Trying To Make Sense Of It All!

in #ecotrain6 years ago (edited)

Some of these days have been hard, the reality of what has been happening has really begun to sink in. It's kind of funny how we can just keep going, looking at what is happening in our lives and decide that Okay I need to just accept this and get on with it. The focus here has to be on healing, I need to be strong, I need to be supportive and to be present.

But watching you suffer, seeing the pain so clearly reflected on your face, seeing all the sadness wash over you in waves. Waves that seem to have grown in size and in intensity. Watching you look away because you do not want to share those feelings with us, your family. Here you are trying to protect us when all we want to do is protect you!

These last few days have been tough, hearing you say that we should just put you out with the rubbish, asking why this is happening to you. You have spend your life as a carer looking after others, always putting others before you, it is so unfair that this is now happening to you. All this suffering, all this pain.I do not understand the reasoning behind this, how could there ever be any reasoning behind your suffering. It makes no sense. I ask those questions with you, I can feel the despair, I can feel the energy that has changed around you, you look so lost and vulnerable and I feel so helpless next to you. You apologize for allowing yourself to become so negative, but how could you not, you need to ask these questions, you need to cry and get angry. But you do not let yourself because you feel guilty for sharing your pain.

Here You are, a shadow of your former self, but I know that woman who is full of fire and life is still in there. This journey you are on, that has so many obstacles, that gives you no respite, no rest. It is moving, but not in the way we had hoped. No not now anyway. But we must not lose hope, we must continue to picture you whole and well again.

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Every night before I go to sleep, I close my eyes and picture you with your golden curls again, with your beautiful smile. I picture you full of life and vitality. I picture you whole. Every morning I do the same, I picture you rising from your bed, I picture you in perfection and I send it out into the world. This is what gets me through my days, this is how I hold it all together.

I feel so tired at times, yet who am I to talk of tiredness when your body is being pushed to it's limits. When the treatment you are receiving is attacking every part of your body. I know at the end of each day I get to lie down in my bed pain free, with my daughter beside me. Something that you will never get to experience. I can see the look you have in your eyes when I am with my children, I know how you have longed for your own and I know that it can never happen for you now. Even that must be such a huge thing to accept and live with, but you have been dealt so much more. It is so unfair, so very unfair and I can not make sense of it all. I can not imagine how it must be for you.

I will stand beside you no matter what you decide. It is your decision how you will prepare yourself to continue on this journey. I have had huge lessons in acceptance and in being present. I have had to learn to pull back and just let things be. My opinions and my knowledge are not what matters here, I am here to stand beside you, to hold your hand, to rub your back. I can do all of that, but I really wish I could do more.

Today has been a tough day. Today I can feel my energy levels beginning to decrease . I have had to leave you and return to my parents as you undergo more treatment tomorrow. But I will recharge and make sure that when I see you again, that I can lend you my strength. That I can bask in your presence, because even with all of this going on, you still give off that warmth that so many love you for. You still find the strength to make us laugh and the courage to smile and carry on.

Today I am here trying to make sense of it all!


1st Image Source:https://www.nation.co.ke/health/-little-brush-save-women-from-cervical-cancer/3476990-4312582-y042i0z/index.html




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Sending you and your sister healing energy, with peace, joy, hope, and most of all lots of love.

It is so hard watching a loved one suffer, but in visualizing her whole and well you are doing the best you can for her, and being the pillar of strength she needs.

Honor yourself and your own needs during this time, as it is so easy for us to neglect ourselves when doing for others, but we need time to replenish if we are to remain effective in sharing our gifts.

thank you @crescendoofpeace for your very kind words and support xx

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Sending you and your family all our love xx

thanks so much Sam, love to you and yours xx

oh. My heart aches for you. You, your sister, the love, your post explodes with heart and aches and strength.

I understand the struggle you face having to put your opinions and knowledge aside and do what has been decided when in your heart you feel you could do more ...I understand this so much.

I am sending a prayer of strength and energy to you. Much love to you and your family.

thank you @walkerland for your beautiful words and your prayers xx xx

Sending you positive thoughts and so much peace. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your loved ones. My heart breaks reading your words. You are so powerful with your writing. Keep it up and may it bring you peace.

thank you @byn, being able to write really helps me to process it all, to give myself time for my sadness and anger. Thank you for your words and support it means a lot xx

Writing has helped me through so much healing. I wish you the same and health for your loved one as well.

Giving you a great big hug. ❤

Sending my prayers for you and yours during this very difficult time. Also sending you strength and healing powers. Hugs. Stay strong...

thank you so much @cecicastor, I hope you and your family are safe and well xx

We are safe. Things are getting worse. I didn't think that was possible...

We are safe. Things are
Getting worse. I didn't think
That was possible...

                 - cecicastor


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hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs.

full support @trucklife-family. sending you healing energies to you and your family .. yes keep visualising her wholly & healthy. love xx

thank you Lovely for your well wishes and support xx

I hope letting this all out and putting it into words helped you at least a little. Sending you so much love and support 💚💚💚

thank you @zen-art for your love and support xx

This must be so hard.. I am sorry you all have to go through this, it is difficult to see the purpose of it all. All I can do is wish you strength and love.
x

thank you @frejafri for your wishes xx

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