Comedy Open Mic - Round 25 : THE VILLAGE : Part 54 - You've Drugged Me?

First the serious, sincere bit. I would like to thank all those involved with Comedy Open Mic for their support. I honestly had no idea my work would be as popular as it is. Anywhere up to two people have read it allegedly. I've decided to bring the story to a close today and tomorrow. There is much more I could have written of this place I've had in my head for decades. It would have been expositional and included a lot more characters based on people I've met. Basically I've removed all the boring, unfunny stuff and the darker humor that appeals to me, but is an acquired taste. Thank you again everybody, from the judges to those who come to read and laugh. Especially when things are bad I hope. Please do exercise caution though. A few years ago I was being rushed to hospital in an ambulance. In between groaning in agony I laughed so much that the paramedics thought I'd taken cocaine. For which I was rigorously questioned and tested.

This is Carnglaze Caverns, included as an example of the caves and mines you will find the length and breadth of Cornwall. Thanks to some skillful lighting this place is stunningly beautiful and atmospheric. The acoustics are wonderful as well. Sometimes you stop and hear distant footsteps then you realize they are your own. Spooky.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Carnglaze Caverns)

To some there is nothing worse than seeing someone abusing their own body. To others it's wonderful. To Michael it was his preferred lifestyle choice. Abuse it or you'll lose it. Returning from his regular morning run, feeling so much fitter and less out of breath, he suddenly had the desire to take up smoking in order to reduce this unwelcome trend. There was a distinct danger he'd become so healthy he'd end up extending his lifespan. Fortunately there was always bacon. Although he'd even been cutting back on that. Slowly but surely over the last month he'd gone from at least 6 rashers every morning to five and a half. It was a huge sacrifice on his part but one he had to make. Why he had to make it was a mystery. In fact there was a little part of him that knew this was too little too late. Therefore, as the condemned man, his last breakfast would today have the full half dozen. Plus the half rasher left over from yesterday. In this way balance would be restored.

As usual Michael had his day planned out. Unusually it actually had things to do in it. Loafing would have to wait. He'd have plenty of time to loaf after he was dead. Happiness was an alien concept to him, but today Michael could have sworn he was contented. That might be too strong a word actually. Pleased and satisfied were a bit over the top to. Maybe an appropriate word for his current mood would come to him later. His first port of call after breakfast would be Tall Girl. After that he had, for him, a full day. Consisting of visiting people. His irresistible urge to do this might have been due to exercise. Yet surprisingly nobody mentioned that this could be a risk. Ordinarily he was risk averse. He walked, or more accurately run, right into this one. Generally he didn't socialize. Cards night with the boys was his limit as far as that was concerned. This was bad. Luke's presence in the kitchen didn't annoy him. How odd. Michael checked his pulse rate and temperature in case he was sickening with something. Temperature normal, but pulse rate 66 bpm. Holy shit exercise had lowered his normal resting rate from around 80 to less than 70. Was the reason he wasn't annoyed by Luke down to his entire body slowing down in keeping with his heart rate? An extra slice of fried bread would thicken his blood to its usual cold treacle consistency. If his calculations were correct he'd get pissed off with Luke in about five minutes. He looked forward to it with something a bit less strong than contentment.

