Comedy Open Mic Round 30 (Entry #2): OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 25 - If You See Me Backing Away Slowly Out The Door It's Nothing Personal.

This painting is the work of South African artist Ayanda Mabulu and has caused a bit of a stir. A lot of people find it offensive and a lot of people don't. It's exercising freedom of speech, which Nelson Mandela was all for allegedly. By no stretch of the imagination was Mandela a Nazi. Gandhi was though. Oh he was notorious for dressing up in the Nazi uniforms his friend Hitler sent him. It was all part of his role playing sexual fetish. He'd pretend to be a Nazi storm trooper while his daughter in law and young niece would play Princess Leia out of Star Wars. Then he'd fuck them. Nothing sinister or creepy about that. It's just two consenting adults and a child having incestuous consensual sex. We shouldn't let that, or his massively racist writings, get in the way of putting up statues of him though. Gandhi didn't hate black people. He just thought they were ignorant, stupid, lazy and little better than animals.

Having finally made his way to Kevin's office building, Jake hung around outside for a while. Given the events that had transpired the last time he was here, his proposed action might be considered foolish. Four security guards rendered unconscious, a very expensive Mclaren stolen and the buildings servers hacked. He hadn't done any of that, it was all Doxy. He'd been there though. Despite her assurance, all trace had been removed, he was not convinced. There was also the problem of trying to explain things to Kevin. Having spent so long attempting to tell him, to no avail, that Jake didn't really require counseling, it could be hard going. If the man didn't believe the truth how good would this lie have to be. It would be best not to go into details, as with any lie. Keep it simple and concise.

Hermes was keeping an eye out for anymore disturbances in the time line. Which would provide only a few seconds warning at best. Jake to had been scanning his surroundings all the way here. Nothing untoward to his eyes and Hermes had remained silent. Just the way he liked him. Due to his previous unexpected adventure here, Jake had attempted to keep a low profile. Pacing up and down outside for the last twenty minutes had sunk that without trace. The doorman to the building was watching him like a hawk now. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Having made that man suspicious he would now have to face the consequences. Taking a deep breath, Jake set forth on the ten yard journey to those double doors. Expecting to feel, at any moment, the ice cold hand of the law on his collar. Rather them than the four men Doxy had beaten up. They might want revenge and she wasn't available.

That nothing happened was mildly disappointing. The doorman held the door open, giving Jake a look that indicated he'd been noticed. No alarms went off and no security guards hurled him to the ground for a real good kicking. He took the lift to the top floor without incident. He'd hardly seen anyone so far, and couldn't remember if that was normal or not. Although on the surface he'd been pretty calm when that traffic warden had ceased to exist, the episode had shaken him up. Mostly because it opened up the possibility of other equally disturbing things happening. This place had always produced hallucinations, back when he'd believed he was terminally ill. That meant there was something different about it. Until Jake realized how stupid he'd been. The places where the illusions happened most often were those he visited the most. He was at the door to Kevin's offices. At which point he made another executive decision that would most likely come back to bite him painfully on the ass. Rather than use one of his pre-prepared lies, he'd wing it. Play it by ear.

He knocked softly and entered the waiting area. The receptionist smiled at him. He'd seen her a few times before. On those previous visits he was pretty sure her name tag hadn't read Lollybella Panteuse. The lady was currently on a call while typing something. Jake waited patiently. Trying hard not to think up any other lies. Going freestyle was loosing its appeal right now. He wasn't a spontaneous liar at the best of times. This was already stretching nonexistent skills too far. Lollybella smiled and nodded at him again as her conversation continued. Did she want him to know he could take a seat? The call finally ended.

