Comedy Open Mic Round 39 (Entry - I don't know. 3?): OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 77 - I'm On About My Last Nerve Thanks.

I ARE CONFUSED. Is it still round 39? I was expecting round 40, up until now it was always the number that came after 39. Then something changed and it wasn't my underpants I can assure you. There's plenty of wear left in these. I've only had them on for six weeks. Is this all part of the progressive thing? So now 39 identifies as 40? Or do I mean 40 is identifying as 39? I don't know. I'm old, change scares me. That's why I always pay the exact amount whenever I use cash. Where did it all go wrong? I don't even know what I'm supposed to do other than continue churning out this crap. It's been a very tough week for me already. Given that for two days I was a multi-billionaire, then suddenly I became poor again. While I have no objections to receiving money for nothing I resent loosing it for nothing. I'm complicated, as my hostages will confirm. They know what will happen if they don't. Now I'm going to have to send all the hookers and drugs back. Have you any idea how hard it is to repackage half a dozen call girls? Or unsnort 4 kilos of pure coke. This is going to cost me a small fortune in bubble wrap and tape, that's for sure. I dimly remember one of the rounds was two weeks long and we were allowed to produce five entries each. I'm seeing entries from hours ago that are for round 39. Did I miss a meeting? That's entirely plausible given my blackouts. So anyway I'm labeling this round 39 although it may be round 40. I hope my fan will understand this and that his mother gets better soon. He's only five and there's a strong chance he could shortly become an orphan, if the ransom money doesn't arrive on time. Oh and it better. I'm not giving them any more extensions to the deadline. I urgently need bubble wrap and tape money, those Colombian's don't fuck about. So on with even more nonsense, poorly disguised as a Syence Friction Riting Novelizating Phantasy.

(The copyright to this image is the property of Textures.)

The fork, loaded with food was half way to his open mouth when she said it. It stayed there. Freeze framed by her revelation, A revelation that had no right to be produced over the breakfast table. Jake's mind played through his possible responses. Only to discover he didn't have any to hand. Apart from being frozen. He needed to stall for time. As long as he didn't make eye contact with Pip he'd be able to get himself out of this with no permanent harm done. Apart from the deep scars to his psyche. Oh shit. He'd made eye contact. Those big baby blues were looking at him with concern.

"Are you alright?" She asked.
"What? Sorry. I was miles away there. My mind on other things."
"So what were you thinking about?"
No this couldn't be happening. He still hadn't come up with an suitable response to her announcement. Now Jake had to fabricate a reply at short notice. Knowing that he couldn't say he was thinking about her. With that one ruled out he was lost. Now there was some frantic thinking back to all the other times women had asked him what he was thinking about. The times when he'd rolled out the old lie "I was thinking about you". Only due to the pressure he was putting on himself he couldn't remember.
"Baby pigeons!" He exclaimed loudly. "Why do you never see baby pigeons?"
"Because they're in nests high up on cliffs or in trees is my guess. That way they can better avoid predators."
"That's a really good theory. Now what did you say again?"
Holy shit having escaped from the lions den he'd only thrown himself back in.
"I said I'm still a virgin."
He'd had a brain wave. Or an aneurysm. It was impossible to say at this point. He forced a huge fork full of scrambled eggs and hash browns into his mouth. So much he couldn't chew. Then he slowly moved it around his mouth until he could. Before patiently chewing the food until it was capable of being swallowed without dislocating his neck.
"I'm flattered that you feel comfortable enough to share that with me Pip. It gives me a warm feeling inside... Not the fact you're a virgin. That you were willing to share that with me. The warm feeling has nothing to do with virgins. It's about trusting me with that deeply personal information."
Damn. That was some fine work. Considering the pressure he'd been under. Sufficiently neutral and nonjudgmental. Although strictly speaking he couldn't really be judgmental about a 14 year old being a virgin.
"Don't worry I wasn't offering myself to you. I want my first time to be with someone special."
Which was both mature and faintly insulting. Not in the sense he wanted her cherry of course. More in the sense that he wasn't special. Oh God he was the worst kind of creep possible. He could give that Jean-Pierre guy tips on being an asshole. Ah well. In for a penny. There was no way he could make this worse. Surely there couldn't be?
"Why did you tell me?" Oh yes that's why he shouldn't have said that. Funny how good his hindsight was in hindsight.
"I know how weird and freaky you get about anything to do with nakedness and sex."
He'd leave that. Different universe, different morals. Not like his own where he'd lost his virginity at 17 to a much older woman who'd taken pity on his complete lack of social skills. While she was drunk. He couldn't decide whether the worst bit was her falling asleep half way through or the fact he couldn't recall her name.
"So what's on the agenda for today Pip?" Back on much safer ground. He hoped. "Or aren't you allowed to tell me in case it buggers up the time line."
Now it was her turn to be miles away. Except in her case it wasn't entirely fictional.
"I can't decide. I'd have liked it to be either Doxy or Margaret. Now I'm not so sure." She stood up and took her dishes and cup to the synthesizer's disposal unit. Where it could in theory end up as being food next time.
Did she want advice? Pip was being reflective here. Exploring her burgeoning sexuality. As was her right. Only he wished she was exercising it somewhere else. As far as advice went she was barking up the wrong tree here.
"Ah. It's a conundrum isn't it. What about that Time Agent then? That was a.. nasty surprise and no mistake."
"I could go for someone with male attributes but I've never met a man or intergendered person I found to my taste. Although there was a hermaphrodite in New Madrid I had some hot dreams about."
Fuck. Was this never going to end?
"Do they do sports here? It's funny I'm usually not one for watching sports. Never played any to be honest. All of a sudden I feel the urge to watch a sport. Of any description. Even athletics would do. Chess tournaments? I can't play that either. You have to think so many moves ahead. I might even give Potato Hunter another go. I don't think I gave it enough of a chance. I expect once I get a few hundred episodes in Sasquahelenatch might grow on me."
Two people in two unrelated conversations at the same time. Just like old times.
"What are you on about?" Pip demanded her reverie broken.
"I'm on about my last nerve, thanks for asking. Let's get down to planning our day." He'd forced so much enthusiasm into that it might burst. "Do you need to be anywhere?"
Pip cocked her head giving him a quizzical look.
"Obviously not. I'm here. I'm here and I don't even need to be here. I've got to be somewhere so it might as well be here. Are you trying to get rid of me? Because if you are you don't need to be subtle about it. Tell me and I'll get out of your way."
He was the villain again. Jake blamed Hermes. The bastard had been quiet ever since he'd woken Jake up before Pip came to and complicated matters with nudity.
"No. If you remember I don't know anything about the plan I allegedly came up with. It having been removed from my memory in a process that has definitely caused major brain damage. It's not my fault I'm like this. I need routine in order to maintain my equilibrium. Up until quite recently my routine involved getting up, having a coffee and my breakfast then doing bugger all for the rest of the day. Now I've put up with the need for me to not know anything that would make things a whole lot easier for me. All I want to know is, do you have to do anything to further the plan. As in be somewhere to see someone at a specific time and place."
Under the circumstances he'd been very reasonable there. Given his main priority was extricating himself from Pip's ruminations on potential sexual partners, he'd been almost diplomatic.
"My instructions were to wait here until I'm contacted. So what do you think?"
"Next question please."

