THE PIG STANDOFF... Comedy Open Mic Round #21 Entry 2

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...Picks mic...

...Clears throat...

Have you ever been in a standoff with a pig..? No? I thought as much.

Anyway, I have. And before you ask... yes, I do intend to tell you all about it. But I'll start all the way from the beginning. Now this here tale I want to tell happened on a quiet sunny Tuesday afternoon...

You see, I belong in a family of four; Two boys and two girls. I am the second child. Our little sister, my favorite sibling, is the last.

So little sis is 8 years old, and she has an exam to prepare for, Basic Science. I'm the only one at home so she comes to me to help her with revisions. Now while I totally suck at a lot of things science, I do believe I am grown enough to know enough about little sister's basic science. So I oblige. The following ensues...

Me: Okay, we'll do questions and answers. I'll ask, you'll answer. Okay?

Little sis: Okay.

Me: (After going through a few pages of her note book, and finally seeing something I understand) So, first question. Why do we drink water after eating?

Little sis: (Smiling at me like that's a no brainer) To quench the pepper in our throats.

Now I'm certain that this answer is wrong, but nevertheless I check her notes to make sure the world hasn't changed without my knowledge.

Me: (After satisfying myself that I am not that bad at basic science) No, we drink water after eating to aid digestion.

I finish this sentence with a grand gesture, my hands going from my neck to my stomach. But little sis doesn't look so convinced.

Little sis: But what about the pepper in our throats? Isn't water the one to quench it?

Me: (In a bid to make her see the error of her ways) Okay, why do we then drink water after eating bread?

I then look at her with the expression; what you gon' say now? But little sis isn't one to be easily swayed.

Little sis: (nonchalantly shrugging her shoulders) I don't drink water after eating bread.

Now I am the one who doesn't know what to say. So I gaze back at her notes. Strange little sis I've got, she quietly watches me, her expression betraying the fact that she has started reconsidering if I was really the right person to help her with her revision. We keep this up for about ten seconds, then she breaks the silence.

Little sis: Ask me about the sources of water

Me: (Suddenly struck by a thought) How about I show you some of them? Have you seen a well before?

Little sis: (with no enthusiasm) Yes, I have lots of them in my textbooks. Too many infact.

Me: (Not to be put off by her lack of enthusiasm) Well, there's a real life one at the plot behind. Let me go see if it is open.

I get up and go out...

...

WAIT, DID YOU REALLY THINK THERE WAS A PIG STANDOFF STORY SOMEWHERE? A PIG STANDOFF, C'MON!

...

OKAY, I GIVE UP. LET ME TRY TO INCORPORATE IT...

...

Now just behind our house is a fenced empty plot. Well, not so empty. The owner planted quite a number of maize crops within, but otherwise I knew it to be empty. What I didn't know however, was that of recent the owner had started rearing livestock, pigs to be precise. Of this fact, I was completely unaware.

So off I go, confidently stepping into the gate of this fenced plot, the smell of green plants filling my lungs. Then about six steps into the compound, I heard it... the terrible snort of a pig. And I turned...

Now believe you me, the animal which I saw standing quite close to the gate I just crossed was no ordinary pig. This was the mother of all pigs. It stood about half my height, definitely much more fatter and heavier than I was, and what was worse, it was staring me straight in the eye, which needless to say, was scaring the juices out of me.

First, I do not know much about pigs. Infact, I have had no prior experience with pigs before this, except when labeling them in my school textbooks with the names of my classmates. Secondly, the pig seemed unafraid, totally sure of itself. So looking at the unblinking eyes of this huge big eared animal, I was at the verge of pissing my pants. And it simply stared back at me, not even pausing to twist its nose like my story books used to say.

Anyway, there we were, pig versus yours truly, in a remarkable standoff, and I was prepared to lose. Yes, I was prepared to lose. Where I stood, I summoned all the mathematical knowledge I wish I had learnt while in school to calculate the distance between myself and the gate, and the pig and the gate. If I ran before it moved, would I get past it before it got to me? I knew pi was 22/7, but I didn't know where to apply it. The pig, the gate or me?

Then all of a sudden the pig moved, or was it just a snort? Till this day and moment I still can't tell. All I can remember was me scaling that fence like my life depended on it, only to finally come out on the other side and work my way back around to the front and find my little sister chasing the very same mother of all pigs around like a pet pup.

Then she asked me...

Why are you sweating? Or did you fall into the well and get wet?

I haven't taken her revisions again up till this day.

THE END

#SladenSpeaks

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Written for @comedyopenmic's Comedy Open Mic Contest

I nominate @illusions16 and @dirge (leave horrors for a minute, would ya?)

Note: This work is purely fictional, or do you really believe a pig could stand me off?

...snort...

runs away

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