Yesterday’s Asshole of the Day at Conquest Comics

As a kid I worked retail for years at my local comic shop and hardware store. As a teen and into my mid 20’s, I waited tables at Outback Steakhouse and was head waiter at a fancy and exclusive Country Club. I tended bar for years, and I’ve currently had my own retail business for 11 years so it’s safe to say that I’ve run into my fair share of impossible people during my shifts. The majority of folks I’ve encountered are really cool...buuuuuut....Some people are super picky. Some are a bit too demanding and expect the world. Some people...are just plain ol’ assholes!

So I’m at my shop yesterday...organizing and restocking some toys. It’s a normal day at this point and I had a young couple there browsing and shopping. I’m thankful for them as the 3 of us had a good laugh/vent session after the next 2 dickheads walked in. Now I did not know they were dickheads immediately but it only took a few seconds to realize.

As they entered, I greeted them as I do any and everyone that enters my shop. A form of “Hey guys, how ya doing? If ya have any questions just lmk.” To which they just ignored 100%. Fine...no biggie. Happens all the time. Then the older of the 2 dickheads shouts out, “What’s Your Hours Here?”. To which I reply, “Oh, let me get you a card as our hours are printed on the back.” Except I didn’t get to finish as I was cut off by him midway with this gem. “Or do you just make them up as you go along in your little shop?”

Cool...I thought to myself. Be Cool.

“No...we are a real business with actual established hours to conduct said business.” was my actual reply to which he just shook his head and answered “oh yeah?”

“Yup...we’ve been here over 12 years now.” I countered, wanting to just get away from this walking scrotum at this point. But of course he has to get the last word with “Ooohhh, 11 whole years?!?” as he expressed his false excitement like the obnoxious disappointment he is.

So I just walked away. Why bother...I’ve dealt with plenty of self important dickbag’s like this one before. Maybe if I ignored...he’d just go away.

NOT. A. CHANCE.

So these 2 gems waltz up the isle next to where I’m at. This is an isle that showcases our wall books. Basically some cool and notable books that are fast movers or of notable importance. I hear elder fuckhead babbling to baby fuckhead, “$750 dolllars for that?!? I have that! Nobody is buying that for $750 dollars!”

I know exactly which book he’s talking about without even looking and while you can get copies for cheaper, there are also some that are more expensive. Depends on a ton of factors...but mainly condition. Here are a bunch of examples of this book recently selling for over $750.

So Team Dickless rounds the corner and approach me. Soon to be dead man shouts, “That book is worth $750 dollars?!? I have one! So you’ll give me $750 dollars for mine?!?” To which I reply, “Well it all depends on condition but I wouldn’t be a very good businessman if I bought an item for $750 dollars that I’m trying to sell for $750 dollars. Right?”

That’s when Cuntbag McGillicuddy turns to his young padwan and says, “See?!? I told you he wouldn’t buy it. It’s only worth what someone’s willing to pay for it and he won’t pay me $750 dollars for mine!”

I just ignored his response and wished him a painful death in my head over and over. I actually think I got a bit of a boner thinking of his demise in a fiery car wreck. I dunno...

All I knew was that this guy was the most obnoxious waste of oxygen that has entered my shop in quite some time and I wanted him gone. So as I was envisioning him falling into a wood chipper, he shouted from across the shop, “How much are your statues?!?”.

Now I want to be clear about something. About just how insanely fucking stupid of a question this truly is!!! We house over 1200 different statues in our shop. All from various collectibles companies...different sizes and from all different walks of life. I’ll even show you below so you can get a clearer example. Here are some shots of some of our statues.

Now maybe I’m the idiot here...I dunno. But to me, those words that came out of his thin lipped crooked ass toothed gross mouth, would be the equivalent of me sitting down at a restaurant and asking the server, “How much is the food?!?”, or asking a realtor, “How much are the houses?!?”, or just about any place of business and asking the most vague and mindblowingly stupid question to the person in charge.

So I let this process for a second and decide to not stoop to his level. Instead I answer honestly with, “Well we have over 1200 statues here and they range in price from $50 dollars to upwards of $5000 dollars.”. I still hoped he was the “victim” of a deadly home invasion that evening but that’s besides the point.

This obnoxious cuck then interjects with, “So you don’t know the prices of each piece off hand...huh?” To which I smile and reply, “Try me”.

He walks over to a big ass expensive Venom statue and points. I tell him “That’s $1000 dollars” To which he immediately replies with “Take $800?”. I just stared at him and shouted “No!” with such disdain and disapproval. He muttered something to the baby scrotum and they walked out of the shop...hopefully into oncoming traffic.

I was so enraged at this piece of shit. They had zero intention of having this be a productive visit to my shop. That wrinkly ball bag of a human just wanted to come into my shop and be disrespectful, and insult me and my shop in multiple ways. He was aggressive and completely disruptive. Let alone one of the most obnoxious people I’ve ever had come into my store.

After he left, the couple that was in there approached me and the wife kinda looked at me like “yikes!”. I asked if she heard Tweedle Dee & Dum and she said she heard everything and couldn’t believe it. She said at one point she ran over and grabbed her husband as he wasn’t paying attention as she felt he needed to hear.

She also told me that at one point, the miserable fuck went up to our signs by the statues that state we have cameras rolling and that request people to not touch the statues...she said this asslicker flicked the sign with his veiny digit multiple times, poked a statue, and looked up at the eye in the sky while making a “ooooohhhh” sound and dancing. Basically taunting the camera. Now the truly unfortunate part is I had the cameras off during his visit as it was rebooting due to an issue. I wish to high heaven that I had that on camera as I would have loved to have seen this sack of shit doing that. Ya win some...ya lose some.

The only thing that makes me happy about this is knowing that when I tell this story or look back on this in the future...chances are that this old zilch will most likely be dead...and that brings a warming smile to my mug.

Blewitt