What Are We Teaching Our Kids?
I recently had a little run in with an evangelical street preacher. I actually wrote a post about it, but it disappeared from my tablet. Maybe I didn't need to put all that out there. We had words because I have a gay daughter and a zero tolerance policy for hateful dumbfucks. I guess the one good thing you can say about this interaction is that it spawned a lot for me. One of the things we battled about was his speakers blaring on about lust. I was not in a mood to explain to either my six or four year olds about lust.
Here’s the thing. I pretty much let them watch and listen to whatever they want. I figure they will regulate on what is and isn’t too much for them. I’m also open to talking to them about whatever. They can ask me anything, and they know that, but I don’t offer up much that isn’t asked for. This guy was telling me he talks to his four year-old about lust, and I’m just wondering how that four year old feels about all that? What a gross violation of that kid’s mind.
As a matter of fact, I see this happen with all kinds of parents. A lot of people feel they want to be open and honest with their kids, and they end up sharing way too much. A child who asks where babies come from may be content with “mommies’ bellies.” If they want to know how they got there, they will ask. Overwhelming them with TMI because you feel like they should know something is honestly a violation of their personhood.
It really all goes back to this whole idea of the difference between teaching and learning. Whether it’s sex or algebra, a child should only learn what they’re ready to learn and interested in. They will almost definitely at some point be interested in sex, and that’s a great time to talk about lust if that is important to you. It’s a super fantastic time to talk about birth control and std protection. Without a doubt the puritanical influence is still being felt in the US, and people are honestly ridiculous about their refusal to discuss these things, but flying off in the other direction to share before they’re ready is a different sort of problem.
I first was introduced to this idea from a Cherokee friend of mine. He told me that his parents told him almost nothing that he didn’t ask for and that he always felt respected and that it also encouraged his creativity and curiosity. It was a fascinating shift in perspective for me. These ways in which we disrespect children really run deep. Wouldn’t it be really weird to go to another adult and offer them a lecture of unasked for information? Because we think we know what they need to know!! We basically lock children inside buildings for 6 or 7 hours a day to do just this.
One of the things I really loved about working at a Sudbury School was that we weren’t allowed to offer classes that were not asked for. It’s really hard. Of course we all think we are very clever and interesting and that the things we know are super important. And they are. To people who are interested in them. Not everyone needs to know or be interested in the same things as I am. I mean, thank God, right? How boring would it be if we all had the same interests? Let them find their interests and follow them. Let them ask lots of questions when they are ready. I wish one of my kids was a science nerd, but no such luck so far. None of them are left handed either. Curses!
We know for certain the world will be a radically different place in 20 years. We can have no idea exactly what they will need to know, but we know they will need to know how to learn, how to follow their interests and create a life for themselves. They will need to know how to think on their feet and ask lots of questions. They will need to know how to be creative and come up with new and different solutions. Honestly the best thing we can do is stay out of their way and wait for them to come with questions. One caveat: I want to be clear I'm not talking about martyrdom motherhood. My kids are not the center. When I have something I need or want to do, I do it, and they can participate or not. I mean, I'm not talking about taking them to the bar, but I also am not just sitting around waiting for them to ask questions.
Let them come to you. Let them have dominion over their own minds and souls. It’s autonomy at its most basic level.
As always, excited to hear your thoughts. I love the education conversations the most!
Much love, y’all!
As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.
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This is an important post and yes, I too mostly allow my daughter to ask first. My girl is not a great talker or asker, and so often I FEEL her unasked question, and then ask here if she is wondering about XYZ, to which she usually says "Yes!" And then we talk. Thanks for highlighting this and putting in on my radar yet again - it's "coincidentally" (I don't believe in coincidence) Thai Mother's Day here.
Holy synchronicity, bat woman! I love it. I totally hear you. My Sophie is a quiet one, and I sometimes had to dig. She was a thumb sucker and would pop that thumb in and contemplate the universe. Eventually it made her sick to shove it all down, and she then had to unleash some shit, mostly on her dad. Hasn't been sick since, and now she's more likely to speak.
I liked what you said a lot about telling our children when they ask for it. They for sure will want to know everything eventually. I guess the saying there's a time for everything is a good one in this respect.
Thanks for reinforcing a belief of mine.
By the way, I 'd like to pick your brain one day about sudsbury schools. I have many questions but also some conflicted idea...
Thanks for this post
I'm so glad it was helpful for you. I honestly don't remember the situation that spawned this friend of mine to intervene, but he put his hand on my arm and said, "if he needs your help or your answers, he'll ask for them." I was flabbergasted, but it really stuck with me. I feel really strongly about it.
I'm totally your gal on the Sudbury thing. I answered lots of parent questions and also did interviews with media. I've heard all the questions! It's a huge leap, and I had to do some big shifts of my own to get there. I'm happy to help you figure out if it's right for your family because it really is a family decision.
Ouch it's been 10 days since you wrote me back... We've been crazy busy and the rain has made everything take more time! It's the rainyest summer I've ever known in New York.
I'll ask you the questions I have on disccord.
It's all good, man. I periodically get crazy behind on my replies. Some people seem to always be able to keep up. I'm not one of them. We are in the midst of rainy season here too. It usually dries up a bit in August before starting back up in September, but it's already started back. It's making it hard to dry laundry. Whenever you have questions, I'm ready. Of course it may take days to get back to you, but I definitely will!
I read your posts regularly, and you know the kind of things I write, too. Couldn't be more different. Yet we have a lot of similarities, too. Disdain for holy rollers is another thing we seem to have in common. A feeling of "what's wrong with this picture" insofar as to our American society is another.
Indeed. I was pretty sad my anti evangelical diatribe disappeared, but maybe it's for the best. He had a card that said pride on the front with a rainbow behind it and then tried to tell me he wasn't targeting gay people. I pretty much lost my shit on him. It was just all the things tied together - homophobia, religious zealot, colonialism, racism. My head just sort of exploded. American culture is a shit show. They really don't need to export that crap.