When Mindfulness Hurts - Cultivating Meditation on Combat PTSD

I first learned mindfulness through traditional martial arts practice, which I began when I was about 10 years old. Later, I discovered Buddhism, and learned to combine the practices of martial arts and mindfulness as an expression of compassion and community. My goal was to increase my empathy for others as a means of cultivating peace and interpersonal connection. Then I started reading the works of Thich Nhat Hanh, and I discovered and practiced even greater levels of awareness in the mindfulness tradition, with the help of local monasteries.

The concept and term “moral injury” was developed by Dr. Jonathan Shay after many years of work with veterans suffering from combat PTSD. One can have PTSD without having suffered a moral injury, but if one has suffered a moral injury, one likely has PTSD. This is reflected in Dr. Shay’s explanation that “moral injury is present when (1) there has been a betrayal of what’s right (2) by someone who holds legitimate authority (3) in a high-stakes situation.” The definition of “legitimate authority” has been further developed and refined by a variety of medical providers.

It has been my experience that modern warfare mandates, or at least commonly practices, an “othering” of the enemy. This is not a new concept, but I can verify its existence through my own history. My psychological and physiological adaptations to constant violence aside, the pain I feel is a direct result of actions taken which are contrary to my morality. That morality is pretty common and uncomplicated. So, when I finally took the time to stack up my experiences against this shared morality through mindfulness, my entire professional existence hit back at me with the force of an emotional tsunami, until my mind shut it down and I retreated to my usual calloused state. This new pain was the reason I had numbed myself for so long with booze and sex and more work. I had been ignoring the pain because I knew I was somehow causing it by acting against my better nature, and against the human needs of others. In other words, I had to ignore the well-being of others to continue to do the work to which I was accustomed. When I allowed myself the opportunity to recognize that, I collapsed. Painful as this moment was, it gave me hope.

This is a very important article because it doesn't misrepresent meditation. Most of the time I see meditation taught like it is some drug or workout that is going to make you happy and help you manage your psychological issues. That is like representing sleep as lying around without doing anything with your eyes closed. It's not completely untrue. But there is a lot more to the story.

The first thing meditation does is it reveals you and the world and its hidden truths. What you see may not be to your liking. Becoming enlightened is akin to a rebirth of a phoenix. In less fantastical terms, it is like pulling out a spike from your body. Pulling out is going to be a lot more painful that keeping it inside.

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