Diary Entry - Fri 10th Aug

tezmel (66)in #deardiary • 6 years ago (edited)

I am in a reflective mode. My mind is entangled up with responsibilities, school (exams in two months and I ain't studying enough), confusion and gratitude all at the same time. I get that may sound like being human but not when it's this overwhelming.

*Responsibilities...

I am the eldest of three and a mother of three... Too much is expected from me. The annoying reality is this weighs my generous soul down and I am still so unstable so it's harmful. Sometimes I wonder how my favorite girl managed such rough tides.

Next year school will definitely cripple me. I need over 3000 US dollars to keep all four of us (me and my children) in school at the same time the entire year. How the fuck am I supposed to raise that? Sometimes I think my brain will shut down.

*School...

Where do I even start? I am two months away from sitting for my finals. Something I put on hold for two decades yet here I am messing with it. How can I be this good at procrastinating? I feel so helpless and useless at times. Right now is one of those times.

*Confusion...

I mean. So so much is happening and has happened to me and the people around me that have forced my neurons to shift in ways I never thought they would and in time so coalesced that it's still so hard to believe. Death has tasted my fear twice this year and somehow I feel so responsible for both times an early grave came calling.

I have realized a woman who has been a family friend is one of the inmates in my 'Beyond the Sentence' project class. She was condemned to death earlier this year for murder charges. I will pen her story when I have the strength to ask what transpired between her and her late husband. She has two masters... anger is not a respecter of education.

Still on confusion... The person I am discovering myself is definitely weirder. I am going into myself more than I was before. Slowly dealing with my pain but as I do that my true self, keeps surfacing and sometimes shocking who I have been for the most part of my life. I have learned things I am not yet ready to admit to the world but slowly trying to digest myself more.

*Gratitude...

I am a little depressed over how I will survive August or handle anything in next year but yet still so grateful that I am experiencing any of it. I walked out of a burning house, yoh! It's good to be fucking here.

Beyond the sentence also matters. A youth summit about education I am attending for two days next week also does. My opportunity to work with @eye4art adds on. My efforts on Steemit is another plus. Something I started for my youngest sister with my last savings is picking up. Above all, my relationship with two pieces of my immortal soul is working out fine... I am in the clouds.