EXPLANATION FOR: "SEE FOR YOURSELF" - So, what I suppose to see?
Even if you could receive a message from The Boss, would you be able to understand it? There is an explanation, of course, we can see it when it is over, in reverse, but what we suppose to do with it?
Would it even include you only, or somebody else, or all of us?
The whole my life I only experienced the pain, I live in the hell, literally. I wouldn't wish the worst enemy to move into my body and swap with me. If demonic possession was true, I think those assholes would send their criminals to serve sentence in it.
At the day I was born my mother was told that I will die, because something was wrong with my heart. Later they found out that my heart is unusual, it is a bit bigger, longer with aorta tilted a bit differently and bit wider than usual making it sound and behave like a train engine. The more pressure you put on me, the better it tick-tocks. Of course, before I gain a full size this caused me troubles, I would frequently got blue and breathless as my body was not growing properly.
As long as I remember I was in some sort of a physical peril, so I had to learn how to be much more stable than others just to push through the day. The only thing I could do is to be mentally strong and even my own parents didn't expect me to last much.
To make things worse, none of those problems were or are treatable, there was no cure for the fact I was not growing, or couldn't process food because I got ill too many times, my body is completely asymmetrical like I have been put together from two different parts ( maybe I am) , my brain waves behave odd, I have the constant bone pains caused by moisture from the age of 12, or headaches that I have with no reason or a reason is an atmospheric pressure, huge abnormal fevers from a common cold, I partially lost hearing at 14 because I feel no pain in my ears and some other body parts... etc. I mean, not a single day without being broken. Whenever I would go to see a doctor, make exams or tests, they would tell me that my health condition is spectacular, they wished to be so healthy. I done sports, maintained myself the best I can, ate properly, led a healthy lifestyle, but nothing changed.
Aside from a shitty condition of me being obviously some sort of an alien organism because it is impossible that this planet hates me that much, pretty much the Life decided to hate me as well.
I done all things by the book, essentially I failed in all because I ran out of the luck. Simply didn't work.
I was always too young for a job, then too smart, then they do not need my profile, then somebody else has a priority, then I do not have enough experience, then I can't do that without a permit that is more expensive than a profit, then I am not a single mother, then somebody else need it more, then questioning me if am I able to do it because I looked so pale, then I am too old for it and finally a job I can get doesn't cover up a daily breakfast...
In comparison to me, my husband was too healthy. He is never ill, and if he catches a virus, he doesn't show the symptoms at all. He works on a job I found for him, so he and our online and offline work feeds our family.
So, when we got a child, my only wish was that she would be as strong and healthy as he is.
How the hell a person ends up being so strong that their own immune system destroys the beta cells causing the diabetes 1?
I frankly do not know what exactly I have to do to make this reality friendlier to my existence. No matter how positive and how helpful I am to others - I spent all 10 days in the hospital consorting other parents who were falling in pieces over their own children - no matter what I do, the life seems to trample all my attempts to lead a normal, simple life.
I really have no idea...
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