"What are you up to today?"
The blonde, blue eyed, ineffably handsome, incredibly buff, young man jumped about a foot in the air with a high pitched squeak. Even without his impossibly good looks there were a zillion things to hate about him. Especially the way he was always so fucking nice
"Wha.. Nnngh... Urrr...."
"Have you been taking lessons on conversational skills from Doidge by any chance?"
"Nuh, nuh, nuh no."
"What the hell is wrong with you then?"
"I..i..i..in the two years I've been here you've never asked that before. G..g..generally you insult me as soon as you walk in the door. I didn't even know you were here. Are you going to hurt me?" He asked worriedly.
Michael chewed that over for a while.
"Interesting question Luke. Hurting you is an option that's always on the table. You can bet it's going to happen at some point. Why do you ask knowing that I take pleasure in hitting you, drugging you and pretty much making your life as miserable as possible."
"You've drugged me?" Luke asked horrified.
"Oh yes. Frequently in fact. I've got at least half a dozen video clips of you, smacked off your tits, on my smartphone. I send them to Rachel. She still hasn't divorced you though. Much to my dismay. I especially like the one where you got your cock out and tried to use it to unlock the door. I laugh so much at that every time I watch it. I don't really. It does make me smile slightly. Helps me remember I hate you."
"You're not going to incapacitate me now though?"
Michael gave him an appraising look.
"That depends. Is there a reason that would be inconvenient for you?"
"Yes."
"In that case the odds of you being incapacitated by me have increased exponentially Luke. Spoiling your day is what I live for. I think you're actually starting to enjoy the drugs and the pain and the other drugs, we shall not speak of."
Luke looked way past horrified.
"What do you mean?" He pleaded.
"I said we shouldn't speak of them, so I won't."
"Please tell me I beg you. What other drugs have you given me?"
"Who said I'd given you drugs?"
"You did."
"No I didn't. Are you on drugs?"
Luke's already pale skin turned a delicate shade of grey.
"Oh no. I knew something wasn't right. I'm having a journey aren't I. None of this is real."
"Journey? Oh you mean trip. You think you're tripping balls right now. You're not. I haven't drugged you. Not today anyway. I'm just messing with ya. Doogie, Doidge and I are of the opinion that the best drug combination we've ever used on you is Viagra and Diazepam."
"What? How do you mean?" Luke asked, his face a mask of fear, disgust and terror.
"The Diazepam knocks you out and the Viagra gives you an erection like an iron bar. We get your old tallywacker out and throw donuts or onion rings at it. The onion rings are better when we've got them. Although Doidge did manage to get three donuts on once. Pure skill."
Luke's face twisted into a sickly smile.
"You didn't film that though. Did you?"
"We did as a matter of fact. It got over 25,000 views, 8,000 shares and a four star rating on Yelp. Rachel gave it a five and a glowing review. I think your cock has it's own page on Reddit or Facebook. I forget now. I know it's got a channel on YouTube though."
Luke collapsed into a char and dropped his face into his hands.
"No, no, no, no, no please no. Surely.. I mean she wouldn't ha.... How... I'll burn in hell."
"No you won't Luke. The Falmouth Brethren don't believe in a fiery hell. Hell for your lot is the absence of God's love."
"Not literally. Figuratively. Amy goes on the internet. Under supervision of course. What if she saw it? What must Rachel think?"
"Beyond the great review I've no idea. Because we didn't do any of that. I made it up to victimize you. Apart from the drugs and the donuts and onion rings. Those bits are true. Sometimes you have to make your own entertainment. The trouble is the onion rings vary so much. It makes it that much more difficult to toss them accurately."
Michael mimed throwing a few using varied grips. As for Luke his expression couldn't be defined as relieved. It was more resignation.
"Sister.. My wife Rachel and I are taking Amy to look at the cottages you suggested." Luke paused. "You've done something horrible in them or to them haven't you?"
"No, but thanks for the suggestion. I'll file that away for now. Gives me time to think. So when are you off then?"
His lodger grimaced at his watch.
"I should be on my way shortly."
"Good. I've got something for you."
"Oh dear Lord, please don't."
"Relax. It's an envelope. A thick envelope you mustn't open until after you've viewed the houses. I'd recommend Tregarrick myself. It's got a great back garden and it's only five minutes walk along the footpath to Darcy's and Emma's."
He took the envelope gingerly in two fingers.
"What happens if I open it before we view?" He asked dubiously.
"Flesh eating bacteria is released. It will kill you in a couple of hours as your internal organs liquefy into a thick soup. It's either that or nothing. I forget. If I'm honest I've got no idea what's in there. I know I did have, but a lot's happened since then. It's complicated. So complicated even the straight lines are curved. Just don't open the envelope until after your viewings."
"Okay then."
"I'm going to need you to swear."
The new look was indignation.
"I never swear. I hardly ever say flipping or even gosh."
"I mean on the Bible or the lives of your wife and child, who could do with a little brother or sister you dick. Get your shit sorted."

A Bible was produced, an action that surprised Luke greatly as it wasn't his. He flicked through the pages to ensure this wasn't a well planned ruse on his landlord's part. He then swore an oath not to open the letter until after he'd visited the properties. Once his unwanted guest was on his way Michael turned the grill on. Yes his sudden interest in health had reduced him to grilling things instead of frying them in an inch of fat. Not the bread though and that soaked up enough cholesterol to kill a small town. You had to take your pleasure when and where you could.

