These feelings

I cannot explain exactly how I feel, for the first time even my home feels unwelcoming, no maybe am the one who have forgotten how to feel welcome , any which way am not feeling that joyous spring of happiness one ought to feel coming back home after a long time.

Maybe I got too familiar with a strange land that my home feels like it has become the strange land instead. It's been three days, I have traveled around, met with friends, threw myself in comfort to my wide bed but it all doesn't change the feeling.

For the first time i have come to the agreement that "being a man is not a day job" . Immediately you have grown in age, every one start placing a level of expectancy, I wonder if it's a tradition by the Africans or the world at large. The pressure to prove "you're making it" presses one to living a life outside of his horizon.

Recently I have had many worries, and has made my hustling too tight that I don't even find peace sleeping. Until you reach this stage you wouldn't realize how rich is peace of mind. I don't know if being a woman would have released a little of the burden placed on a responsible man. Yes I say responsible because some men doesn't care about meeting the needs of people who look up on them .

Today I decided to try something new, sit indoor and ponder over my future. Not because I don't know what I want for a future but because I think I have been living it the wrong way and am facing it consequences with these feelings. I have cleared a room and set it as my library of thoughts. By library of thoughts I mean where I go and ponder deeply over the activities that went through the day, then I pick out the ones I done rightly and the ones I fucked up and again the things I learnt , then make a reasonable conclusion and decisions in my life.

Source

EXPECTATION AND PROMISES

I think these feelings are tied to my expectations and promises . The more my expectations crushes , the more the imbalance feelings I experience. Why make promises when we aren't sure of the outcome of our expectations but that's life right? We make promises even in our uncertainty and we are left with worries and inner struggles to accomplish the set objective.

"You're a medical student, most prompt for wealth" friends say to me. Most times I laugh and wave it off. Does being a medical student change the fact that am a human struggling like any other ? People hardly believe I can be broke and am left alone to care for my burdens and that of others. No wonder most struggling parents always suffer from hypertension. expectation and promises , a killer I have figured out.

I returned home hoping I could find that inner peace but realizing they were all waiting for me to come back and show them a prove that I was making it over there, surely that is in monetary means. Two thoughts , one is a asking me to stay my cool and the other is pushing me to prove I have actually make it. And the truth is, outside of my budget, am damn broke.

CHOICE OR NECESSITY

At age 25, I wonder if it's a choice to spend on my parents and probably needful relatives or it's a necessity. The hiding answers maybe the reason why I can't really decide on which is right. On every visit, you see people waiting and hoping that you settle some of their bills, usually people who are older than you. And I imagine if am in the position to or it's a choice whether to or not.

I think a scroll need to be made where choices and necessity are vividly spell out.

    Our battle within.

Sometimes usually most times i become the responder and the speaker at the same time, this is more like an inner battle. This battle doesn't involve guns, arrows and nuclear weapons but it's the most dangerous of it all. Because from such inner battle you are either made or mared . You hear this loud voices of discouragement dialoguing with you and pointing out reasons why you need do or not to do it. Why it's different and how you should feel.

It's like an ecosystem all by itself, ruling your physical activities from within. You know that's not what you want but your body becomes weak to it and it rules you until a point of regret. The only person who wins this are people who are discipline.