Ditch the Wanchor! Escaping Emotional Abuse - The Feeling of Walking on Eggshells

It’s been over a year now since the break up of my marriage and now I am ready to talk about emotional abuse and the damage it can do and how to identify it.

As a friend, it is also good information to digest, as when you are in the midst of it you are not always aware of it happening.

When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship it is not the breaking of the eggs that does the harm. No, it the prolonged and continuous walking on the eggshells that does the damage.

When there is emotional abuse, it lingers in the background like an acne flare up, it always there, even in times of relative peace.

The dull ache of deep happiness does not fade, as the damage from the accumulative effect of the moments of worthlessness, disconnection and isolation and dread keep building to a crescendo in your head that is difficult to escape.

The quiz below shows what it is like to walk on eggshells every day, day after day. To get the full impact of this quiz, read the questions out loud and be totally honest with yourself, as often it is the first step to admitting that emotional abuse could be a part of your relationship.

It might be worth copying and printing it out, so you can put a check mark on each answer.

Walking on Eggshells Quiz

Please put a check mark next to your answer.

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Attitude

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Resentment

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Anger

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Sarcasm

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Criticism

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Glares

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Frowns

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Gestures (like finger-pointing, making a fist)

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Chilly moods

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Cold shoulders

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

I am anxious, nervous, or worried about my partner's Stonewalling

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

Do I edit my thoughts before I speak and second-guess my behavior before I do anything, in fear that it might "set him off" or cause "the silent treatment?"

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

Is he fine one minute and into a tirade the next, all seemingly over nothing or about the same thing over and over?

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

Do I feel tense when I hear the door open or when he comes into the room? When I walk by him, do my shoulders tense, until we get past one another?

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

Do I think that if I just tried harder things might be all right?

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

Do I feel that that nothing I do is good enough?

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

Is my marriage in a cold stand-off (disagreements are minimal, but there's a chilly wall between us)?

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

Are my defensiveness and other reactions to him on "automatic pilot," like they just happen on their own?

Never ____Sometimes____Most of the time____

If you reside with an angry, abusive or resentful partner (or a combination of all those things), now and again if you allow yourself, you will get the vague feeling that you have lost yourself.

In the constant effort, it takes to walk on eggshells all the time as not to invoke the wrath of your partner, or put-downs, sighs of disapproval or avoiding the cold shoulder takes an extraordinary amount of energy.

You also find yourself second-guessing your own judgment, what is right and wrong, even your own perception of reality can become distorted and worst of all your self-worth hits rock bottom.

When you are constantly editing your behavior to keep the peace, you forget who you are and your dreams become nice fluffy clouds far away in the sky, never to behold again.

It boils down to the fact that you are dependent on your partner for your emotional well being. The first thing you need to do is remove that dependency.

Although our sense of justice says that it is your partner that needs to change, that is unlikely to happen. Your pain tells you otherwise. Your pain tells you, you need to be alive again - be the person you are meant to be.

You need to become responsible for your emotions, not rely on your partners, as they will make you feel small again, like an ant squished on the bottom of a shoe.

But if you remove the focus from them and put it solely on yourself, it can at times save the relationship, but most of all it helps you reclaim yourself, your emotions and your senses.

That is the first, but vital step. Tomorrow I will share how I came to my senses.

With <3 @hopehuggs