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Doubt

I am usually one that doesn't let doubt interfere with my life and that of my children. However, due to recent events, this evil beast called doubt has slithered into my life more often than not. Doubt about where to go - or not. What to do - or not.
Who to trust - or not. Hell, sometimes I don't even know if I can trust myself, let alone others.
And with that, I created another angry beast.

Self-doubt

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"Am I doing the right thing?" Is the question that keeps popping up in my thoughts like a stalker that just won't give up harassing his victim. The right thing. What is the right thing? Am I doing the right thing by homeschooling my children? Unschooling them? Which means pretty much that they learn what they want to learn and most of the time also when? Sometimes I look at them and think: "Wow, you know so much. You think about things the way I have never thought of it." And yet, this self-doubt is nearly almost present in the back of my mind.

A few years ago, I realized that the 'normal' world or the system just isn't for me.
In fact, I think I've always been that way. I've never liked to conform to set rules and regulations.
And I found many more just like me, a few here in Ireland, a few in other places I have been and even more right here on Steemit. Needless to say that the last few months have been hell for me. And not only for me but for everyone around me. My kids had to conform to all the craziness that has been going on. Their mother freaking out every time they had a stain in their clothes or a dirty face and frantically cleaning them up couldn't have been easy on them. And I have been freaking out A LOT.
It wasn't fair on them, and it isn't now. But it was what had to happen in order to satisfy the demands of our evil social worker. Whether we liked it or not. I just couldn't chance her coming in and finding my kids dirty.
Any explanation would have been ignored and fabricated into something that wasn't there.

Time wasted - all this time wasted

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The other day, I had a little break-down moment - or two.
I was sitting outside because the weather has really been beautiful. I didn't want to spend it one moment indoors and made the kids get out of the house as well. As they were running around playing football and enjoying themselves, while my youngest - my beautiful wild-child - was inspecting some insects that crawled around and asking me what they were, I felt tears coming up. How long had it been since we had been outdoors like this? I couldn't even remember when. If we do go outside now, I make sure we go in the car, to the beach or something and we won't be back until I know for sure that 'she' won't drop by. It's insane really if you think about it. Well, I thought about it and it made me really sad.
Then, the same afternoon, my youngest told me he was tired and asked if he could lie down on the couch. When he did all I could think was: When was the last time I crawled up beside him and cuddled until he slept? I realized it had been nearly as long as the social worker has been in our lives. Months.
He was barely 3 when she came and now he's almost 4 and I feel like I've missed so much of seeing him grow up, even though he was with me all this time. But instead of those afternoon and evening cuddles at bedtime, I had other things to do like tidying the house, cleaning etc. All of it, not for us (because to be honest, who cares if it's done later in the day when the kids are sleeping?) but out of fear of displeasing her. I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking about all that time that has been wasted. Time that should have been spent enjoying seeing my kids grow up and have fun. And FUCK the house work, that will still be there later on too.

Choices to make, but not being able to see which is which

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I have choices to make. To be honest: I don't want to stay here. I know I've said it before. I love Ireland and I don't want to leave forever. Even if it's just a place to come to every now and then, nothing permanent. But my heart tells me now more than ever that it's time to move on. Only a few weeks ago, I was telling myself that while we go on our planned visit to Holland, we might as well keep going and see where we end up. I still have this in the back of my mind.
But the problem is that we are supposed to visit Holland in July and that is a hell of a short time to arrange everything. There is still so much to do and at this point, it doesn't even look like we'll make it there on the budget we have at the moment. Of course, a lot can happen in a few weeks, but looking at it realistically now: the money just isn't there. Then there is this: my daughter's boyfriend would come with us, but he is planning to study in the south of the country in October. Waterford to be precise. There is no way in hell that I will get my daughter to go with us while he is still here. And I don't want to force her either. My sister in law lives in Waterford and has been saying that moving there might be an option as the people there are a lot different and much more open to alternative ways.
So then the idea sprung to mind to go to Holland, travel Europe for 2 or 3 months and then come back and move to Waterford. But of course, that would be wild, since we would have no where to go. Renting a home there is crazy as the prices are almost twice as much as here. It would solve one issue: my daughter wouldn't have to leave the country and leave her boyfriend behind (he has been great support for he, for all of us really). She just wouldn't. And at 16.5 years of age, I think she is still too young to move out on her own. So that is not an option. Keeping him close to keep her close is.

Then, there was another thought that came to mind. What if we try to make it to Holland in July and just see what happens. Now, I will be the last person to tell him to give up on his dreams. But dreams can change. And opportunities are always there and they're everywhere. It doesn't have to be here in Ireland.
There are just so many things to think about and so many things to do before anything will happen.
But it's very clear to me that staying here, in rural Western Ireland is not an option. We will still have to deal with them for a while no matter where we go in Ireland, but they won't be the same. Man, just to think that I have to deal with these people throughout the whole summer makes me feel sick. No relaxed summer days, just stress about what's to come. She is not out of our lives yet, and I have already noticed that she's got other people, who could possibly cause trouble for us, in her pocket.

I had a conversation with a new friend here last week and he told me: "The problem is, you are in the wrong place. You live in a small community and there they are still infused with their Catholic church crap. More than if you would be closer to bigger places." And I think he's right.
My sister in law told us that her autistic 16 year old son causes havoc in the house on a nearly daily basis. He hits his siblings, and his parents. He kicks holes in doors and walls. Never has there ever been any CPS interference in their house. They won't touch them with a pole. They get no help. All the help they have is because they arrange and pay for it themselves. And they're lucky, because she has a high income. Just imagine, if they didn't have that. They'd be damned. But isn't it ironic, how those institutions don't do anything if someone is truly in need, but then harass families just for the mere fact that they are 'different'? It's a sad reality.

So there it is...

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I am putting it all out there. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I can't make any plans if I don't have a plan. For the first time in my life I feel as if I have no direction, no control.

So I am leaving it all here on the blockchain, for everyone to see and hope that the universe will give me a sign or two to show me the way...