all agreed. This place would always be hers. Kept alive with money and magic. In the modern world nothing like the village would exist. There'd be no school, library vans were a thing of the past. The whole place came together and acted as one. St Erile was a theme park really, but it was Sophie's theme park meant for Sophie to have her adventures in. As she'd done as a child. To keep her happy.

"So what exactly happened to her husband?" Darcy demanded.
"He died." Jeff replied. "But he was so smart you wouldn't believe. Always had an angle. Always had a back up plan and even if that failed he'd come up with something beautiful. Right now Sophie is trying to resurrect him. Bring him back from the dead. You see he became Michael Penrose. Christ that was hard work."
"Not half as hard as putting up with that cock." Doogie responded.
Meanwhile Michael had struggled to his feet and taken several blows to the face and torso.
"It's alright everyone. Nobody interfere. This is between me and Shadow."
Her face darkened. Sophie launched a series of punches and kicks. Michael found out about kicking above knee height when her right boot caught him in the head and sent him spinning to the ground. Where Shadow punctated her words with kicks to his sides.
"You don't get to call me Shadow you fucking waste of blood and flesh. I want my husband back. We were awesome together. We were the best. You're not fit to tie his shoes. Mind like a laser. Wits so sharp you could shave with them. You're only fog and forgetting. I will kill you like a dog."
He rolled on the ground propelled by her final kick. This time he managed to roll to his feet at the second attempt. Blood dripping from his mouth and nose, he clutched his chest."
"It's alright. I can handle this... I think I can handle this. It's just a few cracked ribs. A bit of strapping and I'll be fit as a fiddle. Now Sha... Sophie if you'll just give me a minute to pull my thoughts together I'll explain everything I promise. No one come between us. This will all..." He swiveled his head from side to side. "None of you are going to help are you. You're all going to just sit there and watch her beat the living shit out of me. Ah fuck I deserve it. Sophie. Please Sophie listen to me. There was only ever you. You're the only woman I've ever loved."
"What about Michelle Nightingale?"
He started to drift sideways hoping to prevent her form hitting him yet again.
"What makes you think I would ever..."
"She told me. And she told me your move. You know your move."
"I haven't even got a move... oh wait yes I have. She told you?"
"That she did."
She spun in he ducked the feinted kick and moved onto the flurry of punches to his already badly bruised ribs.
"That was before you though and anyway what about Matt thingummy... Pearce!"
"Trust you to bring up ancient history. I'd finished with him long before we got together."
"And there was Jamie Hoult. You even went out with that Rupert guy. The prick who wore his sweaters over his shoulders. Who the fuck goes out with someone called Rupert?"
She threw another punch that he partly deflected.
"You knowing my old boyfriends means nothing. Half the people here know them. I want my husband back and you dead and gone for good." She pulled the knife from her left boot and threw it into the ground at his feet. "Pick it up."
"No."
"I said pick it up." A blur of limbs and she was raining blows onto his face and chest. "Now pick it up. It'll be fairer."
He snatched the blade from the worn grass.
"Look Soph. There's no way I'm using this so kill me now. Please kill me."
Sophie launched herself at him. There was no resistance as she climbed his body and ended up on his shoulders. Legs and arms wrapped round his throat. With a flick she threw him onto his back.
"If you don't use that knife I'm breaking your neck."
His right hand trembled upwards straining. His tears began to flow and he dropped it to the ground.
"No. Finish it. I wasn't even here to identify their bodies Soph Katie was eleven. What the fuck harm could an eleven year old girl do to anyone? Mum and Greg at least they'd lived good happy lives for the years they had together."
With startling agility Sophie spun over his body to land on his chest. The other knife in her hand. Heading straight for his carotid artery. there were gasps from the crowd as it stopped just short of a fatal blow. A big fat drop collected on her cheek.
"It was my fault wasn't it. That's why you hate me. If it wasn't for me they'd still be alive."
"There was nothing anyone could have done. Don't you think I went over every angle, every possibility. Any other course and the same people would have died. You can kill me now. Thank you my little malevolent malefactor. Do it!"
Her face came down next to his. Sophie's warm breath fanned his ear.
"Do it yourself you lazy fuck."
A switch flicked.
"That's going to be incredibly hard since you're kneeling on my arms Shadow."
"Say something smart right now."
"Darcy and Jeff did it last night. Possibly this morning as well. Doogie and Doidge's beers are imported or rather smuggled. It's a brew only sold in the Czech Republic if I'm any judge. Stephanie already knows Doidge wrote her those poems. I'm not sure exactly why but she's been waiting to see how things worked out with you. She didn't want to be blissfully happy without her best friend I assume. You know about the money. It came from a drug dealer we dealt with we've used it to finance the whole project."
"Welcome home darling." She kissed his bloody mouth, he winced.
"You're still kneeling on my chest babes. Are.. are you all there?"
"Mostly." She rolled off him and offered a hand.
"Oh God. I think my ribs are broken. I was surprised you didn't go for my groin."
"Hey I'm not stupid. I knew there was a chance you'd still be in there. You never give up. Come on old man let's get you home."
He placed his arm around her shoulder and they walked, or rather limped out of the ring.
"Welcome back Yogi."
"Good to see ya Yogi."
"We missed you ya bugger."
Various villagers greeted him as they passed.
"Yogi? Why do they call Michael, Yogi? Darcy asked.
Doidge leaned over.
"After Yogi Bear. See, he's smarter than the average bear. An.. an.."
Stephanie was beside him.
"You're coming with me Herbert Doidge. I've got some poems I want to go over with you. And if you're really good I'll let you do a few metaphors on me. We can try some similes as well."
Half carrying her husband Sophie spotted Luke running up clutching a padded envelope.
"Have I missed something he asked?"
"No. It was a minor domestic. A man got handed his ass by his wife. End of story." Sophie replied.
"Oh right. What happened to you Michael?"
"I fell over. Several times, but I've got some incredibly strong painkillers back at the house."
"Rachel and I wanted to thank you." Luke held up the envelope. "I don't understand but it seems you bought us a house we'd never seen before. You also put your little black book in by mistake."
"No I didn't. Did you look in it? It shows what you still owe me."
"I didn't like to. It was private."
"Well look in it now and add up exactly what money you will need to pay me to free your soul."
Luke opened up the notebook.
"I don't understand. It's blank."
Michael winked.
"How about that Luke. God does indeed move in a mysterious way. Now if you'll excuse me I want to go home. Perhaps you could oblige me by not showing up there for a couple of days."
"Or you'll render me down for spare organs."
"No. I will be extremely unhappy but I will not harm you."
Sophie drew her blade and held it t Luke's throat so fast he didn't have time to blink.
"I on the other hand will slit your eyelids off followed by your lips and balls. Should you dare to show up before Wednesday. Are you going to be capable after strong painkillers?" She asked her husband.
"Just be gentle with me. I've been very poorly. Oh Christ there are so many loose ends to tie up here."
"They'll wait beloved."
"I really should thank Miles at some point. He took me under his wing when I was at my lowest."
"If we say he touched you intimately we could get millions. He's a judge. Everybody knows they're all pedophiles."
Penny and Miles were only a few feet away.
"Did you hear what your daughter just said about you Miles? How does that make you feel?"
"Yes indeed and it makes me so proud. That she'd betray her own father and destroy his reputation purely for the sake of money. We can rest easy, the estate will be safe in her larcenous hands."

THE END ------------- OR IS IT?

In the event that this competition has another round I would like to nominate @sock and @stevenalexander.