Letters of admiration ~Drop in the Ocean: Admiration

“Hello…”

“Hi, hi Mark?”

“Hi, this is Mark… Mom?”

“Hi, yes. How are you son?”

“I am doing well, thank you Mom. How are you?”

“I am doing well also. I just wanted to call and say hi.”

“Then you succeeded, you already said hi.” Mark says with a cheeky laugh.

“Hey, Hey…” Jennifer responds in a stern voice, “You are never too old for a hiding young man.”

“Haha, and who will be giving me a hiding?” Mark laughs jokingly.

“Don’t let me come over there and show you.” Jennifer tries to say sternly before breaking out into a laugh herself.

“I get the tea ready so long,” Mark replies with his laugh trailing off.

In a distant reminiscing voice Jennifer replies: “Yes, we do need to have a nice visit. It has been too long my boy. Now, really how are you doing?”

In his best reassuring voice, Mark answers: “ I am doing well Mom, I got a new job and there is this girl…”

Unable to control her excitement Jennifer shrieks “Oooh, a girl and a new job. I only hear about this now? No, wait. Tell me, tell me everything!..”

Mom.

Can I just say how weird it is to be writing with a pen and paper, no backspace makes you really think consider your words more carefully for one thing.

Thank you so much for the call yesterday, it made me so happy to be able to talk without any problems messing anything up. It honestly has been going well for me, as I told you on the phone. I have found somewhat of a balance and I am much better at handling things. I know I told you all of this yesterday. I just want to assure you that I am truly happy.

I think that made you feel much better, hearing that I am finally doing well?

It really was great getting to talk about life and everything with you. Like two old ladies chattering :) I know it would seem out of sorts for me...but I love you Mom. Isn't it odd how I struggle to say or write that without feeling like a little schoolboy being humiliated in front of his friends because his mom insists on a goodbye hug and kiss?

Mom, did you also know that I admire you? I admire you for always being there for me, but mostly for always being strong. I have never been as good at life as Jared and Mercia. I hope they are thankful for the strength they inherited from you Mom.

I admire you for keeping us children after Dad left. I know it was not easy, and you are the most amazing mother for having brought up three children, making them feel safe, providing for us and teaching us. I am sorry for not always doing what I knew I should. I am sorry for not just calling when I know you would be there to help me through my difficulties.

I am sorry that this is starting to sound a bit open yet insincere. I guess writing does that to thoughts.

I love that you are my Mom. I want you to know that the call was one of the happiest moments in my life, after the years of disappointment and sadness I have caused you. I finally got to just tell you that everything is well. I did not have to ask you for anything. I was not the cause of tears to you. Giggling to myself now I always remember how you tried to never seem sad when I was around, even now as a grown-up, you never want me to think you are disappointed in me.

I may have written a lot but know that for every word there are a thousand I could not find the words for. I hope you remember me as happy, think of our call Mom. I know you will be sad for a while, but just think of how well I did, think about our last conversation and the laughs we got to share...

I love you Mom. xoxo

^{12 August 2019}
My dearest Mark.

My boy. I am really glad to hear how well life is going for you, I told you. Eventually, you will find what works for you. Until then we can only keep trying. The losses have always hit you hard and I understood that. I fear it may be because you compared yourself to your brother and sister. Just know I love you all the same, but know that you are still unique little creatures :)

Especially you, my son. I have always admired your creativity and ability to share how you felt. I just wish I could have done more at times to make what you felt not to be unhappiness and frustration. I would like to blame your father leaving for many things, and although it hurt you a lot I don't think it is fair to blame him.

I always thought I had to be strong for my children, especially you Mark. I did not ever want to let you see me unhappy, I did not want to be the over emotional single mother. I heard the joy in your voice today, that warmed my heart beyond belief. I heard how proud you were of your life now, how hopeful you were for the future.

That makes me admire you even more you know. You have struggled with a lot of things, and maybe in your mind, you have failed at them all. Please know that in my eyes you have never failed, my boy you are a fighter and have fought your way to happiness. Each and every time.

Your brother and sister don't speak to me anymore. It might sound bad to say but they take too much after me. I feel like they resent me for your Father leaving since they were young it was not that they did not need me it felt more like they did not want me to be there for them.

You always needed and wanted me to be there for you Marky, I loved that and appreciated it. I appreciated that you made me felt like a good mother, that is your gift, my Son. You make people feel good about themselves, I am happy now you are finally feeling good about yourself.

You might find a bit of humour in the fact that I tried to not say I love you every few sentences, a weird time to not be doting.

Remember me as I was in our last call my sweet boy, I have loved you all my life and will be with you after. Keep finding your happiness and know how very proud I am of you... The sadness will pass, because you are a fighter, and you are better than us because you are honest about how you feel. That is something many can learn from you Son.

There is so much more I wish to say, but I know if there is anyone that can fill in the spaces it is you.

I love you eternally my little creature, Mom.