It took some time and a cunning ruse to extricate himself from Pip's clutches. It was a small stroke of genius on his part. If only he'd thought of it much earlier. It was so brilliantly simple in the end. Movies had been his savior again. When TV series had failed him. All this time he'd been cursing the fact none of his comedic references had worked with anyone he'd encountered here. Forgetting that if they had no idea what he was talking about he could use these same films and series to his own benefit by plagiarizing the fuck out of them. Nobody would know he was stealing all his lines from stuff he'd seen. This could well create the template by which he navigated his way through this strange new world. A movie he'd never seen due to it's crappy reviews as it happened. All he had to do was hope that the data he'd given Grundel didn't include those movies he stole from. It was a risk, but the chances were that even if those movies had been part of the data dump no one he met would have seen them. It was a great flash of inspiration though. Remembering The 40 year Old Virgin sooner would have saved him a lot of trouble. All done and dusted now. Hermes had been too quiet for too long.

"So Hermes." He commenced blowing his own trumpet. "What did you think of my "I'm a virgin to" gambit? Pretty good wasn't it eh."
"Eminently believable. It was a lie you didn't even need to sell. One look at you and it leaps straight to the front of the mind. That guy definitely hasn't had any." Hermes quipped.
Not the response he'd expected. Which given their relationship was stupid of him. The only thing that mattered right now was that she'd swallowed it. Pip wouldn't be looking to him for any advice on sexual matters for the foreseeable future.
"Oh no. Now I feel guilty for lying to her."
"You were lying?"
"Shut up. You know I was. I've had less than my fair share of women, but way more than one. Reviewing that sentence I find it to be misogynist. So now I feel guilty about that as well. Do you think I should have been more supportive? I know she wasn't expecting me to help her find the perfect partner. I think all she needed was a bit of reassurance. Do you know if there are any rules about the age of consent in this place."
"I would expect so." His internal guardian supplied. "Only they won't have been used for hundreds of years. There's nobody here less than five or six hundred years old. Work it out. Preventing teen pregnancies is not an issue. Particularly given no children have been born here for that same period of time. Generally it works on informed consent. Most things here do. As long as you're fully informed and agree to something it can be done without breaking any laws or codes. You can always reverse it anyway."
Jake stopped cleaning his shotgun. Only he hadn't been cleaning it he'd been stroking it with a cloth. That brought up some uncomfortable phallic associations.
"You can reverse loosing your virginity? How the hell do they do that?"
"Asks the man who had a few hours of his memory removed with a homemade brain analyzer. They can remove all the physical evidence to you idiot. Both parties have the memories excised. You don't need dual consent for that. Either party can insist on it."
"Don't call me an idiot."
"Why not?"
"Good point." Jake admitted. "Although you're a virgin as well. So you've no room to talk."
"I've got a good excuse. Not having a body makes doing anything physical or sexual problematic. Once you fulfill your promise to rent me one for a few hours I'll very quickly put that right believe me. I'm bisexual as well. That pretty much triples the odds in my favor."
He had to think about that one for a while.
"I see what you mean. Men are generally averse to turning down any chance of sex. Mind you I wouldn't class you as bisexual Hermes. You're trisexual. You'll try anything. Lol, get it?"
"Did you just say lol?" Hermes riposted in disgust.
"I did. I'm sorry. I promise it will never happen again. I'm releasing all my pent up stress. I know that's no excuse."
"It's too late the damage has already been done. Hold on I'm picking up something."
Jake waited for the rest of his bulletin. To no avail.
"Hermes? Are you still there?"
The voice he heard inside his head was female.
"Indeed he is Jake Halliday. Only you aren't."

I would like to nominate @etherpunk and @doctorcrypto for the next round. Should there be one.