Ecotrain QOTW: How do you know when it is time to give up on something?
I wanted to get started on this asap since it's really something I could write a book about.
You can find the original @ecotrain Question of the Week post here.
When do I know when it's time to give up?
First of all: I don't give up easily. And from what I know about most of the passengers on the @ecotrain: they don't either.
We're a big bunch of 'not-giver-uppers' and I guess that's one of the reasons why we all connect so well.
I'm like a pit bull. I'll bite myself into a project, goal or even a person and won't give up trying to achieve what I had my mind set on if I believe in it. And that's where the answer lies: I have to believe in it. As soon as I don't believe in something or someone anymore, I will drop it faster than it or he/she came into my life. But this doesn't mean I didn't try everything I could to hold on before this. In fact: it takes quite a bit of effort to get me to stop believing in something or someone. I think that this is my strength and at the same time, it's also my weakness.
Relationships
When I left the States and went back to Holland (I don't say: 'went home', because it never felt like home) it was I was pregnant and my relationship with my (then) husband wasn't perfect, to say the least. He was an alcoholic, and even though I had two alcoholics and one regular drinker in my family, I didn't recognize his illness as such.
He didn't drink for weeks, but then would binge-drink for days to weeks and I always thought that alcoholics had to drink every day. I was wrong. And I was naive to think that my pregnancy could change this. Of course they didn't, it made it worse. So after being with that man for 2 1/2 years, and married for 6 months, I decided to leave him while I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter. But even then, I didn't give up on him and our marriage completely. I gave an ultimatum: if he wanted to be in our lives and save our marriage, he could straighten up his act and either follow us to Holland or get us back to the US, legally. This was another reason for my departure from the country: I was illegal, and every time I tried to get the papers done to change that, 'something' came up. I was working, despite my immigrant status, and he was working, so there were really no excuses. However, he always found one not to do it. Now I know it was because he thought I would leave him once my papers went through, and he was probably right, but not for the reasons he thought. I didn't marry him for the green card, but the green card was one of those things that needed to happen for us to be together. I don't even want to know what could have happened if I had decided to have our daughter there. I know I did the right thing.
Anyway, our daughter was born, and in the beginning, he was happy, and even tried to get and keep a job in his home-town and it seemed like he was doing the things that needed to be done to get us there.
Then there were periods in which I didn't hear from him or couldn't reach him. Sometimes weeks, sometimes months.
When my daughter was 22 months old, I managed to get enough money together to fly us to the US to see if our marriage still could be saved. It was a trip and visit from hell and that should have told me something. However, it took another 2 years for me to finally realize that there was nothing left to fight for. I had to let go. It took another couple of years before the divorce was final.
Friends and family
I won't drag you through all of my messy break-ups (they're not that many either LOL), but I will share the reasons why I came to Ireland. The father of my two kids in the middle (number 2 and 3) went from perfect to not so perfect after my youngest daughter was born. Not long after our son was born, he went from 'not so perfect' to 'completely nuts'. After one relationship with a narcissist you would think I had learned my lesson, but no...
He and his parents (especially his mother) were toxic. There was a good reason why he was the way he was, and that reason was his parents. His father had pretty much no say in anything and his mother was a manipulating witch that always wanted to have things her way. We had to do two Christmasses, because 'that's how they used to do it when her kids were young', one at our house and one at theirs. The presents the kids got at their house, didn't come from Santa, but they clearly had to come from them. As if the kids were going to remember those presents. The clothes they bought for them were only to be worn at their house, and the kids couldn't bring them home. It was crazy. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the story would require a book.
When my son was 10 months old, I decided to pull the plug on that relationship. He had betrayed my trust and on top of that, he was accusing me of things I didn't do. They became even more toxic.
When one of my best friends moved to Ireland, I was already playing with the thought of going too. Not long after that, we did.
It wasn't because I didn't try everything I could to make things work. I promise you: I did. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew that he and his family would ruin our lives if we didn't go. So we did. I never regretted leaving. It's probably the best thing I could have done. The court case that followed was proof of that. I won, by the way. By telling the truth, while he tried to win by lying and playing dirty tricks. But there is one thought that never left me: how would the result have been if we had still been in the country? Totally different ball-game.
