Sometimes when you love somebody so much you have to let them go....

I'm sitting now on the chairs of the block to write, as I just had an emotional burst a few min ago and I didn't know what to do better but write.

I just saw my little girl for 10 min and brought her 3 packages of milk, because her father was rushing to go at work on cab (or as he says) and before arriving I forced myself to not keep him and my daughter too much.

She wanted to stay with me longer...she missed me...she kissed me...she told me she loves me...we played a bit with the umbrella I have...I couldn't stay so though and just say good bye...her father was getting more red faced and I could see that, so I pushed myself more...so I did.. she told me in a happy way good bye...

But I bursted in the elevator and started crying and now I'm sitting here...waiting for what?

The notion of "when you love so much somebody you have to let them go" came in my mind...trying to temper me a bit and bring maybe some internal strenght.

I hate this situation, It hurts so much that things aren't as they're supposed to be...as I imagined 4 years ago...I don't want to give up, to just surrender..I love them too much and yes..I have to let them go but not for long..

Update after 6~7 hours(current hour is 3 a.m. romanian hour):

I managed to talk with my husband a discussion which I tried for more than a week to have.

We talked for around two hours in which he was very upset because while avoiding me last days he didn't worked too, and all the time we tried to have a friendly and neutral exchange of opinions and he kept telling me all my defects which I had and still have in his opinion, and how much he involved in our past relationship and how his health is so bad because of this and how he has now a new relationship.

When I asked him if she accepts him and loves him as he is he answered me yes and that anyway it's his decision if he wants to be alone or have a relationship.

He told me that if I want our daughter so much, he will give her to me and pay 500 ron per month (although he earns more than minimum wage, monthly) and ask for a restrain order of 5 km so he can be sure that he woun't ever see me or our daughter again..

He asked me why I keep insisting on our situation and why I can't just let go and I told him that I feel this way and act this way because the reason why we separated was because we didn't had our own place as I first told him when we met that we will need 100%..

I asked him if he feels ok staying with our daighter in a place which isn't his own. He said that for him is not a problem because his parents and his sister will all have where to go in an year or two and they will all give him the apartment in which they're all currently living.

I told him that's great but from the way he said it, obviously I'm not in the picture.
I'm really happy he's great and that he will be great but...the notion and values of a family...where are these?!...

I bursted twice in front of him, crying...he showed too a few tears in his eyes. I told him that it's such a pitty because we have same love and values inside...

I told him I understand that at this point and maybe in future our daughter might be better with him as he has a lot of great plans for her, at least from what he said and if we woun't manage to collaborate I'm going to be the shadow "men".
With tears in my eyes and trying to speak, I tried to explain him that this is what a mother has the power to do...not a father...a father leaves and doesn't care...but it takes a mother strenght to leave her baby to her father who she gave birth and promised to be loved and be happy...to go through all the suffering I've been through in last few months and how I crawled like in 10 hells...just for he sake of her baby to be happy, healthy, loved and cared for...

I tried to explain to him that a mother's love can't be replaced or ignored or disconsidered but...he didn't listened too well...
We managed to finally say good bye...I will get more busy trying to put my life better on a path, establishing a better connection with my son and maybe with my parents although some of the present situation is part of their past attitudes, words and actions, and if Radu will feel that he needs me for our daughter or maybe for him, or maybe he will miss me...he will know how to reach me...until then I will focus on practic things and involve where my involvement is needed and is helpful.

I pray my husband will change his mind at a point...he askes me for divorce but when I told him with tears in my eyes that I'm not afraid to divorce and I can go and start the process on my own and that I'm not afraid to take a good decision for my daughter..disregarding how I feel, he kicked back and opened up more telling me about all his past pains...

So things aren't concrete and I don't want to start the process and feel guilty and be the one guilty again for how things turned out...

So that's why I will concentrate only on picking myself up from the ground zero and call sometimes to ask about my daughter and if they need something and if I can help with anything...probably he will say no but at least I will remain in touch...dunno if just remaining in touch is good or bad ...I don't know anymore what is good or bad regarding my present or past marriage and my baby....if they say they're good without me, maybe it's really the truth...