It Is ALL Thought Created!

in #depression5 years ago


It's Raining And I'm Happy-ish


Phew. Thank goodness that's over!

I've been suffering from a low mood since my return from Devon in February which, overall had been getting worse and worse.

In the past I've suffered from clinical depression. Sometimes it went on for years. But I thought I'd reached a point in my life where I was truly over it. These last few months, however, I've not been able to shake off the low moods and, whatever it was I thought I'd learned that helped in the past, seemed to have disappeared.

These past couple of weeks it's been hard to get out of bed and last Monday (a holiday here in the UK) I stayed there most of the day, reading a novel. Not in a 'treating myself relaxing day off kind of way' but because I needed to escape and the book took me out of my head. I just wanted to be unconscious.

Yesterday morning I hit rock bottom, telling a friend, amidst copious tears, that unbelievably the depression was back and I was feeling so dreadful that, if I believed antidepressants worked, I'd be back to the doctors like a shot.

I didn't understand how it had happened and I wanted, more than anything, for it to be gone.


hanging on.png

Harold Lloyd in Safety Last

I was hanging on by my fingernails.

I felt powerless to do anything about it and the mantra that seemed to work until recently, "I know it will pass", no longer seemed believable.

I continued my day, wading through treacle or sitting at the bottom of a deep, black hole.

And then, I woke this morning, to the sound of rain. It was a relief. No need to pretend I was happy because the sun was shining. No added pressure. Just the comforting tap, tap, tap against my window pane and the soft greyness to envelop me.

And as I lay there the thought came to me that I wasn't depressed. I was experiencing depressive feelings but what is essentially me hadn't changed. And I was able to reconnect with the truth that these feelings come and go as my thoughts come and go.

I am not in charge of what thoughts come into my head. They are only a problem when I believe them or fight and try to control them.

I've been believing some pretty shitty stuff about myself lately and then beating myself up for thinking it and piling more negativity upon more negativity. No wonder I was feeling so bad.

But, I'm happy to say, it has passed now.

It's hard to put into words exactly what shifted but it wasn't something I did. It was more of a remembering. An "oh yes. These feelings really are generated by thought. They come and go and they are not me."

I'm still feeling a bit wobbly but at least I'm out of the hole and the path is opening up again.


path through the trees.jpg

Wishing you all a wonder full day!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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Tough place to be, never know when any of us are going to find ourselves there. Glad you found your way out :)

Yep. I'm so glad the worst of it is over.

Looking forward to seeing you at the weekend. 😍

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