Legal drugs

Dealing with emotions is scary.
To deal with this pain and sadness is frightening.
I want to run away from it.
And of all the things that frighten me.
But I can not.
And the more I steer clear of my fears, the bigger they become.
I do not want to let any fear control me.
I do not want to make any decision based on fear or pain and suffering.
These decisions are never true.
Act out of fear is never true.
Act and fight for what you want despite the fear - it's the most true there is.

I do not know what happened to my computer and the keyboard a bit ... I do not know how to say it just hard to press a few keys and it makes it a bit harder for me to write comfortably as I always used to.
It slows me down.
Maybe I need something like that in my life.
I keep doing everything so quickly that I'm afraid to miss.
Comes before the time that I do not want after.
I have too much sense of responsibility.
I'm just afraid to screw up.
mistake.
to another.
To disappoint.
And most of all ... losing the people I love.

And that's why I'm afraid to love.
Afraid to get someone into my life and then he will leave and my heart will break and I just will not want to live anymore.
I'm afraid of pain.
Both physical and emotional.
Maybe it's the biggest fear in the world.
Fear of pain.
Because if someone broke my heart and it did not hurt ... it was as if nothing had happened.
And then it is no longer frightening.

I want to love.
fall in love.
Being loved by the one I love.
Maybe this is not the time.
Maybe I'm just not ready for it.
But for sure ... I want to experience it.
I want to know how it is.
What is the goal if you do not love and be loved?

I wish I could be a person I love.
A whole person.
But I'm so far away.
And that's good.
Like it feels like shit right now and actually comes to cry but ... I'm calm.
Sometime I'll feel good.
Sometime I'll feel whole.
I'll feel it.

Right now I'm drugged.
Because it hurts me so much.
I put myself in dreams and music and movies and false hopes.
The real world waiting outside scares me.
And when I think about the things that are waiting for me in the future ... wow it pinches.
I'm not good at watching.
I hate to develop expectations and then be disappointed.
Because the real world always disappoints me in one way or another.
It's as if all my life I've lived in a movie that everything is good and everything will be good and everything is a fairy tale and now I wake up and I know it's not like that.

Can life satisfy me ?.
Can life give me what I need and I can finally stop consuming these drugs.
When I say drugs, I mean overeating, a series marathon, a music marathon, night trips that feel so empty.
The world calls it hobbies.
For me it's drugs for everything.
Legal drugs - less pain.