What does it mean to own your emotions? @ecoTrain question of the week

in #ecotrain6 years ago (edited)


This question of the week is split into three questions. Question 1 is a question that I have heard spoken before, but I have never really thought deeply about. What does it really mean when someone says that you need to "own your our emotions?" Now, we all have emotions and express them to varying degrees, some more than others. But what does it really mean to own them? Well, the first thing that springs to mind is the word responsibility. To me owning something means being responsible for them, and emotions are no different. I know a lot of people (including me) who all too easily pin the blame of their emotions on others, whether that is anger, hate, frustration or whatever. Often we are triggered by something and we push back with our emotional responses. These responses are not always in proportion to the situation, and yet there are times when we feel as though they are because that trigger has made us so angry,.. and since we feel angry it must be justified, right? Well, things are not really that simple.

When we get triggered, we are often reminded of previous experiences that may have hurt us either physically or psychologically. This can be quite conscious but also deep and long buried experiences that we don't really remember or think about. An example of this for me is the emotional response I have to feeling over controlled. My mother and step father were both very controlling, and I suffered at their manipulation and many rules and requirements of my behaviour. This means that when others, in particular my wife, ask me to change or limit my behaviour I can get quite upset. This happened yesterday when my wife asked me to not use a wine glass that she likes for other uses. It wasn't the biggest deal in the world at all, and yet I got quite upset about it and didn't comply with her request. This was a loaded response, and was one that I was later able to identify as an overreaction due to my triggers and apologise. I was not really owning my emotions until I was able to have that awareness, which came some time after the event. This awareness was very important, because it allowed me to own my emotions and therefore limit my projections on her. It also gave me some comfort to realise that she wasn't being as unreasonable as I felt she was, and from that I was able to let go of the intensity of my reactions.


Therefore, owning our emotions is a challenging but very important thing. So many people go about their daily lives reacting and pinning the blame of our feelings on others. This leads to things like road rage, arguments, and a general disharmony because we have shifted the responsibility and blame of our feelings and emotions onto others. This is very dis-empowering and means that the resolution of fixing the issue at hand gets put onto someone else. This act of shifting the blame leads to a lot of conflict in relationships where one person demands the other change their behaviour or responses so that we are not triggered by them. This requirement is often not met, and leads to a polarisation of the people concerned, where no one wants to change or even admit they have done anything wrong. Polarisation is one of the most frustrating experiences because we not only don't get a resolution but also don't even feel heard. When we are in a polarised conflict there is usually just no way to move forward and everyone is left feeling very angry.


When we can have the insight and awareness of where our emotions come from and OWN THEM this can give the process of resolution some space to be resolved. This is not easy, and requires us to really learn some very important skills. Owning our emotions requires us to be honest with ourselves, and open to accepting that our feelings may be being projected onto others. We also have to be gentle and compassionate with OURSELVES because we are often very critical of our own feelings which is a big barrier to being able to own them. If we can have compassion with our feelings, we can remove a lot of judgment we may be placing on ourselves and thus give some space for us to be able to own them. We will never own our emotions and feelings when we judge ourselves for them, but with compassion we can learn to accept that many things that have happened to use were not our fault. By loving our selves and being mindful we can learn to accept who we are, and what our limitations are and work with them. When we can admit that we are triggered because of events that have happened to us, we can learn to forgive others for things that they have said or done.

This is a great lesson, and one of the most empowering things we can do for our self development and a happy life. Once we have identified our emotions and owned them, we then have a change to let the charge go. Letting go, in a non violent or blaming way is one of the pillars of owning our emotions. It takes courage to own something we may not like, and even more courage to dig deep into our own lives and experiences so that we can identify our hooks and triggers. Letting go of our anger or frustration in a productive way is something that is for another post, because learning to own our emotions is the most important step in the process. We can never solve a problem until we can admit we have one! Once we have crossed this boundary, the rest of the process is one that can happen much more easily.

It is important to realise that if we don't own our emotions then they own us, and rule us. When we don't own our emotions, they end up taking charge of our actions, responses, and lives. Our projected emotions will ruin our relationships, and we will go around blaming others and calling them things like unreasonable, or crazy as a result. We really do end up quite stuck! Contrast this with the idea that the more we are willing to own our thoughts and reactions to other people’s behaviour the less we will live in blame and resentment. We just have to understand that our triggers are merely a mirror of what is at work on the inside. So I would urge to go ahead and start uncovering all those hurts and angers which you have hold over you and accept them with love and compassion and a desire to understand their message to you .

When you are faced with a conflict try ask yourselves some questions!

1. Why are we so hurt by these situations, those words etc.?

2. Did this kind of thing happen before, even when we were very young?

3. Are we angry with the person facing us, or are we angry with ourselves?

When we can stop ourselves from reacting and take a breath and ask these kinds of questions you might be surprised how quickly our feelings may change toward the other person. Suddenly we can realise that we do have part to play in these dramas, and that gives us a positive way forward. Just identifying these situations and remembering things that have happened to us can instantly make a huge difference to the intensity or charge that we hold. This is owning our emotions and is a very important aspect of Emotional Intelligence, probably the most important kind of intelligence that we can posses.