"Good morning. How can I help you?"
Not a good start. This woman, who looked exactly the same as a woman he'd seen here numerous times didn't know his name.
"I was wondering if it would be possible to see Kevin. If he's not too busy."
"And who might you be?"
"I'm a patient of his. I think they call us clients these days."
"All of his client appointments are spoken for I'm afraid."
"I haven't got an appointment, but I'm definitely a client."
"Would you like an appointment? We can fit you in two weeks from Thursday. Would you prefer to see him morning or afternoon?"
"I'd prefer to see him now thanks. I might not be around in two weeks time."
"They all say that."
"I'd imagine so since the vast majority of his work is with the terminally ill."
"I can put you down on the shortlist for cancellations if you want. We get a lot of those. Most of them don't even have the courtesy to tell us they're dead."
"By any chance are you a fan of Potato Hunter?"
"No. My mother is though. I can't get into it. Why do you ask?"
"I had a hunch."
"You haven't got an appointment. You don't want an appointment. There isn't much I can do for you is there really."
"You could pick up the phone and ask him if he'll see me or go really crazy and walk to his office to ask him in person."
"Sorry. That's not in my job description. I answer the phone and make appointments. That's it."
"Tell you what. I'll just pop through and ask him myself shall I?"
"That's not allowed I'm afraid."
"Ah yes, much as I expected. However is stopping me from doing it part of your job description?"
"I don't think so. Nobody's mentioned it."

That was all Jake needed. He confidently walked towards the door to Kevin's office. On arrival the confidence departed. Knock and wait or knock and enter? Suppose Kevin already had someone in with him. Someone who genuinely needed counseling. Was he doing this for Kevin or to assuage his own conscience? The bad move was rapidly migrating towards disastrous. If he hung around here long enough whoever was in there might come out. No. It was time to be decisive. Choose one option then go with it. It was time for the new him to make his mark. This was it. Time to be a manly man. Jake threw the door open then knocked loudly. Kevin wasn't with anyone fortunately. He sat at his desk, mouth wide open and sandwich half way to being bitten into. In that moment Jake understood he'd made a huge mistake here. This would not go well. It had all the hallmarks of being a monumental fuck up. That wasn't going to deflect him from his pointless task. Like any other manly man he would play this right up to the hilt. No matter how far off target he was. Kevin put down the sandwich, wiping his fingers on a tissue.

