An Epic Heartwarming Tribute To Two Great Steemians: @dandesign86 & @damira - Comedy Open Mic Week 17 (#1)

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago (edited)

This is an inspiring true story (roast) about COM's very own @dandesign86 and how he met his lovely wife, @damira.

Enjoy the show!

Please see his recent family tree. Yes, it's a little confusing. They adopted, and his cousin on the right is really kinky.


Let's go back to the beginning...

Thousands of years ago, Dan's ancestors arrived and built the pyramids. The instructions were difficult, so it took a few hundred years to make them, until they got bored of the design and relocated the family to Sweden.


I'll save the boring stuff about how his family fostered the first humans to build wood structures, start the industrial revolution, and invent the shoulder carry bag that doubles as a laundry bag. Let's just fast forward to his renowned Grandfather, @standesign43, founder of IKEA.

Yes, IKEA was founded in 1943, and Dan and I were the only Steemians who knew this IKEA trivia fact until now. Don't worry, I won't share the secret Swedish meatball family recipe just yet.


Back to business. Unfortunately, these skills weren't passed along in his genes because he bombed his interview for his dream position at the family company. IKEA has a no-nepotism policy if you can't build their standard chair in 3 minutes.


They'll never forgive you, Dan. You were the chosen one!!


As a result, Dan had to eat at McDonald's to save money while founding his own design company, IKEYA. This didn't go over well with the family, but Dan was sick of living life by the manual.

At IKEYA, he had visions of furniture that didn't need particle board pegs or odd shaped allen keys, of bunk beds three levels high, and arm chairs that could convert into both leg chairs and/or a sleeper sofa for a family of 4??? Yes, Dan most definitely trips on mushrooms when at the drawing board.

At this critical juncture, this is exactly where he met his lovely wife at 4am, @damira, while he was pondering blueprint designs over two Big Macs on his portable monochrome tabletop prototype.

Mcd.JPG

It was a huge culture shock to her, but Dan was the true heir to IKEA, so she had to suck it up and help him get back in their good graces. She knew she'd have to give up her penchant for luxury furniture, but he'd make it up to her with stays at fancy hotels (seemingly every other week per their blogs).

Upon news of Dan meeting his other half, and after @damira's clandestine meeting with IKEA's board of directors, his family decided to take him back through a hostile stock takeover (oops, did I let that one slip?).

Dan was hired as an executive and given an enormous salary, pending that he passed the 3-minute chair building exam, and re-certified every 6 months.

This just shows you that nothing is set in stone... It's set in processed wood, which can be easily assembled and disassembled, until the sliding tracks on the drawers break and you need to try to glue them back on because the wood has become too stripped for the screws to stay in anymo... COUGH... oh crap, sorry about my rant.


Back to the fairy tale ending...

Once they moved back to Sweden, they had a space-efficient wedding precisely where they'd be spending most of their free time as a married couple anyway. As expected, the altar was custom made at IKEA by his Mom, @frandesign59, and built by hand with love for the special occasion. Most notably, @papa-pepper was a groomsman.


Their wedding portrait, posted on #colorchallenge Blue Friday.


Their registry was obviously only at IKEA, and the guests slept in bunk beds they had to build themselves after the ceremony. Oh, and of course, Swedish meatballs were served.

Here's that secret family recipe I promised wouldn't share before (loophole).


To dovetail this amazing love story with a "Happy" ending (+1,000,086 points for using their dog's actual name in the pun, payable by STEEM or resteem), they adopted their amazing dog, who lives with them in this efficient IKEA convertible dog house.


The end!

After a rough patch, this marks my return to COM. Hope you enjoyed. I'm off to McDonald's to try my luck, or most likely just drown my sorrows in some bacon* egg** and cheese*** breakfast sandwiches...

*allegedly
**probably
***not a chance

Nominating @steemmike and @bentheredonethat until they stop ignoring me.

@steemmatt

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Haha Im still at work here and came across this post! MAN I JUST LAUGHED SO HARD lol. Every joke is a punchline headliner if you ask me . Im gonna share this with Damira, i think she will pee her pants.

I vote pee

Hehe you were right

Has she seen it yet or is she still buried in flowers and anniversary gifts, and needs help?

She saw it and laughed hard as well, especially the nice photoshopped pic of happy in the drawer with the thought 💭 bubble - classic !

Welcome back.

Thank you. I just sent you some Steem with the memo "payment to fix the judges". Looking forward to the results of the contest.

daem the chicks are getting hotter in McDonald since @dandesign86 started coming around

not sure if @sexymatty is like a investigative reporter on shrooms or a well researched perverse stalker

How dare you suggest that I did shrooms when writing this??!! This post was ALL. NATURAL.

perverse stalker extraordinaire it is

This would explain why, as the civilisation "advanced" it's pyramid construction techniques declined.
UPVOTE INSTRUCTIONS:
Please explain, using only poor grammar, an allen key and a mystery tool (not included), how my upvote creates real world value (In 10 words or less).
Peace.

Ur upvotational instructs did me dizzy. Thanks not.

lol epic...will be something to read at a future anniversary celebration

Great idea, thank you. I originally wrote half an entry for another idea last night, but said "screw it, you can't go wrong with a Dan and IKEA spoof".

On a funny, but true side note, it was mine and Damira wedding anniversary yesterday (3 years), and another interesting fact is that in the picture of the owner the drawer and the chair he is holding is designed by my grandpa.

I had no idea. 1 in a 365 day chance. The post started as an IKEA joke, but evolved into an accidental anniversary gift when trying to find pictures to roast with. Happy Anniversary + Steemit = @damira posting another lavish hotel/beach post with flowers annnny minute now.

If your grandpa had his design stolen by IKEA, can I get 2% of the settlement from the lawsuit you'll be filing against IKEA as a finder's fee for the evidence?

lol good to follow your hunches

i agree

This part of the Kotbullar or however you write it disturbs me...

Where am i going to find 4 horses?!

Screen Shot 2018-06-10 at 9.57.43 AM.png

Good work @steemmatt , i like your story

Happy earning @steemmatt

You forgot about the fabulous basement with shelving from the actual store and pallets of plates and silverware.

I know IKEA. IKEA is engaged in furniture. IKEA has entered my country, I have seen IKEA ads on TV. The products from IKEA are good.
Have a good day @steemmatt

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