The vibe is fresh from @riverflows' incredibly heart opening piece (In fact, Ini just got a chance to read it and he's sitting here crying next to me; it really touched him.)

Gotta Have Heart: Self Forgiveness & Embracing My Truer Self

This is all started from @ameliabartlett's #forgiveyourself invitation. Last week I wrote about loving and forgiving my Dog Self, that part that doesn't want to play in the world's games. You can read it here.
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@Riverflows wrote about her journey from feeling like she was TOO MUCH and yet NOT ENOUGH at the same time, that her bombastic open hearted self had, through life events & people (which were not necessarily aiming to shut her down, but her young self took it to heart), had learned that she couldn't share all of her emotions, her love, her self and developed a tough inner critic in response! Her journey back to wearing her heart on her sleeve is seriously amazing and heart opening and I think holds keys for many of us!

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It certainly prompted something in me.. another layer unraveling in present moment awareness that I want to unpack through writing.

I felt @riverflows' journey so much because I have lived it too! I was always that "too-emotional" kid. I cried all the time and I was always so lovey- touch and words of affirmation are definitely two of my love languages. But, as we learn boundaries and "the ways of the world" as we grow, oftentimes we learn that these just aren't ways to act as we grow up. So we shut down those parts of ourselves.

For me, the shutting down moment I can remember vividly.

Saying I love you Too Much!

I was always a super fun loving kid. Yes I was soooo emotional, but I was also incredibly active and fun!

My mom was also super emotional so I think my emotional self found a home in our hugs and the incredible love that we shared (and still share to this day- hey mom! <3). This changed of course when I had to start going to school. My mom and dad worked full time so though I wanted to stay at home like my dog and have my mom homeschool me, that just wasn't an option (plus I do think it's good for kids to be socialized). So off to school I went.

I would cry every time my mom dropped me off. This lasted for a lot of elementary school, actually! I felt comfort around her and the scary other world paled in comparison. I wanted to share and receive love on a grand scale, but I quickly learned that you'll be thought of as weird if you do that. Or worse something is probably wrong with you if you love too much and share it openly!! One memory about this sticks out clearly:

In first grade , we were all given journals and we kept up a correspondence with our teacher. We were supposed to write about our lives, what we thought of school, etc. That part is rather unmemorable, but what I do remember is that I would spend about a paragraph of each one writing about how much I loved my teacher, Mrs Powell!

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I would always write I Love You! or other little love notes like that at the bottom.

Inoffensively enough, really, right? Even sweet coming from your 6 year old student! But oddly enough, this was thought of as strange behavior and Mrs Powell asked my mom if everything was alright at home! If I was "okay"!

That is really all I remember of the story. In middle school, I remember sitting in my mom's closet later reading this offensive journal of mine and talking with my mom how shocked my 1st Grade Teacher was that I would write that so much in my journal. The thing was I really did love Mrs Powell!

But this experience taught me something very important.

• Even if we love people, sometimes we have to hide it from them so they don't feel overwhelmed.
• Sometimes we have to keep our love a secret so the people we love feel safe.
• There are certain people who we are "allowed to love" to a certain amount and in certain ways and others are off-limits.

Unpacking this now in writing is really causing an energetic flashback here for me-- how when I was 6 or 7 I got this very powerful LESSON that sharing my love can make other people feel uncomfortable. It's helping me (just like @riverflows' mirror in her post did) realize how I've held back parts of my loving since then so I don't make people uncomfortable.

We realize in our culture that so many of us are so fucking magical when we're kids, but then as we grow old... we what? Grow up and "lose our magic"?

The "responsibilities of life" take over-- which I assume (and am learning well on the homestead) are the burdens of having to literally respond to life's demands, whether monetary (a big imposed system on this earth), work, upkeep, relational, caretaking our dependents or other people in our lives, and so much more-- even just "creating our dreams" can be a lot of work!! image

Does living a good life and being responsive adults mean that we have to lose our magic, our joy, our childlike nature?

Of course, I don't innately believe that it does, but I believe that this is the effect it has had on many of us and it's something Ini and I talk about often on the homestead.

How the burden or weight of all this "work" (self imposed dream fulfillment haha) has literally changed us. Where is the lightness we experienced as travelers when our younger selves literally had way less response-ability?! I wont get too much into that as that's a whole nother unraveling for another post, but the core of the question remains:

These core essences we have from a child, an open loving heart, expression of joy, wonder and truly living a magical experience open to the world... mostly all of us have experiences that shut down these natural aspects of who we are.

It takes, as @riverflows' demonstrated, really re-opening ourselves, having the courage to go past the voices (whatever they are) or debilitating actions others' put on our lives (and on our loves) to uncover this essential nature.

It can be difficult, as she relays:

It would still take a while for the cocoon around my heart to fully rip open, though. I had to step into a place of fully feeling again when I hadn't in years. Not properly. How could I let my emotions fully unleash when they were what made me feel so different in the first place? How could I allow my emotions to let rip when it hurt so fucking much?

But, as she also found (and as I can relate, too), there are healing pathways we can take to open up these places again. They give us the courage and the SKILLS to do so. For her it was the Hanuman Bolo mantra:

The power of mantra to access your heart space is incredible. Maybe as you chant, all the other layers flake away as if the words are meditative paint stripper. It's a similiar sensation to what I used to feel on the dance floor at raves or surfing - you are so caught up in the present moment that some aspect of truth is revealed in perfect awareness, perfect consciousness.

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For others it can be writing, yoga, breathing, prayer, people stepping into our lives who REMIND and teach us through their own ways of Being that it's okay to let these parts of ourselves out, too.

I was reminded of this last night as I read @inspirewithword's intro post and a watched beautifully moving video he made on his facebook where he's dishing out free magic FIY!

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Oftentimes, to me, it seems like something we're reminded of again and again when we're on our path. As ee cummings has written:

it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are

And so many of us are on this journey, wholing ourselves. I'm so happy to see all of this heart-energy and opening happening on Steemit! Remember, if you feel touched or inspired, feel free to write such a post and tag me in it! I LOVE IT!!!

AND I LOVE YOU!

This post was written by a passenger of the #ecotrain. Check the tag out often for more inspiration on the blockchain!

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