The 8 Pillars of @TribeSteemUp


@ecoTrain

Supporting People Who Help
Make The World A Better Place

Discover amazing articles in the ecotrain Steemit magazine at @ecoTrain

 

 

Sort:  

You make some great points here @eco-alex! I can relate to your experience of feeling controlled and acting triggered when requests are made of you. By projecting my reaction of my past experiences onto the present, I'm really being unfair to the person who made the request and my emotional state. It's like I'm playing a familiar tape, when it's really just outdated software.

Those 3 questions at the end are really spot on. I often get stuck, but this type of questioning can help me break out of it. I still find myself not owning my emotions sometimes, and it get worse when I'm hard on myself for it! Your advice for compassionate awareness is so valuable.

Thanks for taking the time to create such a helpful article, I'll use those questions next time a heated emotion arises.

THANK YOU ... im really happy you took the time to read it.. and your comments are very valuable to me! yes sometimes asking ourselves questions can really prompt us to delve deeper to answer them... ill also try to stop myself and ask these same questions! acting out is one thing, we all do it.. but being able to catch it is a real great step forward! <3 love u!

"Acting out is one thing, we all do it.. but being able to catch it is a real great step forward!" - that's so TRUE. I may know I have a pattern, but to keep doing it while knowing of it doesn't make it any better! I find myself stopping mid reaction sometimes, and other times looking at myself from another's eyes and seeing that I may be acting out of past pains. It's all part of the journey to wholeness.

We're all in this together and are all stronger together. <3 - ini

Good thought provoking post, here is my take.

I feel that that saying "owning your emotions" is hugely subjective and moreover, the definition is constructed by your upbringing, both culturally and the friends you choose roll with.

I would say parents are crucial, but I have two children and all you can do is try to instill good morals (again subjective) at a young age and then hope these will guide them through the final stage or their journey, peer pressure.

An example, my eldest son will lose his temper and then blame his actions on the person who angered him. A regular response I give is

That is complete nonsense, who controls your body, who commands your mind.

I try to remind him that the body is merely a vehicle used to power to mind. If I cut off your arm, you are still you, same goes for any limp, but if your mind becomes corrupt, you are no longer the same person.

Why do I think this is relevant. Self-control is key to managing your emotions, offense by definition will be taken and never given. You can choose to take offense and react in an emotional (which generally results in an illogical way), or you can not let them win and responded victoriously. Now, I am not saying to ignore them; people are allowed to say what they want, but they must also understand that a response will be delivered.

There is a fine line between passion and aggression, make sure you understand where the line starts or stops and do not let trolls make you react in a way that is ultimately detrimental to you.

I am not saying I am right regarding any of the above, this is just the way I handle situations when individuals "trigger" an emotion​ from within.

thanks for you inputs here @aclarkuk82, you sound like a Great parent.. it is NO easy task!!! wow

Agreed, where is this handbook everyone talks about :-s

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvoting this reply.

Dominate your emotions, bring with it the solution to big problems and conflicts.
How many useless confrontations, which have triggered a spiral of greater magnitude are due to the non-solution in time, of a difference.
It also happens, for having repressed feelings, that exploit the minina exposicion.Por that we see on many occasions, that before any event unleashes a powerful mess.

Thank you sir for asking this question, first of all i truly agree with you when you say

if we don't own our emotions, the end up taking charge of our actions, responses, and lives. Our projected emotions will ruin our relationships, and we will go around blaming others and calling them things like unreasonable, or crazy as a result.

sometimes people are emotionally driven because they are not fully in control of themselves. People are generally not fully in control of themselves because no one has taught them how.

When an individual is not in control of themselves, they become the perfect victim to have control exercised over them. How peoples minds, beliefs and lives are shaped by their culture is a perfect example of this.

yes jordan.. good parents are hard to find, because there is no rulebook in life, and the family unit is often quite weak.. thanks for your comment!

That's really great Alex the way you describe it: 'Once we have identified our emotions and owned them, we then have a change to let the charge go.'
OR if it involves positive emotions/desires, once we own them we can start working on realising them. Some need to be released and some need to be realised!

Owning our emotions is really a challenge but the correct thing to do to live better lives. I like it when you say if we fail to own our emotions, our emotions will own us.
Owning our emotions is being responsible and taking positive actions that result from our emotions is the best thing we can ever do to ourselves and the world. Its a great thought provoking piece @eco-alex

I love the way you frame this @eco-alex

This happened yesterday when my wife asked me to not use a wine glass that she likes for other uses. It wasn't the biggest deal in the world at all, and yet I got quite upset about it and didn't comply with her request.

Thats a bit standard around here where hubby gets defensive over the smallest things and like many of us, he sees it as a personal attack. I really want him to read this article. I always wonder what happened that causes this reaction. The questions at the end are great ones to ask.

We just have to understand that our triggers are merely a mirror of what is at work on the inside.

So true. Self study is such an important facet of our lives as it leads us to live more freely and fully. Ignoring our emotions makes things worse... deflecting them onto others always ends badly. So i love the angle you take here... responsibility and reflection makes for a good way forward indeed. 💚

wow this is a very honest and personal answer, it is so nice to read how insightful you are and aware. I struggled with the word own, but I understand that it does not need to be seen as the way I interpret it, I am all for taking responsibility for my emotions, for acknowledging them and honouring them and then letting them go, in saying that it is not that easy to do, but discussing it does help, hank you for you in depth and very helpful answer xx

Coin Marketplace

STEEM 0.35
TRX 0.12
JST 0.040
BTC 70557.88
ETH 3560.83
USDT 1.00
SBD 4.75