Ireland
Ireland was only supposed to be a short stopover that turned into something else. There were times when I really thought I could make things work here. And I did. I made new friends, had my friend from Holland here and we were living in a nice house. We still are. But then one friend moved to Holland with her Dutch husband and kids, and the other moved across the country. I fell into a black hole and whatever I did, I kept falling back. It was time to make other plans and leave this place behind. And that's where we are now: after 8 years of good times but also bad times, it's time to move on.
The things I will never give up on
Over the years, I've had quite a few things and people I bit myself into. And as you can read above, it can take quite some time for me to let go. Then there were also things I let go of a bit easier. Like my waterbirth business here in Ireland. It was quite easy to determine that this was something that worked in the Netherlands but didn't here. People go to the hospital here to have babies, period. At least most do, and those who don't...well it's not worth my time and effort to stick with the business just for them.
But there are always things or people I will never give up on. Like my family. Two of my siblings have done things that could have been a reason to give up. But even though it is keeping me at a safe distance now, and I know what I can and can't tell them, I will never give up on them completely. They're my brother and sister after all.
And then there is this other thing I will never give up on. It's the knowledge that somewhere, someday there will be a place that we call home. Someday. Just not now. Right now, wherever I am with my kids, that's home. It's not bound to a place.
I'm sure there are also times when I gave up too quickly. Like some school subjects. Latin was one of them. I have regretted not keeping that any longer and trying a bit harder. And I'm sure there are things I could have given up sooner but decided not to. But it doesn't matter, it's all a learning experience, whichever choices we make.
Thank you for reading!
I agree with you wholeheartedly, the key to making something work is a belief that it can. Not everything can work and with those things sooner or later we realize that. We realize we need to stop believing and invest our energy and ourselves elsewhere. All of life is ever changing, and we too are ever changing and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Acceptance sets us free. I know many who never give themselves the freedom of acceptance, which I find tragic. Keep following your heart.
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There are more people like that out there than not I think, and yes, it is tragic. I think the issue is that people are too programmed to believe they can't follow their heart. I've always followed my heart, even if it didn't make sense at the time and I have no regrets. Even in those relationships where I stuck it out longer than I should have. Because eventually those experiences brought me where I am today.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I see that you're in Mexico? Are you from there or do you just live there? It's on my list... Been just across the border a few times but want to experience the 'real' Mexico soon.
Yes, how much are people a product of their cultural/societal/religious/familial conditioning and how much are they actually in touch with who they are/want to be? Too many people do things because they have been told that's what they are supposed to do. Whose life are they leading? Who are they living for? Where are they in their own lives?
There is no greater freedom than living your life by your own terms! I might choose to do the exact same thing, but because I have chosen it, because I want it, it holds so much more meaning for me than it would otherwise. That in of itself brings me a great sense of satisfaction.
Yes, the same for me. I went through quite a bit of hardship in my younger years. Someone asked me before, if you could change the past, what would you change? I said nothing. I'd go through it all again, because it is my experiences, good and bad, that have made me the person I am today.
I am originally from Germany. I am a resident here in Mexico. I love it here. I plan to stay here. Yes, I love the culture, the people, just everything here.
Sounds great! Where in Mexico are you? I'm Dutch, but living in Ireland, but it's just not for me (anymore). I hate the weather! And we're so isolated here. I grew up in Germany, near Winterberg in Nord Rhein Westfalen :)
Small world! I grew up near there, near Wuppertal. I am currently in Jalisco, outside of Puerto Vallarta (west coast).
Wow! That's truly a small world! My parents were managing a campsite/holiday home park and my best 'holiday friend' (who came with her parents on the weekends and holidays) was from Wuppertal. We had an amazing time growing up there as we were surrounded by forest and nature.