It was while he was with Tall Girl that Michael finally worked out what he was feeling. He was feeling at peace. With what he didn't know. His normally agile, but severely twisted, mind refused to even examine this. Sipping lapsang souchong in her living room added to this. Although he'd never felt especially attached to reality, Michael now found himself detached from it in a sense. Although chatting to a woman of well over six feet in height was always dream like. Even though the furniture was of normal size he felt as though he'd stepped into a giants den. She was a stunning woman apart from her height. Recently blonde again, Tall Girl was always a calming presence. Always had been as far as his feeble memory was able to discern. It was possible to intuit that if the world was on fire you'd still be calm if you were with her. She set down her cup and returned to the sewing machine. Another oddity. A woman who read Dostoevsky in Russian who loved working with her hands. Some of the hand stitching she produced was near invisible.

"It's been a long journey hasn't it Michael. Part of which I've enjoyed experiencing with you."
"If you say so."
"Nearing its end as we speak. All that mess of threads you wove coming together at last. The final seam finished. In a way I will miss you. I'll still be happy to see the back of you though. No offense. There are people I've lost who are far more dear to me now and always will be. Your imminent death is necessary I'm afraid. You understand that don't you?"
"Even though I've no idea what you're on about I suppose I do. It feels right. If I'm going to my death why don't I run away? I'm not brave. I'm a coward. Afraid of almost everything you can name. It's a mystery."
"One I'm afraid you will never unravel. You won't be around to. I think you should go now, don't you."
"I will. Thank you for everything Boss Lady... Sorry I meant Tall Girl."
A small smile creased her face.
"Who are you seeing last of all?"
"I think it has to be Stephanie. I've not seen that much of her since she returned. Do you think she'll miss me?"
"I doubt it. You're a pain in the ass Michael. That's because we programmed you like that. To serve a greater purpose you have had to make many sacrifices. The final one is yourself. That was always the way of our ancestors. To appease the gods and to open the way you offer the gods your best. Yours is the ultimate sacrifice now."
"Well I wouldn't say that. Giving up bacon would be the ultimate sacrifice. I'm off to see Jeff. Thanks again."

"It's gonna be just like old times again." Jeff said, his head buried in some kit he was working on.
"Did we have old times?" Michael asked doubtfully.
"That we did mate. We could tell some stories, you and me."
"No we couldn't. You might be able to Jeff, me I'm a blank book with some illegible scrawls in it and critical comments in the margins. I've no idea how or where we met."
"I was born here you tool. We went to school together. Christ we got up to plenty of mischief."
"I think I'm going aren't I. Going and never coming back."
"That you are."
"Will you miss me?"
"Piss off. I never got as much as a Christmas card off you. You called me a dwarf ya prick."
"Darcy told you that did she?"
"No she didn't, but thanks for letting me know how much of a shit you really are. If I never see you again it'll be too soon. Other than that I wish you well."
"You and Darcy, how's that going?"
"Fuck all to do with you, but slowly. There are times I think it's perfect and then I see this look in her eyes. Sort of sad. I want to ask her about it you know. Then I think it's none of my business. Even though it should be."
"Darcy is looking back at her past. There's something there, so terrible to her, that it makes her doubt herself."
"Are you sure?"
Michael puffed.
"I'm not even sure what my own name is. Sometimes I wonder how I ever function. My brain is like cheese. Full of frigging holes. You say we were at school together. I know that's true. I can't remember anything about it. Look I have others I need to... whatever this is I'm doing now with you."
"You popping over to see Sophie?"
"No I see her at work everyday. At least I think that's why she's not on the list."
"Good call. That cheese brain has retained something at least. Don't take this the wrong way Michael but I will be glad to see the back of you. You miserable, sarcastic fuck."
"Aw thanks. I'm really feeling the love. See you around Jeff."

Next on the list were Doogie and Doidge. A last farewell that lasted all of five minutes and involved very little in communication. They were busy. They to would be overjoyed to see the back of him. Paradoxically, with each successive visit and goodbye, Michael was becoming more and more at ease. It felt right. For some reason this had to happen. Everything had its time and everything came to an end. The old making way for the new. It was as he walked to the vicarage that Michael worked out his route was possibly the most circuitous one for him to have used. He was passing Tall Girl's house for the second time. Even as he walked past the pub he could see the curtains twitch. Someone was expecting him. He'd assume it was Steph for now. Her father was out doing his bit for the sick. Hospital visits were all part of his job it seemed. The garden gate had a weird double squeak. One he had to hear again and then for a third time. The front door was opening as he turned. Stephanie stood there somber faced as he walked up the path to her doorstep. Something clicked in his head. Not heard but felt inside his skull.

"Shadow seven. Kappa, delta, tau, four, one. I am here Huntress."
She stepped back and opened the door wide.
"Please do come in Yogi. I've been expecting you."

I would like to nominate @ruth-girl and @buttcoins for the next round (If there is one).