"Hi Kevin. Sorry to disturb you. Have you got a minute?"
"You're not dead? I thought you were dead. I've even started the paperwork. Dr Henderson will be very disappointed."
Right so Jake's consultant was a doctor and not a mister, not that it made much difference now. This could be a very convenient way out of a sticky situation.
"I'm not dead. It's something else I've come to talk to you about. You might have noticed I haven't been to group or our last couple of sessions. I thought you were owed an explanation."
"I already had an explanation. I thought you were dead. I'm going to look like a right idiot now. Building up people's hopes needlessly."
"Sorry about that. Perhaps I should have called to let you know. Hello Kevin it's Jake, I'm still not dead. Or you could have got your receptionist to call me to check."
"It's not in her job description I'm afraid. You not being dead will cause me some problems you know."
"There's not a lot I can do about that."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm absolutely certain I'm not dead Kevin and I'll rephrase my previous statement. There's not a lot I'm prepared to do to alter that. If I think of something I'll let you know."
"I'm going to have to reopen your file now. That's a lot of work. The system doesn't like people who come back from the dead. There's a lot of paperwork involved."
"I can imagine. Anyway Kevin. Let's stick a pin in the enormous pain my survival is placing upon you for a moment. Not that it matters now I suppose, but I'm here to tell you I won't be coming back ever again. Not to our counseling sessions or group. I've decided to move on."
The atmosphere changed radically. Christ he'd been right. Kevin was a crier. His counselor sobbed with anguish. Turned away, hiding his face from view.
"Is it something I've said?"
"No. I've just..."
"Is it something I've done?"
"Of course not. You haven't done anything to drive me away. It's just that I've taken stock of my life and I think it's time for both of us to move on."
"Is it me?"
"It's nothing to do with you Kevin. I think we both understand this was going nowhere. We were stuck in a rut merely going through the motions."
"You've found someone else haven't you."
Well this was a surprise. Things had taken an unexpected turn at some point. Jake hadn't noticed the increasing slope towards insanity in time to avoid sliding into it.
"Excuse me? Are we really going to do this? The whole bit?"
"After all I've done for you the least you can do is tell me who it is."
"Oh fuck. Yes we are. Here goes. It's not you Kevin, it's me."
"Is it another woman? I know Julia has had an eye on you for a while. Is it her?"
"Julia? No it's not Julia. There is no one else involved apart from you and me. I promise I'm not leaving you for another therapist. These things happen. Things grow stale. People change."
"Not this much. I thought you were happy with me."
"Well I wouldn't be as extreme as happy, but we got on alright."
Kevin choked with emotion.
"Alright? After all the things I've done for you? All of that was only alright. I don't even think I know you anymore."
"You have mentioned that before. All the things you've done for me. Without providing a list of what they actually were."
"I cared about you. I looked after you. I was always there whenever you needed someone to talk to. To share your troubles."
"And that bit was brilliant. The caring and listening bits, I cannot fault you on. You thought I was dead five minutes ago. That didn't affect you one little bit."
"That was different. I didn't know you'd been seeing someone else behind my back."
"I haven't. There is nobody else involved here. It's about you and me. I'm not going from you to another therapist. Although after this conversation I probably should."
"Oh that's right. Make a joke out of it. I thought we had something special together."
"You thought wrong Kevin."
"You've used me until you got bored and now you're moving on."
"No I didn't and yes I am."
"Are they bigger than me?"
"Aw come on. That doesn't even make sense."
"Are they better than me?"
"Right. Okay. Just to let you know. If you see me backing away slowly out the door it's nothing personal. I'm moving on. That's it in a nutshell. Those three words should have been all I really needed to say. Look I understand I've made a bit of a mess here that you'll have to clean up. Tell you what you have my permission to not bring me back from the dead. Don't bother with all that paperwork. Just leave it."
"What would I tell Dr. Henderson? He's preparing to requisition your body. He's going to be really upset with me."
"Not my problem Kevin. If it's any help he's a doctor. He's got no idea what I look like. All I am to him is a set of symptoms and a medical chart. Any old cadaver would do I expect."
"You're just saying that."
"Yes I am. I'm making this up as I go along. It's not a situation anyone prepares for. Tell him I emigrated. It was my dying wish if you like."
"Where to?"
"I'll let you decide that. Now, are you going to be alright? Not that I care and in hindsight I withdraw that question. Oh shit."
Kevin had leaped out of his chair to hug him. Long and hard. Longer and harder than any therapist should hug a former client slash patient.
"I'll miss you Jake. Will you miss me?"
"Not in the slightest. I will however take the memory of this conversation to my grave and possibly well beyond. You can let go now if you like. I'll see myself out. If you'll just release me. I swear if you kiss me there will be blood."
Jake had to manually extricate himself from what had all the properties of a death grip. Once he had he smiled at Kevin as he slowly withdrew through the office door. Hurriedly shutting it as soon as he could. That had been something. Exactly what was impossible to say. Things were a blur after that. Until Jake once more stood outside the building.
"How did it go? Not that I'm interested." Hermes asked.
"Not well. Not well at all. Didn't you listen in?"
"I'm not allowed to. It's in my core program. I can hear what you hear, but I'm not allowed to notice it. Except in certain circumstances."
"You've been watching Potato Hunter haven't you."
"Twelve episodes simultaneously. The scripts gone off the boil and the cast are phoning it in. I'm still hooked though."
"Lets get home shall we. I need a strong drink and a lie down after that. One things for sure I'm never going to do anything like that again."
"That bad was it?"
"Far worse. My former therapist is fucking nuts."

I would like to nominate @shteev0 and @punchline for the next round.