Is it easy to stay in Mexico as a foreigner? I mean visa and such? Or do you have a job there. I work remotely so can pretty much work anywhere with internet. :)
Yes, it is not a difficult process to become a resident. The financial/income requirements are also not as high as they are in the USA, for example. The visas themselves are not expensive. I showed 3 years worth of financial statements. You apply through the Mexican embassy in the country you are in. They are very friendly and helpful and will guide you through the process. They will let you know which visa will work best for you. Yes, you can have a job in a different country, drawing your salary through that other country. That is OK, and does not require you to have a work visa here. You need a work visa though, if you intend to work in Mexico/through Mexico, but again you can receive help/advice with that. There are many lawyers here that can help and they are not terribly expensive. It takes some time to receive the visa, and then once here it takes some time on this side where you have to take the rest of the steps (photos, paperwork, fingerprinting, final approval). During that time you cannot leave Mexico or you have to start that process all over again. (Unless there is an emergency, in which case you can apply for an exit visa). In the rural areas you will need to install satellite internet, or a tower (otherwise your internet might be a nightmare). In urban areas, the internet is very decent. It's something to consider when deciding where you want to go. I just did a speed test to show you mine:
So if working remotely I wouldn't need a work visa? Your internet is many times faster than mine. If Mexico is the way we go, then I think I'd prefer not to be rural. At least for some time. I realized that I need more people around me. I don't mind the more quiet areas in a city either, and don't need to be in the middle of a city (that's too extreme too) but I've had my fill of isolation for now. Also for the kids, I think it would be better if there are other kids to play with.
Interesting read. Your writing style makes me want to go on and read some more, though I pretty much guessed the outcome. (Well, your introduction helped quite a bit.)
Props for finally easing your pit-bull jaws when it became obvious that hanging on any further would be counterproductive. Especially your partner's mother seemed like one big warning flag.
Are we all Not-Giver-Uppers? I like that thought, but I have to admit, I'm probably more of a Letter-Goer. Though you're right in the sense that as hard as it is for me to pick something (or someone), once I commit myself, I want to do it to the fullest.
Thanks for your article.
Thank you! Your words mean a lot. I was actually thinking earlier on today to write a bit more about my time in Asia, as preparation for Steemfest. And yes, my ex's mother was one big warning flag. She was awful, but she was sneaky at the same time and she loved the kids, so there was really not much I could do. He was too chicken-shit to stand up for me to her so yeah, happy to get away from that. For some time I was sad for the kids, but always kept the lines open and always told them they could come and visit any time. They never did, and always had excuses, mostly money issues, but then they would go to Germany for long weekends and even 6 weeks to Chile to visit their eldest son and his family. So I realized these people just liked to play the victim but not actually do something about it. However, I've been in contact with his parents for quite a while after we left. As far as he's concerned, he's as evil as they come. The court case was never about the kids but about getting back at me. His plan failed and that's the last we ever heard from him.
If you're more of a letter-goer, then maybe we should all get a bit more of that to balance it out :)
I must say you have gone through so much.. Well, yes in some situation we have to move on forward because that time we realize it's not gonna work specially for relationship.. Sometimes we have to give up to get something better... Your journey made me nostalgic...
I've gone through a lot, but at the same time it made me who I am. And there are always people who have gone through worse. When my best friend in Holland lost her son less than a year ago, it really put a lot of things in perspective for me. My life wasn't always easy, but at least I have all my kids with me and they're all healthy. Thank you for stopping by!
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@misslasvegas the toxicity of people is something that I just can't tolerate. I can easily tell if I like being around someone or not. "The vibes," as they say are real. The negativity of some people is mentally draining. It can be hard when these people are family and loved ones.
I myself have had to battle this in my life as well. You love your family and only want the best for them, but being around them can be such a negative drain on you. I continue to show love and care towards them, but when the negativity forms I must leave.
What you describe is a good reason for "giving up" or something. Personally, I look at these types of experiences as learning opportunities. When I encounter them, I do all I can to try and help, and then at some point if it isn't working you just have to cut the cord.
Thank you for sharing...
Yes, the vibes are very real. With me it's usually a first impression kinda thing, I can spot someone toxic or an energy vampire from a mile away. And getting better at it :) Thanks for stopping by!